Créme de Yuck

Internet round-up for the week of March 13, 2023

Happy Friday, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day! 🍀

Remember how I said I never know what day it is anymore? Well, I knew St. Patrick’s Day was this week, and I do love to wear green for the holiday, but I couldn’t remember what day of the week the 17th fell on. So, I’ve actually worn a green t-shirt for the last three days in a row (plus today, of course). Which is…fine, I guess! I do like green. And I still have a pinch blockade!

But I’m realizing the takeaway here might be that I have at least 4 green t-shirts? And I am fairly certain there’s a 5th one sitting in my closet right now…

Look, they’re bringing me joy, okay? Back off, Marie Kondo!

I’d love to say I’m celebrating with a Shamrock Shake or something, but I can’t stand mint flavored “desserts”. Mint is for toothpaste, not ice cream. And don’t even think about trying to convince me that pairing chocolate with it helps. Yuck. (I regret to inform you that this also means I do not like Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. Please don’t send the hordes.)

Admittedly, on occasion I’ve had an Andes mint after dinner at a fancy restaurant, but I’d like to note that the operative word in the name there is “mint”. Not an Andes after dinner candy. Mints aren’t candy. …Right? *goes to check the internet*

Tootsie’s (who I guess own Andes mints?) website seems to say they are a mint, but separately, a candy.

What, exactly, is an after dinner mint candy? Are Lifesavers mints candy?

Separation of church (mint) and state (candies)

Okay, their website shows “Hard Candy” as a separate category from “Mints”.

We’re at an impasse. Off to Wikipedia.

God dammit.

Sigh.

A mint or breath mint is a food item often consumed as an after-meal refreshment or before business and social engagements to improve breath odor.^[1] Mints are commonly believed to soothe the stomach given their association with natural byproducts of the plant genus Mentha.^[2]

Hm. Okay.

The production of mints as a discrete food item can be traced back to the 18th century with the invention of Altoids.^[6][7][8] The popularity of mints took off in the early 20th century, with the advent of mass urbanization and mass marketing. Advertising for mints focused on their convenience, and on the socially isolating effects of bad breath.

Uh, hang on a second. There’s a lot to unpack here.

First off, I’ve never heard mints described as a “discrete food item” — but I guess it makes sense? Not because you don’t want people to know that you have bad breath, but because you don’t want people to know that you have mints — the second you get them out everyone asks for one like those seagulls from Finding Nemo.

Also, Altoids were invented in the 18th century?! Is that why they come in those cool little vintagey tins??

Lastly, as you can clearly see here, mints are for “socially isolating” breath. If I’m about to get socially isolated because of my breath, I’m not going straight to a minty cookie.

And — sorry, I’m still stuck on this Altoids thing. The 18th century? Really? Did Mozart have access to fucking Altoids?? I’m going on a Wikipedia side quest.

Altoids are a brand of mints, sold primarily in distinctive metal tins. The brand was created by the London-based Smith & Company in the 1780s, and became part of the Callard & Bowser company in the 19th century. Their advertising slogan is "The Original Celebrated Curiously Strong Mints", referring to the high concentration of peppermint oil used in the original flavour lozenge. The mints were originally conceived as a lozenge intended to relieve intestinal discomfort.

Holy shit. Mozart died in 1791. He absolutely could have tried an Altoid.

Also, mint flavored Gas-X works for intestinal discomfort and doesn’t singe your tastebuds off. (Wonder when that was invented. Ah, Simethicone got FDA approval in 1952. Sorry, Mozart.)

Callard & Bowser-Suchard once manufactured Altoids at a plant in Bridgend, Wales, but has since moved production to a Mars Wrigley plant in Chattanooga, Tennessee, United States, in order to manufacture the products closer to where they are primarily marketed.

Hah! Gotta market those mints to us foul-breathed Americans, am I right? Honestly, smart.

Now looking under “Flavours and varieties”, I see: Mints, Sours (which are different, and considered “hard candies”), and —

SOURS. Oh my god.

ALTOID SOURS. GUYS. REMEMBER ALTOID SOURS?!

A single tangerine Altoid sour would have destroyed Mozart

Those were the shit when I was in high school. I can still remember exactly what they taste like!! Talk about a discrete candy, though — you get that tin out and people were all over you with their hands out like VCs around a failing bank.

OH MY GOD, THERE’S UNOPENED TINS ON EBAY. SHOULD I GET ONE??

Could they still be good? Like, I’ve seen unopened cans of Surge on eBay, and I assume those are just fully rancid at this point. But the Sours…maybe the sours are still good…

What was I talking about?

Oh, that’s right. Mints. I guess I’ll go ask our new robot overlords.

Every f’ing time I ask this robot something important it tells me it’s a matter of personal interpretation

Great. So after my extensive 25 minutes of research, I can now definitively say that my personal beliefs are that mints are not candy. 🙃 Perfect.

What was I doing here again? Oh yeah, that’s right. This is a newsletter about the internet. Which I was on this week, and have scoured for some goods. Without further minty ado, here they are:

Who Approved This Product?

Marketing genius

This morning my friend Morgan shared an anecdote about a McDonald’s mascot named “Uncle O’Grimacey”, and I was incredulous. But I looked him up, and he is a very real character that was used to advertise the Shamrock Shake back in the 70’s.

I know what you’re thinking. “I thought we were done talking about Shamrock Shakes!” This is the last time (today), I promise!

Anyway, the story here is that they created Uncle O’Grimacey, who is literally just a green version of Grimace but with the most cliche Irish theming they could find, in 1975 — but then, according to Odd Athenaeum:

Uncle O’Grimacey was quietly phased out of McDonalds marketing after a few years due in part to an alleged incident in Philadelphia in 1978 where the person portraying him made statements in support of the IRA.

I’m sorry, but this is objectively very funny.

I mean come on! He’s fucking Irish!! What a travesty. We, as Americans, have the right to heinous mascots! (Gritty forever!)

Writers, What’s Wrong With Us?

The Daniels won Oscars this week (along with the incomparable Michelle Yeoh, Ke Huy Quan, and more) for the fabulous Everything Everywhere All At Once, and their original screenplay acceptance speech was, well, Writer™. Love them, and love them for making writers feel extremely seen.

Also Naatu Naatu won for best original song!! Go watch both RRR and Everything Everywhere All At Once if you haven’t yet!

Is This Normal, Or am I a Hypochondriac?

latke @latkedelrey

i tweet for women who got mononucleosis once and never felt good ever again

I got mono in high school. Not from kissing, but the way the cool kids do — from sharing a Fruitopia with a friend. (Boy we’re going ham on high school nostalgia today, huh?)

Anyway, I think I was tired for like 6 months. But also I’ve been tired my entire life. Is it the mono? Should I blame it on the mono?

Wholesome Fun

Every damn time.

Randomly Selected Animal Cutie

troy @joker_misato

you better not be doing the cell block tango with a seal when i get over there

This seal is a better dancer than me, and I have actual feet.

All right, that’s it for me this week. Hope you have a great weekend! I’m going to enjoy getting out a little bit before we get more rain next week (I don’t want to talk about it)! Go get a green beer or something (no mint!!)!

K