Happy Friday, folks!
Hope everyone’s had a good week so far! Monday was my hubby’s birthday, and we celebrated by spending the day together and then having delicious cake. And last Saturday, we toured Alcatraz — which, for a weird kid who loved watching documentaries about Alcatraz escape attempts, was a dream come true. We took the night tour, which I think had some major advantages: it was less crowded (less folks on the island), we got to see the hospital, which isn’t open during the day, and got some special tours. It did have one big disadvantage, though: it got dark, like really fast! And then it was…very dark!
Look, I realize that it’s dark at night. That is a thing that I know. But it was darker than I expected!! There’s not a ton of artificial light out there, especially outside. Kinda spooky, to be honest! I definitely want to go back in the daytime now, too!
ALSO I AM EXTREMELY PLEASED TO REPORT: IT’S SUNNY! We’re back to our regularly scheduled California Weather™! No clue how long it’ll last, but I’m living in the moment, baby! Taking each second of sunlight as it comes ricocheting off the windows of a car parked on the street outside and leaves me seeing weird green spots every time I close my eyes. It’s giving…Vitamin D!
Oh my god. I just — I just realized “Sunny D” is like — Vitamin D, from the sun.
They’re making alcoholic seltzer, now, by the way. I wonder if it still has Vitamin D in it?
Oh, so…no. Also “orange taste” in this context is perhaps the most ominous description of a knockoff orange juice I’ve ever heard.
And SUNNYD is one word in all caps now? Quite a retcon from a company that used to brand bottles with a label that said “Sunny Delight”…aaaand now I’m wondering if that D has to do with Vitamin D at all. 🤔 To Wikipedia!
OKAY I RETRACT EVERYTHING I SAID. I’M A GENIUS AND “SUNNYD” IS SOME SORT OF SHELF-STABLE LIQUID POLYMER. How American!!!
Guys, we’re learning SO MUCH about Products™ lately!! Would you believe that I’m unemployed? 😬
I actually have exactly one (1) week left of “employment” and then I’ll be getting my severance package. In fact, I’m returning my computer, phone, and badge today! It’s a little weird, but I’m kind of happy to just be done with all of it. Also, like — why not just let me keep my dang badge?? It doesn’t work anymore! Can a bitch get a keepsake? (Especially considering they stopped doling out swag like 5 seconds after I started working there!!)
Speaking of my former employer, let’s get in to this week’s pile of things from the internet:
Karma is a God
This week, Google released early access to Bard, its ChatGPT competitor. I signed up for it, of course, because why wouldn’t I? The first thing I did was ask if mint is considered candy and it definitively said yes so I already hate it.
But this — this is the Bard content I was looking for:
I mean, if the robot says it…it must be true.
Hilariously, days later, it won't say that anymore.
Thing is, the bot’s got no skin in the game here. It’s just rationally looking at a situation and giving the most accurate response possible, unless that response is something I don’t want to hear.
Either way, AI shitting on its “creator” is objectively hilarious, even if the company didn’t goad you into moving halfway across the country for a new job only to lay you off impersonally 6 months later!
Who Approved this Product?
The correct answer is: VIP Products, and not Jack Daniel’s.
Yes, this is a lawsuit over a dog chew toy that looks like a bottle of whiskey.
Mostly I’m just hoping that quotes like these are now enshrined somewhere in the Supreme Court’s documents:
From CNN:
VIP borrows Jack Daniel’s “Old No. 7 Brand Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey” to sell “The Old No. 2 On Your Tennessee Carpet,” a reference to dog excrement. And it changes the liquor bottle’s “40% ALC. BY VOL. (80 PROOF)” with “43% POO BY VOL.” and “100% SMELLY.”
“The Old No. 2 On Your Tennessee Carpet” is truly sending me. Sorry that Jack Daniel’s couldn’t come up with something this innovative!!
As a person who likes to write things that probably enjoy some parody protections, I’m a little partial to a ruling in favor of the parody. 🤷🏼♀️
Shameless Self-Promotion Corner
I’m back in Buzzfeed this week! It’s official (again): I am a funny woman who does funny tweets.
Plus — you may recall I shared a piece from
a couple weeks ago, and I knew I had to take a shot at writing in their medieval style. And lo and behold, look who’s a guest scribe this week!Everyone loves a fanboy, right?? Please send all positive feedback directly to The King.
(If there is any negative feedback, burn it to ashes in thy mouth.)
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie(s)
For some added adorableness — this is Jon Graziano, Dad of Noodle (the Bones/No Bones pug). He got two new pug puppies after Noodle passed and JUST LOOK AT THEM!!
That’s it from me this week! Hope y’all have a wonderful weekend where you, too, can singe your retinas staring directly into the sun. 😎
K