Slurpingly Loud
Internet round-up for the week of June 8, 2026
What’s up, friends??? Happy Friday!
It’s a wonderfully sunny day here in Chicago, which is quite welcome after some gnarly weather we’ve had the past couple of days. In fact, we were supposed to go to a concert last night during a tornado watch, but it was thankfully rescheduled for August, instead.
I’ve made a concerted (heteronyms, baby!) effort this week to take things a bit slower (and have had today off (shout out to Summer Fridays!), yay) to try and recover a bit from all the work I’ve been doing lately, which has been nice. I’ve mostly just been working normally during the day and then watching Love Island in the evenings and trying (TRYING!!!!) to get off my phone when possible.
Speaking of Love Island, summer is BACK, BABY! I’m already way too emotionally involved in the relationships of a bunch of 20-year-olds, and it’s going great. I’m convinced NBC has developed some kind of high-detail kiss mic, because when did making out become so slurpingly loud? My god. If you have misophonia, this is not the show for you.
However, if you enjoy watching hot strangers lick all over each other while misunderstanding every conversation they’ve ever been in, this IS the show for you.
If you’re new to the show, here’s a little guide to help you decide if it’s worth spending five nights a week of the next month of your life on it:
You should not watch Love Island if:
You have no tolerance for people who think their moon sign only affects them at night and could not point out New Hampshire on a map to save their lives
You cannot handle watching a man say “I don’t like her” about a woman he intends to spend the next 30 minutes laying next to while he strokes her ear
You do not want to watch a young woman cry over a man she met three days ago
You should watch Love Island if:
You enjoy spectating upon “games” producers have created, the point of which is for every person to either make out with everyone else or embarrass themselves or someone else on national television
You want to feel guilty about not going to the gym because you’re eating a Klondike bar while looking at hot people in swimsuits
You would like to text me after you see the episodes so we can say who sucks the most and who is actually very cool
Hope that helps!!
All right, that’s enough about the hotties in Fiji. On to the news of the week!
Brands a-branding
Look.
Far be it from me to crack jokes about that something that is, ostensibly, a very sad subject. Especially considering that the age of a person who’s passed whose family might choose something like this is probably on the younger side.
However.
The ads.
Sorry but like, is it canon that Shredder won and the turtles were defeated???? Because this has an extremely ominous vibe.
Also just…imagine you die and your family’s like “Yeah, he was such a Cool guy. But he was also Rude. We should select this red casket accordingly.”
Just uh. It’s interesting!
That’s all.
And add one to the list: yet another pickle-flavored item has entered the zeitgeist: “Pickle Lemonade Flavored Tortilla Chips” from Late July.
I cannot imagine there is a single enjoyable thing about these, as an experience.
Billionaire boys
Bryan dropped all the numbers on his international travel this week, including this handy chart:
Five days to regain grip strength? I thought he went to Australia, not THE MOON.
Anyway, as always, my assertions about Beej prove correct. If you listened to my recent visit to Culture Dumpster, Johnny and I discussed Bryan’s relative emotional immaturity when it comes to relationships. And then he posted this:
Which has the distinct feeling of something I might’ve posted online (if it existed) after a boy I liked didn’t look at me when K-Ci & JoJo’s “All My Life” came on during my friend’s Halloween house party in 1998.
Also — makes more sense to me now why he traveled to Australia with her rather than bringing her family to him — she had some visa issues to sort out. Hopefully she gets it squared away and our little lovebirds are back together soon.
Good read(s)
Wired recapped a budding conspiracy theory this week that Guy Fieri does not swallow food (based on this YouTube video). As you probably know by now, I love Food Network and am deeply well-versed in the Guy Fieri Cinematic Universe. I feel confident that Guy is probably swallowing the food and the editors don’t find it necessary to show him doing it on camera. But…like any good conspiracy theory, it does kinda make ya wonder…
I’m being personally attacked
One thing about me: I am a sucker for a pitiful-looking inanimate object.
Sinks that appear to be frowning give me pause. One time I couldn’t finish a delectable hippo-shaped confectionary because it looked like it wasn’t enjoying being eaten. There is a distinct possibility that I will cry if I see someone carrying around a bag that seems like it’s not having a good time.
And this week, someone posted this thing damn over on Twitter:
THE TOAST!!! 😭
He was FORGOTTEN in the TOASTER and now he’s BURNT. 😭
I thought I…I need to buy him so he feels loved!!!!!
OBVIOUSLY I went straight to the website to check on the toast. The toast is $18.
I purchased the toast. And then as I went to my cart to check out, the company, which is clearly preying upon people like me, offered for me to “add one more friend” for free shipping.
A FRIEND. ONE MORE FRIEND.
The toast needs a friend, right?
No. I’m good, I thought. Just the toast.
And then as I scrolled down even further, there was text that read, “they do better in pairs ❤️🩹.” THEY DO BETTER IN PAIRS.
A FRIEND. A FRIEND FOR THE TOAST TO DO BETTER IN A PAIR.
So… my toast will be arriving soon, alongside a forgotten moldy parmesan cheese.
And I will never visit this website again as long as I live. Help.
Randomly selected animal cutie
MOVE OVER, MOO DENG.
There’s a new baby pygmy hippo in town (Berlin), and his name is Brötchen (German for bread rolls). Just look at this muddy little snout:
I love him and I hope he gets some brand deals!!
That’s it from me this week! I’m off to play some games, watch Love Island, and chill for the rest of the weekend. Have a good one!
K
Thank you for holding my hand as I make my way through the Love Island initiation — I am a changed woman ❤️🔥🏝️
I’m in love with the burnt toast and cheese! Watching love island for the first time tonight. Maybe with one eye closed?