For Science
Internet round-up for the week of November 6, 2023
WELL WELL WELL. Look who knows it’s Friday today! (It’s me!)
This week has flown by! I honestly have no idea what I did all week other than play Baldur’s Gate 3 with Damon, catch up on all my shows, and 15 loads of laundry. (Honestly it was probably only 5, but 5 loads of laundry feels like 15 when you have to fold it.)
We’re planning to head down to Texas next week to visit family (it’s my grandpa’s birthday!) and I wanted to get all our clothes clean so I can pack 30 pairs of underwear for a week-long trip.
Actually! I did make a meal in the instant pot and started making my own Arnold Palmers at home, so that’s pretty exciting. Really, more than anything, getting all the landlord jazz over and done with has made it feel a little less like the apartment walls are closing in on us.
Speaking of which, I found two landlord-related items this week that are extremely relevant:
I’m honestly obsessed with this. It’s a work of art.
Why remove something from the wall and patch the hole when you could create this?
Landlord, 2023
Enamel wall paint on Alarm Panel
Also — definitely read McKayley Gourley’s “Reasons Your Landlord is Keeping Your Security Deposit” piece in McSweeney’s for genius lines like this:
He wanted to keep the money for himself. What? Why is that so bad to say?
He walked through the place after you left, and there was no dishwasher. There never was one, but he wants to buy one now. You understand, right?
I’ve been trying a new thing this week where I spend less time *multitasking* — not multitasking in a good way, but in a bad way, where I have my computer on my lap and my phone in my hand and am also watching TV — and it’s actually been really nice.
This has meant I’ve been on my phone a little less, but of course I have corralled important things from the world wide web. OF COURSE. Who would I be without internet? (Do not even attempt to answer that, I don’t want to know.) So without further ado:
Rich Boy News
Take a wild guess at who’s back in the headlines this week!
Hang on, I’ll give you some hints:
1 billion pills. Weird, damp relationship with his son and father. Nude photos in his weight room. Teams of doctors in his house zapping his body with lasers every afternoon. Sells his own olive oil. Twitter reply guy. Glassy skin. Cold shoulder cutouts.
Still nothing? Hm.
I —
Bryan, please. PLEASE.
You don’t have to do this, you know. Not the penis shocking, just the telling us about it. It’s totally fine if you don’t shock your penis, or if you do and just keep it to yourself.
According to the biohacker - whose goal is the have the nighttime erection duration of an 18-year-old - the data is 'really important' because it represents overall health.
BRYAN.
'So there's this technology: you have a wand and you sit in a chair and then the technician uses the wand and basically shocks your penis through the acoustic technology,' the entrepreneur said.
So uh … you … and a … technician … are just hanging out … and they have a remote control that shocks your penis … for science …
Y’all remember how he was saying he couldn’t find a girlfriend? There is a non-zero chance it’s because he thinks it’s very important to de-age his penis.
Also, can I just note — the first ever article I shared about him said he was a billionaire, and this one says he’s a millionaire. How much of your dragon’s hoard have you spent on shocking your penis, sir??
Leave something to the imagination, my god.
El*n M*sk
Continuing our rich boy theme, except this rich boy has his own section.
What if they like, didn’t do this, instead? That would be cool.
Look, I’m not against technology!! As I have said before, I am extremely down with cool things! Make me live forever! Put my consciousness into a robot! But this guy??
Bryan Johnson may be the biggest freak known to mankind for the next 8 decades but at least I don’t think taking his pill regimen or drinking his olive oil1 would MAKE ME DEAD.
Like literally less than 2 months ago Wired dropped an investigative piece about the death of monkeys in Neuralink’s trials. (Also maybe don’t read this unless you want to feel very sad for monkeys!) So, are they looking for a human subject that is “close to death,” and is that impending death being implanted with a Neuralink chip?
Can you imagine?? We can turn off brain ads for $8/mo. Oops! The Neuralink exploded on the launchpad (brain). How come heads keep catching on fire?
I’d rather get the fucking Ionic Ear implant.
Midwest is…Best?
I said I missed winter, didn’t I. Sigh.
Me on January 28th:
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
The Cincinnati Zoo has a new baby porcupine, and she has zoomies!!
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I want to cuddle her but I know I will get poked and end up looking like Chance from Homeward Bound. Which, while it’s a great film — I’m still not ready to talk about the suspense waiting for Shadow to come over the hill. It’s too much!!
That’s it for me this week! I’m off to finish my lunch and pack up my stuff before we head down to Texas (and of course miss an entire forecasted week of sun in Chicago). Have a great weekend!
K
I’ve never typed a worse phrase in my life than “drinking his olive oil.” I’m so sorry.
I started crying when you even MENTIONED the suspense about Shadow coming over this hill. That movie ruined me on a daily basis in the summer of 1995 when I watched it every day.
Lol the Bryan Johnson ~news~ came up in my feed and I was immediately like WHAT WILL KELLEY HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS