Hot Hot Hubris

Internet round-up for the week of March 11, 2024

Hello, and happy Friday, friends!

I have TERRIFIC news: my husband has secured a job this week!!! He’s signed an offer letter, finished up his background check, and starts his new gig on April 1st! (It is real though, not a joke!) I could not be more excited or proud (or relieved). I remain on the hunt, but this absolutely takes a ton of pressure off of us.

It’s just really, really nice to feel somewhat human again after both of us being in the trenches for an extended period of time. It was incredible to finally get a big win — especially after how we were feeling last week!

We finished up Love is Blind (all the way through the reunion episode), and even with only one successful marriage, I’m still convinced this season is one of the best. Sarah-Ann dressed up for the finale like she was going to my senior prom in 2003 (hellO body glitter!), which is a fashion statement I never thought I’d see again. Big points to Clay for finally seeming like he’s got his shit together a bit, and for not actually having microwaved Gatorade. Chelsea (Fox) had feather wings on her dress to remind us that she is a flight attendant, and her teeth were looking particularly square. (My thoughts on her relationship with Jimmy could fill this whole newsletter, so I’ll just stick with that for now.)

Otherwise, things have been fairly eventful all week long (fortunately in a good way). Of course, I’ve still managed to scrape up some goodies for ya from the internet:

KateGate Update

Here’s a giant Twitter thread covering a lot of the week’s drama (and some of the best jokes on the topic) — but the royal family released a heavily altered photo of Kate (sans wedding ring) and the kids this week that KATE HERSELF apparently Photoshopped, a positive story was released about Lady Rose Hanbury (Prince William’s supposed mistress, the Marchioness of Cholmondeley — which I am being made to understand is pronounced “Chumley¹”), who apparently also may be a beard for her husband who spends half the year with his lover in France (??), plus another image of Kate & William in the car together was released that ALSO looks altered, and I can barely keep up with what’s going on over there and is she ACTUALLY JUST DEAD or what???

What’s that? It’s the Unknown!

Note to Kensington Palace: YOU KNOW YOU COULD JUST NOT RELEASE ANY PHOTOS, RIGHT? YOU COULD LITERALLY JUST IGNORE EVERYONE AND DO NOTHING. You’re making it worse (read: better)!!!

She’s supposed to be back on royal duties after Easter, which is two weeks away. Clock’s ticking.

Rat City, Bitch

I don’t have a news headline here because of an exciting development: It’s happening TO ME!! Yes, our apartment building has MICE!

You can’t call it an infestation if the infestors are cute

Our next door neighbors moved out on Tuesday morning, and I guess they might’ve stirred up these little stinkers. That afternoon we saw two mice in our apartment — one lil chubby guy on a jaunt across the kitchen floor, and one itty bitty boy inside the bread basket gnawing on our tortillas.

About the time we saw the second one, the apartment building²’s Discord server started going apeshit over tons of tenants seeing mice all over the place. Everyone emailed building management and they sent out an email saying “a mouse has been spotted” like it was literally just one mouse hanging out, running between all the apartments.

Anyway we had them come by and seal up any little holes in our apartment the mice could get through. They offered bait boxes with poison but I’m not a fucking murderer, okay? Even if the naughty little boys did chew into BOTH BAGS of my goddamn special Doritos and I’m still mad about it. One of the tenants here has already caught seven mice in humane traps (or one mouse that has its own teleporter).

From the building Discord server

I mean, come on. HE’S CUTE AS HELL. Enjoy your permanent (hopefully) vacation to some other building down the block, little buddy!

Rich Boy Joy

We’ve got a live one here, folks! Another billionaire boy that hasn’t learned anything from history and thinks having money makes him invincible. It’s HOT HOT HUBRIS, BABY!!

via NY Post

Great idea, Clivey!! This went really well the last time!

I mean, look. I get it. Who wouldn’t want this moment:

If I ever actually learn how to use Photoshop it’s over for you hoes. I do think I’m better than Kate Middleton, though.

To be fair, there’s probably less icebergs now because all the BEST billionaire boys have been doing the most on behalf of climate change. But you know…personally, I would not tempt fate. It’s giving IRL Torment Nexus.

Honestly, the saving grace of this whole ordeal is that apparently he’s been promising to do this for many years, and hasn’t managed to actually finish the boat. But he may be past his financial woes, based on this quote at the end of the article:

“I’ve got more money now,” he said. “It’s a lot more fun to do the Titanic than it is to sit at home and count my money.”

Sir. Sir, I —

No. You know what? Build the boat. Have fun. Don’t come crawling back to me in 100+ years when some dipshits try to ride down to see its wreckage in OceanGate 2.

Shameless Self-Promotion Corner

I had a very exciting Wednesday this week — I pitched timely headlines and got them accepted into both Hard Drive AND Hard Times! I churned out both of these pieces in a little less than three hours, and then they went up same-day. I’m super proud of them because I feel like I got to make more of a voice-y statement than I often do in some of my sillier pieces (particularly the closing paragraphs).

First up, for Hard Drive, “Boeing Reminds Passengers Planes Are All Still in Early Access” about the current Boeing plane debacle:

And then for Hard Times, “Uninsured American Hoping Doctor Duets Their Video of Weird Rash Before TikTok is Banned” regarding the privacy bill currently moving through Congress:

This is the first time that I think I’ve ever had two pieces published in one day, much less written two pieces in one day, so this felt pretty amazing.

Randomly Selected Animal Cutie

And speaking of Tiktok — If the US Government truly bans it, WHERE WILL I FIND ALL MY ADORABLE ANIMAL VIDEOS?! Where are all the rich lobbyists when you need them?

@elias_filmzTrying to make lunch with Bruce! Thanks for the idea @Kiki and Koko 🐾 | Beagles #cow #brucethecow #food #snack #first #animals #foodreview

Tiktok failed to load.

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This video has been heavily making the rounds this week but I couldn’t help but share it here, too. Once when we were at a cattle show my dad was eating a banana and one of my cows leaned over and took a bite right off the top, so this vid definitely hits home. Also I’m obsessed with watching the slices of bread just completely vaporize into her mouth. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: cows are literally gigantic dogs that have no idea how big they are. Love them forever.

That’s it from me this week! Tomorrow I’ll be heading downtown to my friend’s apartment to watch the Chicago River get dyed green for St. Patrick’s Day ☘️ Hope everyone has a great weekend!!
K

1. I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of English pronunciations until we can figure out what the hell is going on.

2. I live in a classic Chicago courtyard apartment building — I went to look for an example to share for anyone unfamiliar — and the first image here is, I am 99% sure, my ACTUAL apartment building.