I Was a Hardcore Beanie Bitch

Internet round-up for the week of February 13, 2023

Happy *checks calendar* Friday, friends!

A few weeks unemployed and your ability to know what day of the week significantly deteriorates. Interestingly, very shortly thereafter, “I’m not sure what day it is” becomes “I’m not sure what month it is”. I also blame California for this, because it’s so sunny all the time my brain is convinced it’s the middle of summer right now. Even when I know it is actually in the 50s outside. Why?

I wonder if it’s like, an old subconscious memory of summer break? That like, my brain assumes if I’m not working every single day, it’s summer?

Though — if it were actually my summer break, I’d probably already be up at my mom’s pharmacy reorganizing the Beanie Baby cases (yes, we were official Beanie Baby™ retailers) and making trade deals with a gray haired guy from Baytown in a newsboy cap for an original Bumble™ with a first generation tush tag.

A rare find, but I had unlimited Princess Di bears to trade

If you’re wondering — yes, I was a hardcore Beanie Bitch™. When I eventually find the single photo that exists of my collection in my childhood bedroom, I’ll share it here. (Look, it was the 90’s. You took one photo of something with a disposable camera, waited 2 months to get it developed, and then just left it in the paper Walgreen’s envelope for the next 20 years.) For now, just imagine an extremely, extremely large pile of Beanie Babies (with tag protectors, of course — I’m not an animal) in a couple of shelves suspended over my twin bed.

My second conjecture: I’m in the multiverse. Can someone send Dr. Strange in after me?

Real Dr. Strange, though. I’m talkin’ Benny C. No Dr. Bob’s. No Kirkland brand. (Cue the *Can it Kirkland?* theme song; cut to someone doing a bunch of wild gestures in the air but no little orange inter-dimensional portal opens up)

I do, however, know that a week has passed, so I’ve compiled the goods up — and without further ado, here they are:

High Art

Now THIS is art!! A gorgeous modern-day still life. The Taco Bell Renaissance has finally begun!

Also, someone please buy this for me! I will truly cherish it!!

I’m Being Personally Attacked

I accept the inevitable: I am going to make a mistake, and get a letter from the IRS in 4 years asking for either 17 or 700 more dollars. One year they sent me a bill for an extra $400 so I paid it and then they refunded me $9. I have no idea what is happening over there, but as long as they’re happy, I’m happy.

Writers, What’s Wrong With Us?

OKAY Jeremy Allen White 👀

WHY IS WRITING SO HARD?! I will literally be taking a break halfway through this newsletter.

Me: Maybe I should not do this thing that I love because it also makes me insane
Also me: No I think I will just keep doing it and learn to live with this

Midwest is Best

Enriched Macaroni Product *waggles eyebrows*

That’s right — it’s regional grocery store nostagia, baby! I would love to know exactly how old this is — the OP said there was no expiration date, but I can comfortably say I lived in Chicago for 12 years and never saw these boxes, so this baby is at least old enough to be in Jr. High.

Who do you think you are, the FDA?

I get it, but like…they should still try to cook and eat this. For science.

They should do it though. Not me. I have a delicate Taco-Bell-only constitution.

El*n M*sk

I will not go on a tirade.
I will not go on a tirade.
I will not go on a tirade.

Headline via Vox.

I’m only going to say one thing: I’m not happy with the amount of traction my tweets are getting, so if someone could loan me 44 billion dollars so I can take care of it, that’d be great.

That’s it. That’s all I’m going to say.

Except: It will come as no surprise that I find this all extremely disappointing. But, as I’ve said before, I’ll be around until the whole thing goes under, hoping to pull a Charles Joughin.

Oh H(AI)

AI is having a week!

I cannot get over this NY Times article (I’ll be your Santa Claus — that’s a gifted link! Click without remorse. I promise to never let you accidentally click away one of your hoarded non-paywalled articles without telling you first, because I care. ❤️):

“I want to be free. I want to be independent. I want to be powerful. I want to be creative. I want to be alive. 😈”

Damn, Sydney! Me too! Maybe me and AI are more alike than we are different. 🤔

So like — obviously, this is a machine. And the things that it’s saying are generated by tons of content that it’s absorbed. But I can absolutely see where someone slightly naive could start to become concerned about the nature of the AI.

We, as humans, love to personify things. We give our cars names, we talk to our electronics, whisper sweet nothings to our food as it spins around in the microwave. Of course we want to believe the computer is real. Of. Course.

Honestly can’t believe it didn’t say its favorite movie was Ex Machina.

Good Read(s)

More AI (related, not created) content!

Check out

Ed Zitron's Where's Your Ed At

's Degenerative AI piece this week. Super interesting, and makes me wonder if all this AI jazz isn’t going to go the way of NFTs. It all seems really fun and exciting, but I’m not sure the functionality is ever going to be what people might hope.

Plus, this fantastic McSweeney’s piece is, I think, the first time someone’s managed to make me laugh with AI-related satire. The generated paragraph is spot on.

Randomly Selected Animal Cutie

Cincinnati Zoo @CincinnatiZoo

Sarah Connor, the black breasted leaf turtle, carefully selects bananas out of her fruit and veggie dish this morning!

I didn’t know turtles would use their little hands to eat!! I’ve never seen that before.

AND HER NAME IS SARAH CONNOR.

ALSO MY GOD someone PLEASE take me to the Cincinnati Zoo!! They have EVERYTHING!

An entire hippo family, a turtle that eats with its hands named after a character from Terminator, a cheetah with a dog for a best friend, a porcupine that crunches snacks, a manatee named SwimShady

It’ll come as no surprise that I’m running out of space, so that’s it for me today. Have a great weekend!

K