Fake Meat Water

Internet round-up for the week of January 12, 2026

Well, well, well. It’s Friday again. Who would’ve guessed?

It’s overcast and cold and snowy in Chicago today, and it’s taking every ounce of my power just to keep my eyes open. This is Extreme Nap Weather™, and personally, I believe everyone should be allowed to partake when it’s like this outside.

I’ve been quite busy this week — but for once, not just with work! Even in this foul weather I managed to leave my house on three (3) separate occasions to go out and see friends! I’m like a regular extrovert over here, huh??

In particular, it’s been a long time since I’ve been out to see Art™, and this week I accompanied some pals to do just that. On Wednesday, I saw Helen Money and Susan Voelz play some very cool and funky music on stringed instruments, and Thursday, I went to see A Fitness Carol (highly recommend if you’re in Chicago)!

It was an absolute blast! While it’s true that Everything’s Computer, it is very nice to get out into the world and see real life buddies and hang out and look at things that are not causing me constant psychic damage, sometimes.

That also means I’ve got a big pile of TV stocked up to watch tonight. I can’t wait to catch up on Traitors¹ and Fallout and The Pitt, though if I never have to see Michael Rapaport eat food again it’ll be too soon.

WE CAN SEE YOU, YOU KNOW. WE CAN ALL SEE YOU.

You’re on TV, man! My god.

Anyhoo — let’s get in to the goods I’ve got for ya this week:

Brands a-branding

via Beyond Meat

I mean. Who among us isn’t creating some type of Beverage Concept™ these days?

And who among us hasn’t built their entire business around plant-based meat substitutes before branching out into something only VERY tangentially related?

My first question here: are these, like, thick?

Because the concept of protein in a water-based drink is beyond my comprehension. I truly cannot fathom a protein drink that isn’t giving full on Muscle Milk vibes (even if said muscles and milks are from plants).

Oh, uh — after some light research, it seems like they told ABC, “Beyond Immerse isn’t a smoothie or a meal replacement. It has a lighter consistency and is ideal as a post-workout drink.”

I am now somehow even more confused than I was to begin with. A “lighter consistency”? Than what?? A regular smoothie? Muscle Milk? Wet concrete? I cannot wrap my head around this. Help.

Secondly: what’s the differentiation between the ones with 10g of protein and the ones with 20g? Are the 20g thicker? Why wouldn’t you just make them all the same?? Are people managing their protein drink intake to the point that they might only be able to tolerate 10g of additional protein without intestinal consequences?

And get this, if you want to try them, you have to buy twelve. I guess because they’re not in stores yet, the only way you can try them is ordering them from Beyond Meat’s “Test Kitchen,” which I’ll be honest, is not a name that inspires much confidence.

Anyway.

I did it. I bought the fake meat water.

I got the 10g protein orange/tangerine. I will report back on the flavor and consistency after their arrival in 5-8 business days.

I’m gonna be straight up: my biggest concern here, like my visit to CosMc’s, is less about finding the drinks disgusting and more about really enjoying them only 12 times before they’re instantly discontinued.

And speaking of drinks, Pabst Blue Ribbon announced they’re bringing back their 99-pack of cans in honor of Godzilla:

via Brewpublic

And just like Godzilla, there’s absolutely no fucking way this is going to fit into your car. How does one get this thing home? How does one even refrigerate 99 beers at once? This is too large and should not be allowed to exist.

(Obviously, I did not buy this, because a) it would take me approximately 3 years to finish 99 beers and b) I foresee screaming “PIVOT!!” at my husband while simply trying to get this thing up the three flights of stairs to our apartment.)

Billionaire boys

I swear, every week I finish writing my newsletter, hit “Publish,” and then almost immediately discover Bryan is at it again.

You’ll recall, I’m sure, a couple of weeks ago, when BJ wrote that cringey romance-novel-esque post about his girlfriend Kate coming back from vacation.

Well, um, he uh…he did another one. And it’s somehow…worse.

Here’s the tweet, including their picture, not expanded, because it’s like a billion words long, of course:

via Twitter

Yeah, he straight up tagged Kate in this, and I guess she’s just…fine with it. Because that’s cool, I guess. For your man to be out here, writing softcore anti-aging porn about the two of you. Totally normal.

And yeah, let’s grab a selfie to go along with it. Along with, you know. Stuff like this:

I want to look away, but alas. I cannot.

via Twitter

Randomly selected animal cutie

A little guy who knows the meaning of “speak softly, and carry a big stick”:

@bigstickgooseGot pretty rizzed up today 😎 #dachshund #nyc #carhartt #funny #puppy

Tiktok failed to load.

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I love this tiny dachshund with what I can only assume is a VERY LARGE ego.

That’s it from me this week! I’m off to grab some dinner and plop down in front of the TV for a few hours before falling asleep to people making pottery at an unreasonably early hour. Have a great weekend!
K

1. I NEED Rob R to win this thing, bad.