Please Don't Make Me Subscribe to Roku
Internet round-up for the week of May 1, 2022
Hello, it’s me.
I’ve been wondering if after all these hours you’d like to eat?
Firstly, this has been a long and emotional week for a lot of us out there, so I’ll keep it short and light.
Check out those first two lines. Am I Weird Al now or what? Earlier this week I was just randomly wondering what Weird Al is up to these days, and coincidentally his biopic trailer dropped that same day:
I’m ridiculously excited about everything about this except…I’m sorry, The Roku Channel?
I don’t know what that is, and I won’t subscribe to it.
Weird. Can I call you Weird? What’re we doin’ here, bud? How exclusive is this deal? Did every other streaming service pass on this, or do you owe a karmic debt to someone at Roku?
I’m more likely to watch a version of this that someone recorded off their TV with their iPhone than I am to subscribe to The Roku Channel. I am very sorry.
Monday I thought I was going to have standby jury duty, but ended up not getting called in (they picked another section of the alphabet). Jury duty is one of those things, y’know? I both love and loathe the idea of it. It’s good to be a part of my community and do my civic duty. And it feels important. Like, way more important than my day job. And there’s a lot of weight to it. Making real decisions! For real people!
But, on the other hand…I didn’t want to have to get dressed in real clothes, go downtown to the courthouse, and sit in a room full of strangers all day. And then…what if I ended up on a real jury? And then actually had to make a real decision that would affect a real person? IT’S TOO MUCH.
Now, to be fully transparent: I was playing Candy Crush right before I started this newsletter. I’M QUITTING. Slowly. Also, If I’m honest, I’m absolutely going to play it some more after I get done sharing this lil curation:
Writers, What’s Wrong With Us?
Look, I know getting words down on the page is tough. I’m writing right now. But I’ve seen two things this week that make me think we’re just plain losing it.
“A quirk of the cafe is that I also get to choose how much verbal pressure I want from the staff—mild, normal, or hard…A mild check-in usually consists of “How’s it going?,” with normal ranging from “You have an hour left, right?” to “Have you finished? Oh that’s not good.” For hardcore procrastinators, “hard” usually involves a few words of shaming or mild irritation about your dilly-dallying.”
This sounds like third-party kidnapping and intermediary self-flagellation.
Secondly: An app that will delete your work if you stop writing.
Who the hell came up with this shit, Jigsaw?
We’ve really gotta be nicer to ourselves, guys.
Headline of The Week
Look who wasn’t just being whiny! It’s me! Friends. We’ve had 42 days of clouds with only ONE day of sun in there. It’s May now. WHERE ARE THE DAMN FLOWERS?!
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
Lots of goodies out there this week, but I’ll leave you with this Australian Shepherd booty.
The reasons I selected this video are twofold: 1) that is a very cute dog and 2) I CANNOT GET THIS DAMN SONG OUT OF MY HEAD.
I’m in the bathroom brushing my teeth and my brain is just repeating My money doesn’t jiggle jiggle, it folds. I’m cooking dinner hearing I’d like to see you wiggle wiggle, for sure. I’m trying to sleep at night and over and over it’s Ridin’ in my Fiat, you really have to see it. Help me. Please.
That’s it for this week! Tune in next week to find out if I’m still playing fucking Candy Crush.