Happy second to last Friday of 2023!
It’s been an incredibly busy week for me — running errands, organizing the apartment (I stg this place is going to be *perfect* before 2024), and working on a couple of pieces I need to get turned in (one is done, and one is almost done, finally!). I’m hoping to get everything all wrapped up by the end of the day tomorrow so I can chill a little bit over the actual holidays!
I’m dragging a bit today but am finally getting going. You ever have one of those days where it feels like the universe is conspiring against you to make sure you don’t sleep well? Like, it’s too hot, your partner is tossing and turning, and the next thing you know the sun is up? And you think “well, I’ll just let myself sleep late,” and then someone’s car alarm starts going off across the street and you’re just like WELP time to get up, I guess…because you’ve got a newsletter to write, and suddenly it’s almost noon, and…yeah. Ever have a day like that?
Also, I’m just now remembering last week when I said I should start my yearly recap early, and here’s some surprising news: I still haven’t started it! I swear I’m going to start it before next Friday morning, though. I SWEAR!!
This week I watched the Survivor finale live, which was fun. While the winner wasn’t my favorite contestant (love you forever Emily), she really just kind of ran the game throughout, and definitely deserved to win. I looked up the start date for next season DURING the episode (I may have a problem) and it’s two months away. UGH.
Of course I still spent some time online this week — weirdly probably more on Instagram than anywhere else? I’ll find out for sure when I get my Screen Time report, I guess. But either way, I’ve got the goods for ya:
Neil The Seal
Very Important News (VIN): there’s a VIS (Very Important Seal) hanging out in a town in Tasmania, blocking peoples cars, gnawing on traffic cones, and winning hearts (mine) in the process.
Sorry, but look at him?? He’s so cute! Let him sleep behind cars and eat anything he wants. The city is the seal’s house, we humans are just living in it.
Also if something terrible happens to him I’m going to cry! We must protect this boy at all costs!!
BryJo
No news stories about our Blood Billionaire this week, just a tweet. The algorithm truly knows me so well it puts everything remotely related to this guy into my feed.
To be fair, this is a fucking horrible picture. But also, this man is so clearly dyeing his hair it’s not even funny. And I’m not sure I noticed it before, but there’s no way he’s not getting his brows microbladed. That really seems like cheating! Why aren’t the pills and shock treatments and workouts turning your hair brown and making your brows thick on their own?? 🧐
It’s weird though — he has a shirt on? And I can’t even see his shoulders? Can someone make sure he’s not actually sick or something?? (Can he even GET sick???)
Wholesome Fun
WAY too much fun stuff online this week — the newsletter is about to get completely dominated by this section today.
First up: The one, the only, Maury Povich announcing DNA test results for an orangutan at the Denver Zoo.
MANY years ago when my brother was still in high school (and before he could drive), I’d pick him up and we’d go through Taco Bell, grab a couple bean burritos, then plop down in front of the TV and watch Maury. Truly an American Classic™. I loved this, and I think he may really have a future doing daytime TV on Animal Planet.
Next — y’all know I love a ridiculous vanity license plate, and this week, Illinois released its list of rejected vanity plate requests from 2023.
It’s a pretty solid list, but I do take issue with a couple — specifically POOPY, because that’s just funny and whoever is making these decisions needs to get a sense of humor. A little POOPY never hurt anyone, okay?
And then why did URANUS get rejected?? What if the person making the request is an astronomer who’s been doing research on Uranus for their entire career?? We’re gonna deny their opportunity to celebrate their life’s work? Did anyone even check???
Like, that’s scientific, babe. We can’t get a planet on our plate??
OH OH I SEE. SATURN IS FINE THEN. This is planet name euphemism erasure!!
Heads up to any space scientists out there: Don’t waste your time on Uranus! You’ll never get to show off your love for the planet on your car. Saturn’s fine though. Stick to Saturn. 🙄
And finally — this video popped up in my Instagram feed this week and I’ve watched it approximately 300 times.
“The world is filled with horrors beyond our comprehension” gets me every single time.
Shameless Self-Promotion Corner
I had another piece published in The Hard Times this week!
I promise I have more in my repertoire than dick jokes, but…sometimes you just gotta drop a dick joke, you know?
This was a blast to write, and I’m realizing just how much I enjoy writing these fake news style articles. They’re so silly and fun and I am having a fantastic time pitching my silly little headlines. I’ve got a couple more in progress that should be out in the coming weeks, too! 😊
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
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I CAN’T. 😭 This cow is so sweet with her little hairdos!! And them enjoying the warm air from the dryer at the end is the best. Does anyone have a cow I could just like, hang out with for the afternoon, and then give back and not have to actually take care of in any way?
That’s it from me this week! I think — I *think* — I am going to try to take a little break from social media next week?? I have never done that, ever, and since I’m planning on writing a recap post next week I shouldn’t need to be too online…so, wish me luck! (I’ll probably be back on Twitter by Tuesday!) Hope everyone has an amazing holiday weekend!
K
brb, abandoning my entire life to move to Tasmania and protect Neil at all costs