Welcome to Deep Dives, a bi-monthly subsection of TMI! Here, I dive deeper into my thoughts about a topic that doesn’t fit in the weekly newsletter.
*NOTE*:
Today’s Deep Dive is likely too long for email, so be sure to click “View entire message” to see the whole thing (or read on the web or in the app).
Today, I’d like to discuss my personal Roman Empire: there is absolutely no way to watch the second season of Food Network Star — anywhere.
I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t kept up with every season of the show; in fact, I only started watching it during the later seasons. The show is fine — not a particular favorite or anything. BUT: the thing that makes Season 2 special is that it’s the one where Guy Fieri was officially “discovered.”
Yes, that’s right — the Guy Fieri. Mayor of Flavortown. Purveyor of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Manager of the Guy’s Grocery Game market. Announcer of Tournament of Champions. Homeowner at Guy’s Ranch Kitchen. CEO of Guy’s Chance of A Lifetime. Chomper of Guy’s Big Bite. You get the idea.
Guy Fieri, the Ultimate Food Network Star™, won the second season of the eponymous show. He did not just appear from under a rock, fully goateed, bleached, and ready to fucking rumble. He applied for a reality show, that he won, and then proceeded to use his charisma to turn that victory into a massive dragon’s hoard of goodwill, good vibes, and cash.
Don’t get it twisted — I fucking love Guy Fieri. But there is nothing — nothing — in the world that I want to watch more than Guy Fieri’s first-ever foray into fame. I need to see it. For science.
However, I cannot find the show. ANYWHERE.
Every streaming service that has the show available only starts at Season 4. And this isn’t a special licensing issue with a particular production company — Wikipedia mentions the differentiation:
It was produced by CBS EYEtoo Productions for seasons 1–8 and by Triage Entertainment for seasons 9-14.
And yet. Seasons 4-14 are available to stream online, and Seasons 1-3 may as well not exist. And for those of you out there who are like, “Why don’t you just download it from somewhere?” well, GOOD. FUCKING. LUCK.
It is utterly and completely unavailable.
Some years ago, I went to dinner with Damon and his coworkers. His boss was going on and on about how he could torrent anything and there was nothing on the internet he couldn’t find.
“Oh yeah?” I asked. “Can you find Season 2 of Food Network Star? Or, try ‘The Next Food Network Star,’ could be under that?”1 He whipped out his phone. “Of course,” he said. And then he proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes at the dinner table searching, and searching, and searching.
“It’s…not here,” he said, surprised.
It cannot be found. AT ALL.
And, lest you think I’m the only lunatic worried about this:
4 years ago. 2 years ago. This shit has been plaguing me, personally, for even longer than that.
You can’t turn on Food Network without seeing Guy Fieri. So why the hell can’t I watch this? And my god, how has anything, ever, in the history of the world, been so thoroughly scrubbed from the internet?
WHAT DON’T THEY WANT US TO SEE?
What’s there, hidden just beyond our reaches? Is it the Food Network’s Golden Child, imperfect? Still learning the ropes of being a television personality? BABY FIERI??
It certainly seems like it in this — the only tangentially related video that I can locate from the B.G. (Before Guy) time period — his audition for Food Network.
Come ON now.
I’m supposed to just watch him make this insane sushi roll with French Fries and be satisfied?? Absolutely not. I NEED MORE. (Also, I would like to eat the sushi roll.)
And when I ask for more, what I mean is the entirety of the season — not this other weird video edit that’s essentially just a clip of an episode.
THE JUDGES HAD GIVEN GUY COACHING TO “TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.” And they want me to just walk away here, and not think about this every day for the rest of my life?? Impossible.
Theories about the missing season seem to range from “Guy doesn’t want the season seen” to “a music licensing issue” to “those old shows were often thrown away if they didn’t go into syndication.” But I, in my heart, believe, that somebody’s grandmother has recorded the show on VHS and it’s just sitting in her attic waiting to be converted to a digital recording that I can then torrent and watch from the comfort of my home.
I remain optimistic, and never too far away from thinking about this lost artifact.
And, just to add — I like to think I’m fairly skilled at internet searches (though to be fair, Google is a disaster these days). But, if you can find this…I would be forever in your debt.
See you in Flavortown.
That’s it from me today, but don’t worry — I’ll still be thinking about this every day. What’s your personal Roman Empire? Do you have a TV show you want to watch that you’re not able to find on the internet, too?
I have a problem with needing to challenge people who speak in absolutes, but I also had some minor hope that he’d prove me wrong. He did not.
Also, it’s fine — Damon doesn’t work there anymore, anyway. Not because I called his boss’s bluff though. I think.
Some mysteries of the streaming internet can never be known!
Omg this deep dive is so up my alley, I'm so invested! This reminds me of the missing episodes of Dr. Who -- although those were wiped from the BBC libraries back in the 60s/70s just to make room for new stuff because apparently no one thought there was "value" to retaining them (???). And I know the 90s/00s show Felicity was one of the first shows to run into issues with music licensing, but that didn't stop them from making the seasons available after the fact -- it usually that just meant a different song replaced the one that had originally aired. SOOOO... mysterious! My money's on ~someone~ not wanting the season to be available. BUT WHY