178 Days
Internet round-up for the week of January 27, 2025
Heya, pals! Look at us, we made it to another Friday.
My calendar is trying to convince me that it’s last day of January — which sounds great in theory — but considering this month has been approximately 178 days long, I’ll believe it when I see it.
It’s dark and rainy here in Chicago, and for once, I’m not mad about it. Partially because it feels incredibly cozy in a fleece next to my radiator, and partially because our car is getting a much needed bath on the street outside.
We only have street parking available at this apartment, and as it’s snowed the plow has come through, flinging dirt and grime from the street all over our car. Recently while we were out picking up groceries we decided to run it through a cheap car wash, but forgot how cold it was outside (I think it was around 2°F) and the car ended up mostly clean but also completely covered in ice afterwards which is so incredibly stupid and funny. Anyway two days later the car was filthy again, so I’m glad it’s getting cleaned, and for free this time.
This week has been pretty busy for me — mostly because I’m starting to get back into the groove of working on some personal projects and such again. I’ve been at BuzzFeed for like eight months and I still hadn’t even managed to mention that on my personal website. Whoops.
Updating your website is extremely annoying but also, as a creative, sort of necessary. I’m just about finished streamlining it and am already feeling much better, and hopefully I won’t have to touch it for another six months.
Because, you know, I’m on the internet, but it’s not like I’m on my website hanging out. I already know everything on there.
Anyway, let’s get in to the things I just learned from the internet this week:
Brands a-branding
A few weeks into the new year and it’s finally time for them to start back up!
Ahem. I’m…sorry?
Oh, right. Okay.
Yes, General Mills says in honor of “National Soup Month,” they’ve created a “convenient, on-the-go soup experience.” Could they not have just like, put it into a microwaveable applesauce pouch or something?? It’s giving chewing gum that’s a three course meal. Anyone feel like turning into Violet Beauregard this NSM (National Soup Month)?
While most folks flock to the cough drop aisle at the first sign of a cold, Progresso is here to say, “Hold my spoon!” Progresso Soup Drops deliver the classic, hearty flavor of Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup in a format that will definitely SOUPrise fans — it’s a convenient hard candy drop — reminding you of the comfort you can find in a bowl of Progresso Soup.
The real SOUPrise here is that they’re considering these “hard candy” drops in any way similar to something found on the “cough drop aisle.”
Do you wanna fuckin’ take this outside, Progresso??
That favorite flavor is packed into each drop — it’s like broth, savory veggies, chicken, soft egg noodles and a hint of parsley have all been stirred up in a surprising way that’s sure to wow your taste buds.
WHAT A CANDY. The distinct flavor of A HINT OF PARSLEY in a CANDY. I can’t imagine anything could “wow” my taste buds more than a hard lozenge made to taste like soft egg noodles. YUM.
UnSOUPrisingly they’re already sold out, because we Americans love insane Brands™. At $2.49 a pop I actually might have tried them. Maybe. But only so I could get updated information about throat lozenges being an entree onto Wikipedia.
Nostalgia Corner
Here’s one for my fellow millennials: The National Archives is looking for people who can read cursive to help transcribe historical documents for their Citizen Archivist program.
Apparently, being able to read (and write) cursive is a dying art, and wow if I wanted to feel this old I could’ve just tried to do a single jumping jack1 or something.
Honestly I think it’s pretty cool that they’re archiving all these old letters and first person accounts — paper doesn’t last forever, and being able to digitize these items actually makes them searchable on the world wide web (if, that is, you are using a functioning search engine). Plus, it’s a pretty meaningful way to volunteer your time and reminisce over how many times 2nd grade you put the wrong number of humps into a cursive n or m.
Wholesome Fun
I really loved this story out of the Washington Post (archive link) this week about this really sweet piano tuner who took it upon himself to fix up the piano in O’Hare airport.
I’ve walked past that thing many a time, and in fact, someone was sitting down playing Christmas songs at it when I was there last month. I had no idea it didn’t get any kind of regular care, and I thought it was really lovely that this guy took the time to ship his tools to the airport and schedule a layover so it could be cleaned up. 🥹
Shameless Self-Promotion Corner
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written any satire, and I was really excited to have a lightning strike of inspiration from my favorite damp billionaire last weekend.
My first satire piece of the year is called In Defense of Posting My Son’s Nighttime Erection Data Online, and the gals at the Belladonna were kind enough to publish it for me.
Can’t tell you how uncomfortable it was to be searching “erection” on a bunch of royalty free image sites, but here we are. Anyway, enjoy!
Randomly selected animal cutie
CAR MOUSE!!!
Look, in the interest of full transparency I’ll admit that suddenly seeing a mouse in my car would probably make me scream. BUT. This is objectively adorable, and I love him. Also I love these people leaving a note to warn the driver. Doing the lord’s work.
That’s it from me this week. I’m off to finish out my workday and finally finish updating my website. Also, this weekend I’m planning to try making cookie dough to freeze so I can have single serve cookies whenever I want. 😈 Send good vibes to my Kitchenaid. Have a good one!
K
Speaking of which, I’ve been watching so much Drag Race lately I’m starting to think I might be able to do a death drop, and am very concerned that I may get so confident in my abilities I end up trying it and put myself in the hospital. If you see me, could you please remind me that it’s a very bad idea?
This feels dystopian - like we'll all be eating our soup drops when the real soup runs out.
Soup drops sound terrible, but also— I just wanted English Teacher on Hulu and he DOES do a death drop and everyone thinks he is dead. You don't need to do a death drop! Leave it to the queens!