Welcome to Deep Dives, a bi-monthly subsection of TMI! Here, I dive deeper into my thoughts about a topic that doesn’t fit in the weekly newsletter.
*NOTE*:
Today’s Deep Dive is, as usual, too long for email, so be sure to click “View entire message” or read on the web/app to see the whole thing.
The other day I was in the shower when I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye. Much to my chagrin, I discovered a tiny spider was crawling around on the grout between panes in the glass brick window, which is — I’m sorry to say — extremely uncool.
I, however, am a pacifist (read: coward) and thought it best just to leave the spider alone and let it do its thing. Perhaps it would catch a bug (this spider was so small I literally don’t know what bug might be smaller than it) as a karmic gift to me for leaving it alone. Sadly, I found it shriveled up in the corner of the shower shelf a couple days later. I kindly gave it a burial at sea (read: stuck its corpse to my wet fingertip and rinsed it down the drain).
But — the spider’s untimely demise is not the purpose of our gathering here today. No, it’s that when my brain saw that spider, it instantly triggered a memory of a song I used to sing at Girl Scout Camp about a girl who finds a spider in her bed. I enjoyed the nostalgia and started running through the lyrics in my head when I suddenly hit a part of the song that struck me as rather odd. Here, I’ll show you.
These are the lyrics (emphasis mine):
ONCE A GIRL SCOUT WENT TO CAMP
(Tune: Head & Shoulders, Knees & Toes)Once a Girl Scout went to camp, went to camp
Went to camp without her lamp, without her lamp
And when she saw a spider in her bed,
This is what the Girl Scout said, Girl Scout said:
"Spider, spider, go away, go away,
You are not allowed to stay, allowed to stay
This is what my leader said,
'No two bodies in one bed, in one bed.'"Once a Boy Scout went to camp, went to camp
Went to camp without his lamp, without his lamp
And there he saw a spider in his bed, in his bed
This is what the Boy Scout said, Boy Scout said:
"Aaaaaauuughhhhhh!"
Oh, I see. So this isn’t just a fun little song about a spider or how girls are tougher than boys. This is meant to be educational. Instructional, even.
This is a “don’t y’all be doing anything in your sleeping bags once the leaders have left to sip from their flask around the campfire,” song. A “don’t make us talk to your parents,” song. A “no lesbian stuff” song.
And it kind of made me wonder — what else was I missing in these camp songs that are very specifically made for children to sing??
So, I took a look through the Official Girl Scout Song Book and pulled out a few of my favorites for us to discuss.
I’ll be upfront: this thing is a goddamn treasure trove of weird shit. I picked out a few select songs to discuss today, but you can safely assume there’s a non-zero chance that this Deep Dive will end up being Part 1 of a “I need to go digging through that weird fucking song book again” series.
I will add: I distinctly remember singing, and enjoying, a number of the songs in the book. But it’s kind of like rewatching the cartoons from your childhood as an adult — there’s some commentary in there you’re only going to catch with the benefit of *cough* years of life experience.
So let’s dig in — first, we’ll start with something light and educational:
DIAL 911
(Tune: 3 Blind Mice)Dial 911 Dial 911
If you are hurt If you need help
If someone has fallen and can't get up
Run to the phone and pick it up
Stay in the line and don't hang up.
Help will come
Girlies!! It’s time to have some fun! We’re going to sit around the campfire, roast marshmallows, and remind ourselves about the fragility of life.
Fine, fine. I’ll admit this is probably great for the youngest kids in the group, giving important reminders about how to handle an emergency situation. Like, when someone has fallen and they can’t get up.
Let’s move on to something a little…funkier:
COCA-COLA
(Marching cadence)Coca-Cola came to town
Diet Pepsi shot him down
Dr. Pepper fixed him up
Now they all drink 7-UpRomeo and Juliet
On a balcony they met
Romeo said to Juliet
"You're the cutest girl that I've seen yet."Jaws went swimming in the sea
Saw a diver for his tea
Chopped him up into little chunks
Then spat out his swimming trunks.Superman flying through the air
Swooping around without a care.
