Hey hey hey! Happy Friday!
I’m coming to you today from Dayton, Ohio — the location of the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop. Yesterday I drove down from Chicago, which was just under 5 hours in the car. Honestly, nothing feels too long after a cross country trip requiring like 7-8 hours of driving a day for a a full week!
In fact, it’s quite nice to be mostly stationary now until Sunday, so my back and gas pedal foot can get a little break. Speaking of which — is it weird to not like to use cruise control? It’s like my reaction time is slower or something. I just feel like I don’t have enough control over the car! Should I talk to my therapist about this??
Don’t answer that. Well, the therapist part. I actually would like to know if I am in the minority not being a fan of cruise control. It’s fine if whoever is driving uses it if I’m a passenger. It’s just not for me as a driver.
Anyway — I only brought my iPad on this trip even though I drove, because it’s just a bit easier to manage. However, it also means all my formatting gets funky and my images are gigantic, so sorry in advance.
It’ll come as no surprise that this week’s newsy will be a bit short since I’m about and about, so let’s get to the goods:
Brands a-Branding™
Apparently, Amazon’s “just walk out” stores were actually staffed, remotely, by thousands of people watching our every move. Okay, Fred Flintstone! Essentially if you just open up all the “cameras” and “motion detectors” there’s just like…a whole bunch of people on the other side making everything work.
Hopefully those people are not being actively burned by a monkey with a stick, but it’s Amazon, so who knows.
And look: besides the fact that Amazon flat-out lied about the functionality of the stores, here’s my biggest issue: this means that some lovely folks in India spent minutes of their days watching me get cookies and animal crackers and water in a box at an Amazon Go store in Merchandise Mart in 2019.
I have been perceived.
I thought I was safe in there, with only robots and Jeff Bezos himself aware of my repetitive purchasing habits. Should we file a class-action lawsuit over this?? I personally feel that I have been emotionally damaged by thinking I was only being monitored by robots when instead a real live human person watched me get the same cookie at 3PM every day for 3 weeks.
I may never recover.
Good Reads
This thread from a guy who paid $52 for “all you can eat” seats at a Marlins game, who said, and I quote, “I’m gonna make them regret this.” I believe the most relatable human experience is getting your damn money’s worth.
Shameless Self-Promotion Corner
This section gets more and more shameless by the week! I had a quick-turnaround Easter-themed piece published this week in Hard Drive titled “Jesus Re-Release Widely Panned for Lack of Physical Media.”
This was a fun one that required just a tiny bit of Biblical research, but really made me laugh while I was writing it. Never thought I’d get an opportunity to call the Shroud of Turin an old shirt, but I’m very glad I did.
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
I’d like to pretend like today’s animal cutie was randomly selected, but I don’t really think that’s a fair assessment of my obsession with the hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo. I try to ration them in the newsletter, but like, how could I not include this:
LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS. LOOK AT HIS LITTLE FACE.
I refuse to apologize for sharing Fritz for the millionth time.
And I am literally only an hour away from him right now. What if I just skipped the rest of the conference and drove to the zoo? What if I just spent my entire weekend staring at his little face IN PERSON?
I won’t, because I paid for this conference. But I’ll be back, Fritz. I’ll be back.
That’s it from me this week! Excited to spend the next couple of days immersed in ~writing~ and meeting new folks. Can’t wait to tell you guys all about it! Have a great weekend, and get yourself some eclipse glasses for next week!
K
I also don’t love using cruise control! My partner loves it, but I can’t remember the last time I used it.
Also not a fan of cruise control haha. "Jesus Re-Release" made me cackle, thanks for that!!