The Body of This is Absurd

Internet round-up for the week of September 19, 2022

Sep 23, 2022

Good morning, and happy Friday! It’s fall! And I’m pleased to report that it actually has felt like fall this week here in California! It’s currently 60 degrees, 9 AM, and way too early for the BeReal notification I got a little while ago. I’ll BeReal happy to take a photo once I get out of bed and do something with my hair, thanks.

Is that sort of ruining the point of BeReal? Sure. But who among us has not snapped a cool photo of the thing in front of us, only to realize that the selfie camera captured us with 32 extra chins? Those chins are private, like a burgeoning celebrity relationship. We like to keep something just for us. Just me and the chins.

Speaking of notifications — I just signed up for DuoLingo again (I have no idea when the last time I used it was, but I already had an account when I downloaded the app) to try to get a little bit familiar with French before going on a trip to Montreal next month with some friends (exciting!!). And I just got a notification that an ex-bandmate of my husband’s that I haven’t spoken to in about 7 years got a 200 day streak going. Uh, congrats, I guess, Scott? Why do apps do this??

ANYway, here’s the goods from this week:

Headline of the week

From Gizmodo:

Is there a good time to bite a nose? BYO joke about this guy turning into a cannibal because he’s desperate for real meat.

Let’s Talk About Sexts, Baby

The internet was set aflame this week when Instagram model Sumner Stroh released DMs between her and Adam Levine (Mr. Maroon 5, married, wife is pregnant, he apparently wanted to name the baby Sumner after his mistress, I once saw his torso tattoo placement referred to as a “Chipotle bag” and will never get over it) claiming they’d had a yearlong affair. All we have for proof is the messages, which he’s saying is all that happened, but my god, the messages.

caleb hearon @calebsaysthings

adam levine is incredibly strong because if my sexts got released i would walk into the ocean with cinder block shoes

I cannot get over them. Here’s a pile of my favorite memes about the cringiest conversation of all time:

pathetic man kisser @stiickerrs

tom wambsgans seeing his wife’s six foot seven silly cousin walk through the door

Heat (1994) 4K Enjoyer @firagawalkwthme

Me eating all the bread at The Last Supper

elizabeth clayton @elizardbethc

me paying 35$ for lukewarm taco bell delivered to my doorstep at a horrific hour

derek peth @PethDerek

biting into the first mozzarella stick

chunky fila @chunkyfila

pirates:

I’m Being Personally Attacked

Karen @AntsyButterfly

Get married so you can argue over who had a worse night sleep.

Every morning my husband gets a report on the number of times he stole all the blankets or snored or moved. It’s very important information.

maybe: clare @clur19

My biggest fear about becoming a mother is the fact that one day I’m going to have to admit to my daughter that I never learned how to french braid because my mom never knew either and now my daughter is stuck in a long line of French Braid-less women

Is it too late to learn? Maybe I can break the cycle.

fran @galacticidiots

My love language is forcing everyone to become obsessed with my current obsession so they suffer with me. I am the opposite of a gatekeeper. I am a gateway.

Very sorry to my friends that I got into Love Island UK.

jay ✰ @jayythewave

social media needs to stop recommending people i may know. i know them and i hate them

I’m looking at you, DuoLingo.

Niccole Thurman @niccolethurman

coming outside to get my “dinner for two” from the grubhub driver

There is truly nothing worse than getting that second set of plasticware from the restaurant. I know exactly how much food this is, thank you.

Shameless Self-Promotion Corner

I had a House of the Dragon-themed satire piece published this week in Slackjaw!

Slackjaw always takes my nerdiest work, and I love them for it. Here’s an excerpt:

So far I’m really liking House of the Dragon — it’s tough, I think, to be as connected to these characters as we were to the Game of Thrones folks after 8 seasons. (I’ve got the Fire & Blood book but haven’t started it yet.) I’m hanging with it, though, remembering those early GoT seasons where the big conversation was just “who is that again?” Definitely think it’s worth a watch if you’re on the fence, at least for Matt Smith and his fits.