The Mushrooms Can Have Our Trash

Internet round-up for the week of February 27, 2023

Good morning and happy Friday, friends!

Y’all. I got real work done on my book this week!! This is the most exciting thing to happen to me since the last time I worked on my book, and I…have no idea when that was. I’ve really been wanting to use this downtime (read: layoff-induced unemployment) to be productive on some of the larger projects I’ve had simmering for years, and I’m thrilled to report that:

For some inspiration, I decided to read the first few chapters of The Hunger Games (which is one of my novel’s comps) on Monday. And then I uh, accidentally, I guess, ended up reading the entire trilogy Monday/Tuesday. Whoops!

BUT — even with all the reading, I managed to completely revamp my first chapter (well, my prologue). It felt very weird to remove 2000 words from something and feel better about it, but here we are. I can’t wait to take my thinning shears to Chapter 1 next! ✄ Snip snip, bitch!

Otherwise I’m mostly just starting to get excited for spring, which, in California, should be here any time now (I guess whenever we stop getting a blizzard??? What even is weather anymore?). Not because I’m going to go outside or something, but I’d like to have the option.

I may not get out much but I know the seasons are changing because Hell’s Kitchen just ended and Next Level Chef came on. Soon enough, it’ll be Masterchef, and then Masterchef, Jr. The years go by so fast.

*Wistful stare into the distance*

Okay before I go into another existential crisis, here’s this week’s goodies:

Headline of The Week

Headline via Popculture.com.

Tom. Thomas. Stop it.

This man is having an extremely public midlife crisis.

Got divorced, quit his job, tried to take a thirst trap pic, now he’s trying stand up.

Is this because Eli Manning is so funny? Maybe he thinks there’s still a chance he can beat him at something. Tom: I’m sorry. You are not, nor will you ever be, Chad Powers.

Could be that he’s also worried he might not live up to Greg Olsen. (A valid concern.)

This man has seven Super Bowl rings. Why can’t he just disappear into oblivion like a good little athlete? Do some Talkspace Online commercials or something. Lord knows he needs therapy. Have you seen his diet?

Here’s hoping his ego is prepared for deflate gate.

Is This Normal, Or am I a Hypochondriac?

Okay so do you ever like…overdo it looking at screens?

I literally look at screens all day long (iPhone, computer, TV) except for the times when I’m staring mindlessly out the window watching people do u-turns (we live by a very weird intersection that people cannot figure out and so at least 7 cars a day drive through it and then do a u-turn outside our office).

I think my eyes are tired?? I think? They’re like, watering a lot, and feeling dry, and also one of my eyelids has been twitching for 3 days.

Does this happen to anyone else? What’s the fix for this? Sleep all day? Use voiceover on everything so I can still be online, but not look? Eyedrops? Please say it’s eyedrops, and they’re cheap and still work if I put them right in my tear duct because I can’t hold my eye open with a bottle of eyedrops suspended over it.

Really, I’m asking. How do we not look at screens all day when that’s where all the good stuff is?!

A Fungus Among Us

FIRST OF ALL.

I do not like to watch scary things, especially if those things could be real. I can make an exception for a great show, so we’ve been watching The Last of Us.

As an aside, we did try to play the game some years ago (I say “we” because my husband and I usually play story-driven games together — him at the helm with the controls, me on the computer next to him telling him what little bits and bobs are under staircases or hidden doors), but couldn’t get past the museum (YES the MUSEUM that was in the second episode of the show — we died in there like 85 times and decided to just go play Uncharted 4 again) so there is a lot of the show where I don’t already know the plot. Well, that is, until I went and looked it up online because I can have more fun when I know what spooky stuff or character deaths are upcoming. Anyway.

The show is scary but it’s not too scary, because it’s a fungus, right? We’re like, never talking about fungi. People eat mushrooms and stuff (not me because I can’t stand the texture (which is nothing like a hamburger so please stop trying to pass off portobellos as a replacement to vegetarians/vegans — I’m looking at you Shake Shack)) but they’re not like…a problem.

I’ve never been particularly bothered by fungi except when I visited India for work in 2014 and a mushroom grew out of a little seam in the hotel wall between my bedroom and bathroom overnight. I put a towel by it before I left for the day and when I came back it was gone, so either the cleaning staff got it or it fully grew legs and left and is now this guy:

Image credit: HBO. If I’d taken this myself you’d never see me again. Not because the bloater would get me, but because I’d have devised my own spaceship and moved to Mars before Elon Musk. I’d also be starting my own Twitter up there and he’s not allowed to join.

But somehow this week I’ve seen TWO DIFFERENT PIECES ABOUT FUNGI?! What is going on?! I do not want to hear about them or their doings!!!

This thread is uh…wild.

They eat radiation?? Like okay, thanks guys. I guess you can have Chernobyl, if you want it. BUT DON’T COME OUT OF THERE!! That’s where you live now. Nowhere else!!

And then:

Headline via BBC.

Whiskey fungus?? They eat ethanol??

I mean like, okay. First, they start eating our trash. That’s fine. The mushrooms can have our trash. We like that. BUT WHAT DO WE DO WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF GARBAGE TO EAT?!

We’re next, aren’t we.

Maybe this is the Baader Meinhof phenomenon. Maybe…they’re plotting with their weird connected fungus brain. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

Wholesome Fun

Speaking of overgrowth…

Midwest is Best

Chicago had local elections this week, and the mayoral race is headed into a runoff. WITHOUT LORI LIGHTFOOT. 🎉

There seems to be some confusion in the media about why people dislike her, and let me say this: it is that she purported to be a progressive, got elected, and then did exactly zero of the things she said she was going to do. Simple.

Good riddance. Please go look at this thread of weird pictures of her. It’s amazing.

Oh, and:

I…need this.

I also need like, a yard, and a way to actually get this to me that doesn’t cost a bazillion dollars. But…can you imagine?! This just chilling behind your house with plants all around?! You could even pretend to be the Transit Doctor at home!

Randomly Selected Animal Cutie

This video has gone incredibly viral this week, and I’ve seen it on three different platforms. But I liked it so much, I watched it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. So here it is, again:

@unknowndazzaThe Full Frod Story! It’s been a crazy journey from 0 to 60k people of Frodrick! Appreciate your ideas and support☺️ #Frodrick #startedfromthebottomnowwehere #FrodHouse

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FROD!! This is what technology is for. Right here. 3D printing homes for Frods and then putting it online for all to see. We don’t need robots. We don’t need AI. We need Frod.

That’s it from me this week! Have a great weekend and watch out for mushrooms!! (Or eat them, if that’s your thing, I guess! Show them who’s boss!!)

K