I'm a Historical Figure

Internet round-up for the week of February 21, 2023

Feb 24, 2023

Hiya! Happy Friday!

I realized this morning that if I always open complaining about a weird thing the weather’s doing, I’ll never run out of content, because it’s just going to get weirder and weirder until we’re all dead! (Don’t worry, I’m fine! Just having a small existential crisis because of Mattel, which I’ll discuss in a sec!) Anyway, California is having some wild rain/snow storms, and it’s cold!

I’m not complaining, but it’s like, when you sign up for “California” you have some expectations. Ultimately I’m just happy I get to wear my puffy coat.

Physical: 100 wrapped up this week and the finale did not disappoint. They also seemed to leave things open for another season, so fingers crossed we get one!

We’re currently doing an Arrested Development rewatch since Netflix is removing it in a few weeks (how dare they), and it’s just as good as I remember. What is happening here?? Are streaming services running out of cloud storage? They literally produced the last two seasons. 🙃

ANYway, I know I’m gonna be pressed for space momentarily, so here’s the goods from this week:

I’m Being Personally Attacked

By a Brand™, no less.

Headline that reads, "American Girl unveils twin dolls inspired by '90s nostalgia" — Headline via GMA.

Oh cute! American Girl dolls are fun. I never had them growing up, but I definitely enjoyed the books! Let’s see ‘em!

An image of the two new dolls, back to back, standing in their 90s themed bedroom. — The one on the right is giving Alex Mack. I wonder if she can shapeshift into a little pile of chrome-colored goo.

Adorable! Love those little outfits. So recognizable. Feels fairly innocuous, right? Let’s get some more details on these cuties!

An excerpt of the first three paragraphs of the above linked article from GMA, with the word "historical" highlighted

Same screenshot, zoomed in more on the word "historical"

As close as you can get to "historical" without your eyes getting wet

Excuse me.

Schitts Creek gif of David saying "I don't like what you're insinuating"

This…this has to be a mistake. Right?

Oh, got it. Several decades ago.

Several. Decades.

I can only assume someone misunderstood the definition of “several”…?

I ask ChatGPT what amount is considered "several", and it says more than a few, but less than many, and finally specifies that in a historical context, it usually implies a time period of at least three to four decades. — *Frantically counting on my fingers, muttering “I can’t do this again. The 90s were 10 years ago. Don’t do this to me”*

Cool. 🫠

Let’s take it over to camera 3, where I’d like to address Brands™ directly.

Hey Brands™! Just wanted to check in and ask if y’all realize who might be a big part of your market share for nostalgic toys. If you guessed millennials, you’re right! We have (or had, before we lost our jobs due to ridiculous tech layoffs) disposable income and love collectibles! On a more personal note, please do not remind me how old I am in your marketing! Every day I get up and look in the mirror and remember humanity’s slow inevitable march toward death as I squint to find a new gray hair and try to figure out if my skin is actually beginning to slide off my face while I somehow still have acne! If you use the word “historic” in a context that refers to me ever again I’ll burn your headquarters to the ground! Okay that’s all, good luck with your new products!!

I’m fine! Everything’s fine.

A gif of a woman where her face appears over her shoulder and says "we're all gradually dying" and then disappears and then the real version of her smiles and nods and says "great" before looking like she's having an existential crisis.

I am having an existential crisis and yet I still want the Pizza Hut BOOK IT! accessories. Help.

Vintage Meme Making The Rounds

This is a re-share from the original author, but it never fails to make me laugh.

A venn diagram with four circles by @mattsurelee. The top circle is red and says "bank robbers". It shares "I'm not asking twice" with a blue circle that says "Mom Taking Off Your Sweater". That circle shares "if you don't listen to me there will be consequences" with a green circle that says "Preachers". The green circle shares "Are you with me?" with a yellow circle that says "DJs", which shares "Everyone on the floor" with the red bank robbers circle. All 4 circles share "Put your hands in the air" in the center.

Wholesome Fun

I am screaming.

This absolutely sounds like something I would do. Not the head in the oven bit, just the…not actually understanding something but assuming I did and just going about life until someone tells me differently bit.

For example: As a kid I’d heard people talking about WWII, but it sounded like everyone was saying “War War 2”. Which I could understand, since it was the second one. Double wars. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why it was called “War War 1” and not just “War 1,” until years later I finally saw it written down and was like WORLD WAR oh I see because the whole WORLD was involved well that makes a lot more sense.

Aaaaaand realizing now that when I was born in the 80s that WWII was “historical” as it had happened “several” decades ago.