Elasticized Raisin Carcass

Internet round-up for the week of June 1, 2026

Jun 05, 2026

Greetings, pals! It is, once again, Friday. It’s cloudy and rainy here, and I’m locked into a battle of wits with a potential migraine (but I’m winning for now, at least).

What a WEEK!

First let me say, exciting happenings have been taking place outside my apartment. My street was repaved!

A triptych of photos of a street being ground down, a steamroller pressing new asphalt, and the finished product. A brick building frames the image and trees and an esplanade are visible — SMOOTH

I sent my husband approximately 500 photos of all these big trucks and equipment during the week, along with important updates like “Did you know there are two different kinds of steamroller???” I was taking glamour shots of these things like I owned a photography studio in the ‘90s and the heavy machinery was a 4th grade girl’s birthday party.

I have no excuse. I just thought they were cool! I’ve never seen someone repave a street! It’s neat! I am a child!

And also now my street is SUPER SMOOTH and my entire apartment doesn’t shake when a big truck drives over one billion cracks and potholes! (This will continue to be wonderful until the first snowplow comes through and chops my street to bits, but at least I’ve got all summer before that shit starts.)

We also went to the Green City Market and the Lincoln Park Zoo last weekend, which was nice. It was fun even though the Zoo was a bit crowded for my taste, but I think that’s just because we went on a Saturday when the weather was nice. We’ll definitely be going to the market and walking around the park again later this summer, though! (I need new birds for my Life List on Merlin Bird ID!!)

Lincoln Park south pond with the skyline in the background — Pretty city

I’m getting started much later than usual today, but hey, I’m here! This week has been super busy for me, but I have finally turned in TWO massive personal projects I’ve been working on, and as of today, I now have nothing (I REPEAT: NOTHING) due other than my regular work at my day job. I am THRILLED.

Me every day and night and weekend for the past two months

It’s a HUGE relief to have this big stuff off my plate (Exciting announcements re: these things to come in the next couple of months! Or if they do not go the way I hope and I do not have exciting announcements you will never hear about them! As is my right!) and be able to relax for the next month or two. As I’ve told a couple of people already, as soon as this newsy is out, I’m going DIRECTLY into slug mode.

So, without further ado — let’s dive on in to the goods from this week:

Headline of the week

I’m going to lose my fucking mind.

A table covered in a white sheet with a purple blanket on top, and on top of THAT there's a big ol nasty shriveled up mummy — Somebody put the mummy in the oven at 425° already, it seems

“Sourdough bread from yeast found in the guts of a frozen mummy” sounds like a MadLibs written by two clinically insane 6th graders. What is going ON in SCIENCE??!!?

Also can I just say — the mummy is DEAD. How do we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that his/her/their1 gut yeast did not contribute to that in any way? This is like picking over a corpse and trying the axehead on between your eyes to see if it fits.

SIGH. Tell me more, I guess:

More than 5,300 years ago — before the Egyptian pyramids were built — Oetzi was strolling through the Alps on the border of Austria and Italy when he was killed by an arrow in the back.

You THINK. Could’ve been yeast.2

Moving on.

For the latest research, published in the Microbiome journal on Wednesday, an Italy-based team found evidence that both ancient and modern microbial life remain active in the frozen body.
“What we didn’t expect to find was yeast,” lead study author Mohamed Sarhan of the Eurac Research institute in the Italian city of Bolzano told AFP.

Yeah, well. Who’s looking for YEAST on a fucking elasticized raisin carcass?

The scientists discovered four different yeasts that can survive sub-zero temperatures in Oetzi's guts, skin and "brownish" water that melted off his body when he was partially unfrozen.
The scientists then reproduced the gut yeast in a fridge.

BROWNISH WATER??????????????

I think we’re done here.

Brands a-branding

Lunchables announced this week that they’re releasing a “CharcuteRING” — that is, basically a little ring made to look like a tiny charcuterie board:

It comes with a new line of snack packs that include Welch’s Fruit Snacks, and it’s a really adorable idea unless you’ve actually tasted a Lunchable in the last year.

While in Pennsylvania and in need of a late night snack, I snagged a Lunchable from Wegman’s, and got a stark reminder that every item inside the package is now made from a liquid polymer and not, as I may have remembered from childhood, actual food.

The whole thing is basically shrinkflation personified — EVERYTHING is smaller (sliced thinner) than it used to be, and they did something freaky to the crackers. I don’t know what it is, but they have a weird imprint on them that makes them look like a cracker on one side while the other side has the distinct appearance of the inside of a cookie that’s supposed to have icing on it, and so your brain thinks it’s gonna be sweet but it isn’t, but it also isn’t quite cracker flavored, and I don’t like it.

I do like the stupid little ring, though.

Also. I have not tried The Beans™ yet, but should have a review for you next week.

Billionaire boys

As I mentioned last week, ol’ Beej flew down to Australia with Kate to meet her family. He’s been fairly quiet since then, but yesterday he finally began talking about the trip:

Partial tweet from Bryan Johnson: "I met Kate’s parents. It was a nail bitter. We landed after 24 hours of travel and immediately went to her mum’s house where the family congregated… her mum, dad, auntie, three cousins, sister, brother-in-law, a 3-wk old newborn, brother, and soon-to-be sister-in-law. There were 15 of us crammed into a living room. Upon arriving, someone said “oh I know your content from X”. Blood drained from my face. Nobody could tell though because my face is already pretty pale." — via Twitter

As always, the tweet is incredibly long — but I’ve selected a particularly interesting highlight for you:

Her mother, also from Bosnia, needed some time to warm up. That’s reasonable. I understand. I’m a bit unusual. She’s soft spoken, careful with her words, and protective of her daughter. A few days in and I began to worry that I may head home with an undecided verdict. I decided to live in her mum’s world. I ate everything she prepared, including meat, bread, and pasta, and embraced the discomfort of being an introvert in a week-long marathon social interaction with the entire extended family. We spent time in her garden and she fed me stevia leaves, peppers, celery, chives, peanut berry, grapefruit, and starfruit.

Zoomed in on: I decided to live in her mum’s world. I ate everything she prepared, including meat, bread, and pasta, and embraced the discomfort of being an introvert in a week-long marathon social interaction with the entire extended family.

Zoomed in on: I ate everything she prepared, including meat, bread, and pasta

OKAY BRYAN!!!

Look at you being normal for your girlfriend’s parents!!!!!

Color me impressed. A willingness to forgo his anti-aging regimen in favor of regular ol’ human interaction is NOT a skill I thought Bryan possessed. I’m so proud of him 😭

Randomly selected animal cutie

Some solid Chicago vibes for you today:

Sure, she’s a big city, but there’s also a lot of wildlife around, too (hence my prior mention of the Merlin Bird ID app). Sidenote: the moral of this story: don’t mess with geese.

That’s it from me this week! I am currently transforming into slug mode as a type and need to get away from my computer before I get goo on my keyboard. Have a good one!
K

Happy Pride :)

They actually go on to say that the yeast likely took up residence in the disgusting husk after its death, but I don’t believe a word these freaks say at this point. THEY ATE BREAD MADE OUT OF MUMMY INSIDES. They’re not okay!!!

Talia Argondezzi

I too am settling into an age- and apparently gender-unusual appreciation for construction vehicles. Like they're just unambiguously cool! So sue me! Force feed me mummy yeast!

1 reply by Kelley Greene

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