Looking for his Lois Lane
Is it a bird or is it a plane?In the cinema in the dark
Watching Raiders of the Lost Ark.
By the girls he is adored,
Harrison Ford, yes Harrison Ford.
YAAS QUEEN! I love nothing more than the personification of Brands™!!
Diet Pepsi (male?) assaulted Coca-Cola (male) with a gun, but apparently was not charged because it was during The Purge for beverages. Thank god Dr Pepper (male?) was able to remove the bullets from his plastic/aluminum casing (he’d be shattered and dead if he was in a glass bottle), because he/they/it has a medical degree in, I guess, emergency soda medicine1. And after their disagreement was resolved, they cannibalized another type of soda (male?).
In this world, is it natural for sodas to drink each other? Can they, or do they, drink themselves? Is the 7-Up here providing his body (liquid2) willingly, as a mediation?
Also, when the fuck did this song get added to the book, the early 80s? We’ve got a mention of Jaws (1975), Superman (1978), and Raiders of The Lost Ark (1981).
(Not particularly relevant here: Romeo and Juliet (1597).)
Here’s how I imagine a conversation about this song going between a Gen Alpha Girl Scout and their mother.
Scout: Mom, who’s Harrison Ford?
Mom: He’s an actor. Why?
Scout: We sang a song about him today in Girl Scouts.
Mom: You…sang a song…about Harrison Ford…in…Girl Scouts??
Scout gets out her iPhone (which I assume she already has at seven years old because that’s just what kids do these days) and Googles “hairison ford”. She sees this:
Scout: Ew, mom. He’s like a hundred!! Did he used to be hot or something?
Mom: Oh yeah, he used to be3. Try searching “Young Harrison Ford” or “Harrison Ford hot.”
Now we’re getting into the shit. Steel yourselves:
PINK PAJAMAS
(Tune: The Battle Hymn of the Republic)I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot
I wear my flannel nightie in the winter when it's not
And sometimes in the springtime and sometimes in the fall
I jump into my little bed with nothing on at allThat's the time when you should see me
That's the time when you should see me
That's the time when you should see me
When I jump into my little bed with nothing on at allNosy, nosy what's it to ya?
Nosy, nosy what's it to ya?
Nosy, nosy what's it to ya?
When I jump into my little bed with nothing on at all.
Who, uh…who are we singing to here? Because — you know what, honestly, I can’t think of any answer to that question that’s going to make “That’s the time when you should see me” feel okay.
(FWIW: I do not recall singing that stanza; we said “jump between the covers” instead of “jump into my little bed” and skipped straight to the “Nosy, nosy what’s it to ya” bit. STILL, THO. BIG YIKES.)
Moving on:
SIPPIN' CIDER
(A Repeat song)The cutest boy I ever saw
Was sippin' ci - Der through a straw
I asked him if He'd show me how
To sip that ci Der through a strawHe said of course He'd show me how
To sip that ci Der through a straw
First cheek to cheek Then jaw to jaw
We sipped that ci Der through a strawAnd just by chance That straw did slip-
And that is how I kissed his lip
From sippin' ci- Der through a straw
The very next day The preacher came
Now 49 kids All call me ma'
From sippin' ci- Der through a straw
The moral of This story is
Don't sip that ci-Der through a strawDrink Dr. Pepper!!!
A WARNING TO US ALL.
If you so much as touch a boy’s lip with your lip, you will birth 49 children in one day. If you are not ready to be a parent, you should not be sharing a drink with a boy.
Also why is the “preacher” there? To bless the 49 children? To chastise them for touching mouths before entering in to the sanctity of marriage? For lunch?
“Thanks for sharing your drink with me, but look, dude, we can’t touch lips. It’s best if you see me when I’m nude in bed. NO KISSING THOUGH!!”
