Taco-Bellophobic Testament
Internet round-up for the week of March 16, 2026
Hey hey, gang! Happy Friday!
Chicago’s weather has been INCREDIBLY weird this week, so I’m pleased to report it’s nearly 60° and the sun is threatening to appear today. Sunday night we had a terrible rain storm, then it froze, then Monday it snowed (a lot), and now all the snow is gone and everything’s back to normal, lousy Smarch weather. Extreme midwest behavior, I suppose.
This week, for the first time ever, I filled out a March Madness bracket with some of the gals from my fantasy football league. I selected teams solely based on vibes, and decided to predict U of H winning it all. I’m actually glad I didn’t do any research because after I locked in my picks I found out that Siena’s mascot is a really cute St. Bernard and I for sure would have ranked them higher and then spent a full day looking at mascots (maybe next year).
Anyway, Wisconsin has already destroyed my whole bracket by losing in the first round when I had them in the Final Four, so I guess I hate them now. B-B-B-B-B-Basketball!!!
Also I’m really pissed I didn’t think of this:
This week has been busy, busy, busy, as always (my recap hasn’t picked up all of my work yet (ugh), but it should be there in the next day or so).
Today’s newsy will be a bit short — I’m wrapping up some work, plus it’s my hubby’s birthday, and we’re going out to (a very early) dinner tonight before going to see Project Hail Mary in 70mm at The Music Box. Should be a blast 😎
So, without further ado — let’s get on in to the news of the week:
Billionaire boys
Ol’ BJ has been a bit quieter than usual lately — so much so that I actually had to make a little visit to his Twitter profile to check up on him.
Let’s see what he’s been up to:
Oh.
“Immortalism Manifesto,” huh?
I just, uh. I realize you didn’t ask for assistance, here, Bryan, but um. You know. May I…suggest some other options? Maybe something like “The Don’t Die Document,” or “The Taco-Bellophobic Testament,” or even “The Penis-Zapper Papers?”
Of course, I dove in to see what he was on about — but, I haven’t been able to finish reading it yet, because…well, see for yourself:
“For most of the history of life on Earth…” okay, great. I’ll come back to this when I have at least two full hours to waste (or before my next visit to Culture Dumpster, hehe).
Anyway, that’s not all: he is apparently in the market for two dogs (how he intends to contend with dog hair in his hermetically sealed home I can’t wait to see), probably because they’re shown to lower dementia risk (of course there has to be an anti-aging aspect, couldn’t be because you just wanna have a cute little guy hanging around your place). He’s also considering using leeches to improve his testosterone and sexual function.
Great!
Wholesome fun
I HAVE EXCELLENT NEWS. Our baby boy Punch has a little girlfriend!!!!! 😭
Look at him. Growing up! Not getting his ass beat by bastards! We love to see it.
Also, a possum (no “o”) was found in an airport in Australia, hiding in stuffed animals, and a photographer snapped this pic of a red kite flying around with a sausage roll in its talons.
And I need you to see this fast food (scanned):
Beautiful. That’s art, baby.
Randomly selected animal cutie
If you’ve been here for a little while, you know that part of my childhood was spent in 4-H and FFA, showing farm animals (please enjoy my awful pig fight diagram from this time last year). So it’ll come as no surprise that I’ve been to my share of rodeos.
Now before we get to the video, I’d like to explain the sport you’re about to see here. It’s called “Mutton Bustin’,” and if you’re not familiar with it, it’s basically a bull riding equivalent for little kids. But instead of putting a tiny child on a gigantic cow, they stick them on a sheep instead (and they hold onto the sheep’s wool instead of a rope).
OBVIOUSLY this is not a joyous occasion for the sheep (or the bulls, who often have a pinchy rope tied around their nutsacks to make them more pissed off than they might normally be over the fact that some jackass has climbed upon them). The sheep, however, aren’t usually bucking — they’re just kinda running and the kids try to hold on.
ANYWAY. Now that you have some context: this video from the Houston Rodeo (one of my old haunts) shared with the comment “Intrusive thoughts won” has made me laugh no less than 65 times this week:
Sorry in advance for everyone’s new vocal stim, “Wants to be a cowgirl WHOOAAAAAAAA WATCH OUT FOR THAT SHEEP!”
WE’RE OKAY! WE’RE UP! WE’RE SMILIN’!!
This sheep is done for the day. Time to let the li’l guy go home to his nice bed of straw, gang. Damn, now I’ve watched it at least another 9 times since I put it in the newsletter. Okay I’m moving on. I’m not watching it again. (I’m watching it again.)
All right, that’s it from me this week! I’m off to get changed for dinner & a movie. Have a great weekend!
K
Never, and I mean NEVER, bet on Wisconsin basketball.
Or football for that matter.
I knew we were so close to leeches.