Down to Clown For Eternity
Internet round-up for the week of May 29, 2023
Happy Friday! Hope y’all had a lovely long weekend — I actually totally forgot there was a holiday on Monday until Monday. I guess since I’m not working a job I loathe I wasn’t doing my usual “find the next holiday when you’re off work and then count all the workdays backwards until today and then put it in your little countdown app so you have a tiny thing to look forward to” maneuver. 😬
My apartment complex is once again replacing flooring in a nearby unit, so I’m writing to you from inside another root canal. I swear, I have never lived in a place that is doing more repairs or maintenance in my life. Every other week they’re replacing a floor, or the hot water heater has an issue, or the pool heater, or they need to clean the carpets, or blow out the dryer vents, or paint all the hallways. Like, thanks, I guess? But also, I’m trying to live here?
I’m slowly becoming convinced that this is like a weird front for something. Like someone in the front office is getting kickbacks from the maintenance crews. Or, you know, like how there’s too many Mattress Firms in close proximity to each other. 🧐 All I know is that it’s not normal!
To be fair, we pay them an exorbitant amount of money every month for this place, so I guess they do have lots of extraneous funds to use. Would be better if they just didn’t charge us so much, or maybe threw a residents-only pizza party or something (my ideal scenario here is that free pizza comes to my home and I do not have to speak to anyone).
This past weekend we went to the Bay Area Night Market in Alameda, which lured me in with its delicious looking Instagram ads. Shop-wise, it was fairly small, but oh my god there were like a zillion food vendors! And they had the coolest stuff. Just look at this giant thing:
That is a spiralized potato on a stick, deep-fried, covered in some kind of cheddar dust. Which, coincidentally, is my definition of heaven. It was SO. GOOD.
Also THREE of my favorite shows ENDED this week, for good!! (Barry, Succession, and Ted Lasso.) I’m still trying to put together my thoughts on all of it. Needless to say, I’m sad to see them go. But I’m also excited to see what new shows might fill the void (that is, if the studios decide to pay writers what they’re worth any time soon).
And now, onto the goods:
Headline of The Week
What in the Torment Nexus? This man has too much free time and cash.
Just look at him.
It’s giving Dawn, Day, and Dusk.
Bro please. If you’re gonna spend your billions on trying to live forever, can you figure out how to put our consciousness into robots? I’m down to clown for eternity, but I really need that to not be inside the aching, sinewy, transparent, wet-eyed body of a 240 year old woman. I want mechanical joints and a 4 billion terabyte memory. I want to never experience a headache again. I want to be able to do a slam dunk.
‘Cause the thing is, like…it is not working right now, dude! I can see that you are 45, with my regular, non-transfused eyes!! I mean — okay — if Mister Bryan Johnson still looks exactly like this at 75 and I have millions of dollars laying around maybe we’ll talk. Maybe.
Oh, one more fun tidbit from Jezebel:
Johnson also refers to his son as his “blood boy,” in case anyone wanted a fun character detail for their body horror film script.
WHY. WHY?!
I just…there are some weird fuckin’ humans out there, man.
But if I’m honest, I am never gonna stop wanting to read about them. Bring on the freaks.
Wholesome Fun
If you’ve ever lived somewhere where the temperatures get into the triple digits during the day, you know just how searingly hot the inside of a car can get.
Or maybe you’ve seen the sun shades for your windshield, accidentally melted off your fingerprints touching a metal seatbelt buckle, or heard the “I baked cookies on my dashboard during my workday” stories. But this is definitely the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this:
I cannot stop laughing at this or their follow up response that reads “He thought he was egg!!! He mad!!!!!” The tweet has even spawned artwork, like this:
The OP has plans to attempt to resurrect the duck by putting its melted magma into an ice cube tray, I guess? I…do not think it is going to work. I assume they’re going to have to heat him up again, but like…what about the beak?? Anyway I’m impatiently awaiting the duck revival followup, because it’s going to be ridiculous.
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie(s)
Today’s a two-fer!
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LOOK AT THIS VERY GOOD DOG.
Delivery from the market straight to your door. DogDash. GrubPup. Instabark. Amazon Pawrime.
And also, CROWS:
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CROWS APPARENTLY LOVE TO EAT EGGS!!
The cawing! The crow flying off with an entire chicken egg! It’s cinema!!
In another video, the homeowner offered them the krill their fish didn’t want and they just went to town stacking their entire beaks full. I wish I still had my crow friends from the apartment down the street!! 😭 But I know we’re going to end up moving and then I’ll feel bad (because I assume they will truly miss me and not just the snacks). So, sadly, I must watch them caw from afar.
That’s it from me this week! Hope you have a fantastic weekend. I’ll just be hangin’ out here trying to coerce Damon into taking me to the Pacifica Taco Bell.
K
Can you email me one of those spiraled cheddar potatoes please!!!! Try sending it as an attachment