I’m going to embarrass myself here by telling you that I loved singing this song when I was in Girl Scouts, because I had made drinking Dr Pepper part of my personality.
Many summers, my family (along with my aunt, uncle, and cousins) made the trek from Houston up to Six Flags Over Texas in Arlington, stopping along the way at the Dr Pepper bottling location in Dublin, Texas. We’d get a case of Dr Pepper made with cane sugar in glass bottles, and I was fairly certain at the time that there was no fancier beverage in the world. I had access to the upper echelon of DP!
Actually you know what, let’s just skip using abbreviations here. The upper echelon of Dr Pepper.
Anyway, I was a Dr Pepper Child™. Truthfully, I was completely terrified of boys as well, so this one really hit home. Shouting “DRINK DR PEPPER” at the end was like the height of coolness. Fuck cider. I was a Dr Pepper girlie through and through. For more proof, see my 1st footnote.
Here’s our next gem:
BACKWARDS SONG
Well I walked up the door and I opened the stairs
Said my pajamas and I put on my prayers.
Turned off the bed and jumped into the light
All because he kissed me good night!
Well, I woke up next morning and I scrambled my shoes
Shined up an egg and I toasted the news
Buttered my tie and took another bite
All because he kissed me never could resist me
All because he kissed me Good night!
I’m getting a bit of mixed messaging here. Do you have 49 children if you kiss a boy, or do you just lose all your mental capacity?
Maybe the preacher came by to perform an exorcism after seeing the recently kissed broad “toast” the news, shine an egg, and eat a tie.
Next up, this…er…song:
RAINBOW LOVE
Chorus:
We're a rainbow made of children.
We're an army singing a song.
There's no weapon that can stop us,
Rainbow love is much too strong.
I was raided in Mississippi
Sayin "Yes, Sir" to all the men.
But I found it got me nowhere,
So I'll never say it again.
I was taught that black was evil.
I was taught that white was good.
But when you become a rainbow,
All the colors are understood.
Chorus
It's the winning that's important,
not the way the game is played.
That's the way some folks see it,
But that's not how peace is made.
Now the rainbow's all kinds of people,
walking together hand in hand.
At the end of the rainbow
there'll be peace throughout the land.
Chorus
Sha na na na, sha na na na,
Sha na na na, sha na na na,
Sha na na na, sha na na na.
Rainbow love is much too strong.Well, my grandma, she was a Princess.
Well, my grandpa, he was a Chief.
Thanks of those of our good nation,
Both my folks are on relief.
Choruses: Sign and Sing*
I’m not touching that shit with a 10-foot pole.
I’ll close on a fun educational note. Enjoy this last one:
I'M A CRICKET
(Tune: You are my Sunshine)I am a cricket A big, black cricket.
I have six legs and Two pairs of wings.
My body's covered with an exoskeleton.
And I rub my legs together to sing.
I preemptively apologize for this being stuck in your head for the rest of the day.
Does anyone out there have a Gen Alpha aged kid that’s in Girl Scouts? Do they still sing these types of songs or do they just go to Sephora and dick around with the tester products?
Until next time,
K
At least, the way it’s incorrectly written here. The correct spelling of Dr Pepper does not feature a period after “Dr.” In theory, we may have spent many, many years mispronouncing “Drive Pepper.”
I’m reminded of the old philosophical question: is the Kool-Aid Man the pitcher, or is he the liquid within?
I have unfortunately reached an age where I need to assume that the mother in my pretend story is probably THE SAME AGE AS ME (kill me) and just FTR Harrison Ford was already old by the time I was old enough to be ogling men (even ones that were older than me)!! THIS SONG IS REALLY OUT OF TOUCH, IS WHAT I’M SAYING.
"Romeo said to Juliet 'You're the cutest girl that I've seen yet.'" ...I must've missed that bit in Shakespeare 😂