Creepy Robot Pill Eater

Internet round-up for the week of August 14, 2023

Oh hey, Friday!

This week has gone by SO fast — which I kind of expect the next couple of months to do as we pack up all our stuff and get ready to leave Mountain View, the only place where it costs like $50 to order a delivery pizza with one topping.

It also doesn’t hurt that I’ve spent…*checks Steam*…52 hours playing Baldur’s Gate 3 in the last 7 days? That is fine, and is actually very good and healthy for me personally.

Mostly I’m proud of myself for setting some limits around getting some actual writing work done, because unemployment means that every day could be Baldur’s Gate 3 day if you wanted it to be. And then every week, and then…

In case you forgot, I’m a huge geek. But, the game is also REALLY GOOD. PC Gamer rated it a 97/100. That’s an A+, baby.

I know, I know. What good is this newsletter if I just spend the entire time talking about playing Baldur’s Gate 3? I mean, it’s great for me and at least 2 readers of this newsletter, but for the rest of you, well...

ANYWAY.

I can’t bring myself to even discuss the Billionaire Boyz™ proposed “fight” this week — I’ve had enough of the online jousting. Here’s a great overview from Ed Zitron that covers the topic far more thoroughly than I’m even willing to consider.

Beyond that, here’s what I’ve got for ya this week:

Headline of The Week

The (Blood) Boys™ are back in town! I guess Bryan Johnson has hired a PR team for help with changing his public reputation to “sympathetic normal human male” instead of “creepy robot pill eater,” as he’s featured in the NY Post this week.

Wow. It must be really difficult to deal with being so incredibly wealthy and choosing to spend your days on a regimented schedule of pills, exercise, and laser treatments. Poor guy.

It’s giving TikTok girlie, Blue Man Group, and Lieutenant Data

Imagine your first date:

“In circumstances where I’ve tried to date, the first thing I do is give them a list of 10 things, like, ‘Here’s all the things you’re going to hate about me, and [all the things that are] going to make me an impossible partner for you.’ It’s a big deal.”

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Want to have dinner with Bryan? Well, it’s tough to schedule, at first, because he won’t leave his home if the air quality is too bad. Finally, you decide to meet for liquid aminos down the street from his house at 4:30 PM. (He can’t meet later in the evening because he has to go to bed at 8:30.)

One thing his potential dates can be sure of is that he isn’t trying to sleep with them — he prioritizes shut-eye over a night of snuggling.

“Wake events are very costly — once you get woken up, going back to sleep is very hard — so it’s just extremely challenging when you’ve got to coordinate with another human,” said Johnson, who also claims that he keeps track of how many erections he has throughout the night. 

He is…tracking his erections?? With what, a bone-o-meter?

Babe, your chub counter is going off again! Is that your pitched-tent tallier or are you just happy to see me?

He doesn’t really do “small talk” and would prefer not to talk at all during a several-hour time slot allotted for “concentrated thought,” he said. 

I guess that’s probably fine. I assume any potential partners would get really tired of listening to him talk about his treatments all damn day long. Because from what I’m gathering in every interview I’ve ever seen, this man LOVES to talk about his goddamn treatments.

Oh, and here’s another interesting little tidbit:

His former girlfriend, TV actress Taryn Southern, alleged in a lawsuit in 2021 that Johnson forced her to accept his philandering lifestyle and kicked her out of his house when she was diagnosed with cancer.

THERE’s the tea

I think I may have the perfect gal for you, BJ:

Ah well. Worth a shot. Honestly, though:

And, because I’m sure you want to see it — here’s the video featured in that quoted tweet:

@stevenThe man that's ageing backwards: "I was 45 now I'm 18" - Bryan Johnson. Have you watched yet?? 👀😳 #thediaryofaceo #bryanjohnson #stevenbartlett #ageingbackwards

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And it is, apparently, part of a larger one-hour interview that I am absolutely going to eventually uncomfortably sit all the way through because I am so confused and intrigued by the existence of this man. Why is he like this??

I don’t want to have to do a Deep Dive on this guy, but I think I’m gonna have to do Deep Dive on this guy.

Wholesome Fun

Every chiropractor on TikTok is absolutely like this, and oh my god why do human bodies make these disgusting sounds??

@lukewhitelukewhite“This ones gonna be a good one” #chiropracticadjustment #chiropractor #neckcrack #chiropractortiktok #viral #funny #backcrack #thisisforyou #demolition

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Sick.

This is the type of thing Bryan Johnson should be spending his money researching. Make me, as a human, just slightly gooier, and get rid of all my backaches. But do it in a way that does not cost millions of dollars. No, I don’t want to stretch! That requires me remembering to stretch. Just give me a capsule. ONE CAPSULE though, not 111.

And this one — well, this is basically what it’s like to leave a job after being in IT.

@avdbsingsStill slaps tho #duet @bleepbloopbeedleoop #acapella #acappella #harmonychallenge #onthisday

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If we had kept all the company equipment we’d had through the years, Damon and I could have a Scrooge McDuck-style vault to swim in.

Corporations: we aren’t making as much money as we want, we should lay some people off
Also corporations: yeah whatever just give them another computer that costs $2000

Good Reads

This piece really made me laugh this week — it perfectly captures the Chicago Bus Experience™.

via McSweeney’s

Randomly Selected Animal Cutie

@eboneeza80#highlandcattle #highlandcow #caldercows #tasmania

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HIGHLAND COOS!! (No that’s not a typo, it’s Scottish!) I love cows so much, and I love how happy these two are to get their pumpkin!! These particular cuties were even the feature of one of my first ever Reddit posts:

One of the first memes I ever made 🥺

That’s all from me this week! Hope you have a great weekend! I’ll try to go outside. Maybe.
K