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Purely on Vibes
Internet round-up for the week of August 21, 2023
Happy Friday, friends!
Coming to you from a surprisingly overcast California morning — no idea why there are clouds here! Not on the weather app 🤷🏼♀️ BUT I really can’t complain too much, because WOW has the summer been SUNNY. All day, every day, sun. You almost start forgetting about Weather.
Tomorrow, we’re driving down to Anaheim because we’re going to Disneyland for my birthday (Sunday)!! I’m excited to eat lots of Mickey-shaped junk food and Dole Whips!
I just have to ask, though: am I the only one that finds Disney’s theme park setup to be extremely convoluted? Like — I am a smart person. Why should I have to read the instructions for Genie+ 3000 times? How do I book a ride? Why do I have to tell you what park I’m going to in advance and pay extra if I want to go to the other one in the same day? Can I get on any of the big fancy Star Wars rides or do I have to wait 7 hours? I literally just want to go to the park and go on some rides and have fun?? Why is this so hard?
I have been working in extremely technical fields for the last 15 years, and yet I’m sifting through blogs written by people who have made it their duty to fully comprehend the Disney park setup because DISNEY’S SITE ALSO DOESN’T EXPLAIN IT WELL ENOUGH. Which is fine, except you have to navigate through a bunch of HOW TO DO DISNEY THE BEST type sites, which include things like “Get up at 6am and slather sunscreen all over your kids and force feed them 2 eggs, so you can get in line for rope drop with no one complaining they’re hungry!” I just want to hang out and have a good time!! Is that too much to ask??
Also you have to make reservations at all the dining areas in the parks like 6 years in advance if you want to sit down to eat, I guess. The preparation to go to an amusement park is now harder than doing my fucking taxes. And I’ve probably done a worse job, somehow.
At any rate — I’ll enjoy the theming and music and eating food and…buying stuff, because that’s what Disney is all about. Buying stuff.
…And giving that money to a company that won’t even pay their damn writers.
Okay I’ve gotta stop, I’m talking myself out of my birthday trip. I’m going to go, and I’m going to have fun, because it’s my BIRTHDAY TRIP!
I get older, the memes stay the same age.
Okay. On to the goods from this week!
I’m Being Personally Attacked
Why is Starbucks bringing out the PSL BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY?? IT IS AUGUST!!
You see how there’s little condensation drops all over the outside and the label is wet? That’s because THE DRINK IS FUCKING SWEATING BECAUSE IT’S GODDAMN SUMMER AND IT’S HOT OUTSIDE.
Am I nuts?? It feels like they are just releasing this earlier and earlier every year.
Time for some quick research:
PSL Release Dates for the last 10 years (via mediocre Google search):
2023 - August 24
2022 - August 30
2021 - August 24
2020 - August 25
2019 - August 27 (Business Insider considered this “early”)
2018 - August 28 (AZ Central asks “Are we ready for PSL in August?” (Answer: No))
2017 - September 1
2016 - September 6
2015 - September 8
2014 - August 26
2013 - August 28
(Last two are bad, wrong, don’t work with my data, scientists please ignore)
I don’t know how to explain this, but August is a green month, and September is orange. ORANGE IS FALL. Green month is still summer!! (Sidenote: is it a thing to have Synesthesia, but only for months??)
If I can have a pool party for my birthday, it is not time for the PSL.
ALTERNATIVELY, just put the damn thing on the menu year round like Taco Bell did for the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, make all the money, and stop this madness.
Plus, what in the fresh hell:
I wait all year for Virgo Season™, and then my Virgo Season™ is tainted by a planet appearing to move backwards in the sky?
Here’s what it means for me: No.
Absolutely not. I do not accept this. I will turn my head 180 degrees and upside down until Mercury is going in the right direction. I will simply leave the planet.
What if I move to Mercury? How will it retrograde me then?
If your answer is: you would die almost immediately because you cannot breathe there and you would melt — well, that’s also wrong. We’re not doing science here today, we’re going purely on vibes. And to me, Mercury’s vibes are feeling non-retrograde at the moment. So that’s decided, then.
I can go to Mercury if I want. Put me in the space station with NSYNC. (Just don’t make me transmit myself over because they’ll just let me dissipate into a thousand shards.)
I read a super interesting piece about him this week in The New Yorker — it’s very long, but absolutely worth the read. And speaking of massive Elon Musk exposés, I can’t recall if I shared this New York Times piece about him either — but I think it’s important to read, too.
Beyond the Elon-specific jazz in that one, I’m not really sure how I feel about the entirety of our night sky being covered in satellites?? Like, I’m all for advancing technology, but…who decides who gets control of Earth’s atmosphere, and why is it privately-owned tech companies?
It’s giving Lex Luthor trying to stop Superman from contacting Krypton.
Also this week he told his Tesla engineers to make sure their Cybertruck dimensions were below a "sub 10 micron accuracy". Which is…a measurement, that’s for sure.
Shameless Self-Promotion Corner
My biggest accomplishment this week: I redid my website!!
Pro tip: making websites look like Geocities in 2002 is actually much harder than making a clean, pretty site that’s easy to navigate.
BUT. It was worth all the effort. It’s awful, and it’s gaudy, and I love it.
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
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I mean, look. If your body is shaped like a long floppy tube, you might as well use it to your advantage. Looks fucking ridiculous, but is actually pure genius.
Also now I kind of want to know if he’s basically getting gut punched when hits the basket?? I just looked up ferret anatomy and it does look like that probably hit a bunch of his internal organs. Ouch. But hey — if you’re desperate to get into a laundry basket, you gotta do what you gotta do. The heart wants what it wants.
Okay, that’s it from me this week! Hope you have a great weekend. If anyone needs me, I’ll be eating a bunch of greasy food, riding some rides, and regretting buying the blue milk at Galaxy’s Edge!
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