Happy Friday, friends!!
It’s been a busy week over here!
Saturday I went over to my friend’s place to watch the river get dyed green, which was a blast. Here’s a pic I took that morning:
I’d never actually been downtown for the event — only seen the river either later that day or during the following week (it lasts about 7-10 days). Plus, my friend had a fantastic spread laid out in her apartment for the morning, so I got to eat a bunch of food and see the river, and then I made it back home before shit got too out of control. An absolute dream. Here’s me texting my hubby about my delicious breakfast:
This week, I’ve been fairly busy just doing some household organizing, for two reasons — one of which you’ll see in just a moment, and the other, well — I kind of feel like we got our apartment 95% unpacked, and then everything just kind of froze in place while we tried to find work.
I think, maybe, there was just a subconscious feeling of never being fully comfortable settling in to our place. Now that some of that stress has been relieved, we’ve been finishing things up — hanging artwork, organizing, and making a list of what we eventually need to finish decorating. Plus D starts his job in just over a week, so we’ve got a perfect deadline to work toward!
Also, his birthday was Wednesday! I made a regular boxed cake for him with a couple substitutions (milk for water, butter for oil, and added an egg — all tips I got from someone at the St. Pat’s party), and it turned out great.
Then last night, I blew (heh) through the entirety of Blown Away. I really don’t understand why the episodes are only a half hour?? Evil. Anyway it’s extremely cool and now I want to try to make glass art, like I do every time I finish one of these seasons.
One of my favorite things is the product placement throughout for Olympic color rods. Like, yes, I will keep these in mind when I one day make a purchase of color rods! Of course! And then they bring in these judges that the contestants are so in awe of, and I’m just sitting there waiting for the voiceover about their credentials.
But I still love watching this stuff because I’m constantly amazed at all of the niche worlds that exist out there that I have absolutely no insight into. Like, just how excited they get about Venetian glass, hearing them complaining that someone has “cane fever,” or seeing the resulting devastation when the annealer gets left open. If you love niche art competitions, this one’s for you.
And now, without further ado, onto the goods from this week:
Rat City, Bitch
So, the other reason we’ve been doing a lot of housework and organizing? We saw more mice in our apartment and had to pull a bunch of stuff out of closets so we could figure out where the hell they were coming from!!
I mentioned last week that they were in the building, and Wednesday morning at about 1 AM Damon woke me up because 2 of the little critters had gone into the humane traps we’d picked up and he knew I’d want to see them.
And because you read this newsletter, I know you want to see them too:
They were tiny! Much smaller than the one from last week’s newsy. Also very cute!!
Then that evening, two more went into two different traps!! (They were not the same mice, they were much tinier!) I finally got a good look at the Dorito thieves.
CRIMINALS!
We filled a couple holes we found with foam and then the maintenance guy came by and filled a few more. No mice in the traps for the last two days, so fingers crossed they will be moving out soon!
I ended up releasing all of our hostages near the end of the block in the alleyway, behind some dumpsters, in a pile of leaves. I wish them a long and healthy life in somebody else’s house so I can stop keeping my goddamn Doritos in the refrigerator.
Rich Boy Joy
Look, I know it probably seems like I have some kind of notification system set up for whenever Bryan Johnson has an article written about him, but I promise I do not!
I simply happen to have an innate sense for when weird male billionaires are doing their weird things. Not the superpower I would have chosen, but it’s the one I was born with. What can ya do?
Anyway, my favorite freak is back in the news this week.
Sigh.
Do you guys think this is because he’s tired of getting made fun of on the internet? I’m sorry, Bryan. It’s just…it’s the whole thing, where you’re spending all your money on weird medicines and tests and won’t stop telling us about how you electrocute your penis.
Okay, fine. Let’s hear about your plan.
Citizens would also likely need to follow a version of the grueling ‘Blueprint’ plan – with 5am wake ups, early morning hour-long work outs and a diet that never exceeds 2,250 calories.
Items such as pizza and donuts would also be made no-go products for residents.
Bryan added: ‘Anything I do that increases death I am label an act of violence.
‘So the act of eating pizza, donuts, Chick-fil-A and drinking is an act of violence in itself.’
Look. I’ll say it again. I’m happy to live forever. That sounds great.
BUT AT WHAT COST, BRYAN?
You’re going to prosecute me over a single Munchkin?? You’ll arrest me over a slice of Giordano’s? I’m supposed to go 200 years without a fucking enchilada???? Even 12 months enchilada-free would kill me faster than nature itself!
Bryan says the idea is in part a response to a ‘broken’ healthcare system, including in the US — where patients often have to pay thousands to access even basic treatments with many then saddled with crippling debt.
Bryan. I just — why is the solution here not to, I don’t know, fund grassroots campaigns or lobbyists that actually want to do something about this, and not make your own special nation for all the people that only like the same things you like?
Oh, that’s right. Eccentric billionaire™.
And now, a moment for this little ad that was on the side of the article:
This is what not eating ice cream does to you.
Bryan, I beseech you — take a break, have a slice of pumped up boxed cake, and stay up until midnight binging a reality show where people blow glass in a hot shop. I promise, it won’t kill you.
Wholesome Fun
I could not be happier that the California DMV Twitter Bot has re-emerged.
“I Googled him, he’s telling the truth.” DENIED.
Willy Wonky
The guy behind the disastrous AI Willy Wonka event did a little interview:
Ugh, sorry to hear that, sir. What do we think happened here?
Billy went on to describe the mishaps—including booking too large a venue and projection equipment that was never delivered—that led to the event's failure.
"I was gutted," he continued. "But I believed that we could push on."
You know, I think the projection equipment is probably what did it.
There’s no way it had anything to do with the obviously AI-generated script, right? Or the lack of treats for the children, forcing workers to ration out small cups of lemonade and 3 jellybeans per kid? And definitely not him going off on upset customers! No. It’s that the space was too big. But he pushed on! So brave.
But perhaps — maybe this time, having been so publicly shamed, he has learned his lesson.
"I was sick to the pit of my tummy," Billy admitted of the aftermath.
Well. That’ll teach him.
(For the record, this is not his first foray into AI-generated work.)
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
LOOK. AT. THIS. CAT.
His name is Bruce, and he is real. I have a basic knowledge of genetics, but I truly do not have any idea how this happened. What is his deal?? The running theory seems to be that he is a chimera?
I’m obsessed with him. And look how angry he is to be at the vet! He’s perfect in every possible way.
That’s all from me this week! I’m off to reorganize our office and finish working on a couple of satire pieces I need to turn in. Have a great weekend!
K
P.S. It’s been a wild month. Sorry to report I’ll be cramming two deep dives into your inbox next week, so you’ll definitely be sick of me before April begins.
Awarding you an honorary Pulitzer for your unflinching Bryan Johnson reportage!