Hello, and happy Friday, friends!!
Well, it’s been a *banner* week for yours truly. (This is true, but also a reference to the fancy new banner you should see today across the top of your email!) I’m currently in the process of rebranding TMI and making the whole space a little more cohesive, so I hope you like it!
I am suuuper proud of the banner — I actually made it myself with some vectors I bought from Creative Market and my extremely mediocre Photoshop skills. (Also look, links are blue now, to match!! That’s branding, baby!) It took me, as a reasonable estimate, about 100 times longer than it would’ve taken someone who actually knows what they’re doing, but I’m really happy with the way it turned out!
Anyway, you’ll probably see a few more changes and a bit more reorganization around here this month as I finally check “Fix Substack” off my to do list, where it’s been sitting for…at least 9 months. Excited to spruce this place up a bit!!
Last night I watched the finale of The Golden Bachelor live, and honestly, I hated it?? I was already pretty annoyed with Gerry after watching the Women-Tell-All episode, because I didn’t love the way he handled the situation with my girl Faith. Like, instead of listening to her, you’re gonna tell her how hard it was on you? Wrong choice, my dude. Plus, reading this exposé had me like 🧐 …
Then he goes in to the finale and absolutely devastates the best person there in favor of “Chreesa,” a woman with the personality of a box of cereal and a name he cannot seem to properly pronounce. Enjoy your boring life together! I will not be watching the wedding (I’ve seen enough of Gerry crying to last me a lifetime), and if ABC doesn’t announce a Golden Bachelorette soon featuring either Leslie, Faith, Ellen, or Susan then I will be gathering my forces.
I also caught up on Survivor, which was excellent, and I am not going to say out loud who I want to win (it’s Emily) because I’m worried that I could jinx them (Emily) even though the show has already finished filming and they (Emily) are already back to their normal lives, knowing if they (Emily) won or not. Plus, the Mojo Dojo Casa House Boys’ Night montage was maybe the best thing I’ve EVER seen on the show, ever. (Here’s a little BTS interview about it with Jeff Probst.)
Overall, it’s been a great week. And OF COURSE I’ve been online. Don’t you know me at all?? Here’s what I’ve got for ya:
El*n M*sk
OKAY OKAY I promise not to spend this entire newsletter ranting about Elon. But he did go on live TV this week and tell advertisers who have pulled out of Twitter “Go fuck yourself,” (click for a VIDEO) and honestly like true RIP to my once favorite website.
Plus it’s so awkward. I guess he was expecting everyone to cheer or laugh for him? Perhaps when you fire anyone who tells you “maybe that isn’t a good idea” and you end up surrounded with people who hang on your every word, you just kind of assume that everyone likes you? (In case there’s any confusion: they do not.)
This is, by the way, what they teach you in Business 101. Like one of the first lessons, I think. In order to be very good at business, you should tell the people who give you the money that keeps your business running to go fuck themselves.
Disney “Adult”
A streaker went wild on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland on Sunday. First, let me just share the headline I pitched that was passed on, because I am still giggling at my own joke:
“Disney Treats ‘It’s A Small World’ Riders to Meet And Greet With Woody”
Anyway, here’s a weird video of this dude in his skivvies climbing around in the IASW animatronics before he later stripped fully nude and got in the water.
I really don’t get this, like — look, the ride is long, dark and humid. I can totally understand wanting to get out, or maybe getting hot or something. But like…the animatronics are the most terrifying part of any Disney ride. Why would you want to get any closer to them than you have to?? I mean just look at these things:
If you’re gonna tell me this lil dead-eyed Babushka isn’t in the process of summoning Satan himself, we’re gonna have to agree to disagree.
ALSO the ride is nearly TEN MINUTES LONG. That’s ten FULL MINUTES of looping music, flashing lights, dancing dolls, and well — I don’t blame anyone for hitting max mental capacity while they’re on that ride.
I love Disney as much as the next guy but “It’s a Small World” is practically torture.
Shameless Self-Promotion Corner
The other reason I’ve had a banner week? I had my first timely satirical news stories published in both The Hard Times and its sister site, Hard Drive! I’ve been wanting to get in to both of these outlets for years and I cannot overstate just how excited I am!
My first piece for Hard Times, “Woman Excited to Show Therapist Bo Burnham’s “Inside” Not On Spotify Wrapped This Year” is really just a personal attack on myself for being obsessed with that album for the last three years, but apparently there are a LOT of us out there. Bo Burnham Hive rise up!
And for Hard Drive, I got to write about my favorite video game of all time:
My piece “New 50GB Baldur’s Gate 3 Patch Adds Single Extremely Detailed Dick Vein” just came out this morning! This game is fantastic and I love it and Larian Studios and I’m so happy my first piece for Hard Drive is about Baldur’s Gate 3. Also, for the uninitiated, BG3 released a gigantic update this week and the game is well-known for its character romances (as well as being all-around fantastic).
I’m extremely proud of both of them and will be riding this high for a WHILE.
Also, special shoutout to my husband for being married to me, a woman who spent the last half of her evening yesterday monitoring her fantasy football team and writing satire about dicks. ❤️
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
Spoiler alert in the thumbnail, but this is still SO CUTE. Also is it weird that I want to eat the crunchy mozzarella eggs? Are those a thing? Can I eat that or is it just for raccoons?
That’s all from me this week! I’m off to bask in the glow of reading Instagram and Twitter comments on my new pieces while I play BG3. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
K
I neeeeed a Golden Bachelorette announcement ASAP. Also, congrats on the pubs!