I'll Be Staying On Land, Thanks

Internet round-up for the week of June 19, 2023

Wow. Such a quiet news week this week.

HA HA HA JUST KIDDING!!! I’m assuming everyone on the PLANET has heard about the missing submersible that imploded on its way down to the Titanic on Sunday by now.

Every one of my group messages on Whatsapp, iMessage, Discord and Slack has been going fucking HAM this week over this goddamn sub. It very quickly became impossible to remember what details each group already had, figure out which memes were best served in which chat, and who was caught up on what. I’m tired now.

But it’s mostly because I couldn’t stay asleep this week, as about every two hours I would wake up in a cold sweat imagining what it might be like to be trapped inside of a tiny tin can, slowly running out of air, with 4 people I barely know, locked in from the outside, sitting thousands of feet underwater, with no escape. Pleasant.

I’m not an ocean person to begin with — happy to see it from the beach, perhaps wade in up to my knees — so this whole scenario has just been nauseating. The ocean is TERRIFYING. Creatures. Plants. Darkness. Enough already!!

We’ve done it all

I, as a person, am not interested in exploring the ocean. Send your little unmanned probes down there or whatever, that’s fine. Learn about habitats. Tell us more about the planet and how it works. Do not show me this:

Fucking goatee-ass lure?? Babe it’s 2023 not 2003

What IS THIS?! Why, in the history of the Earth, does this creature need to exist? And why do I need to know about it?? Jesus H. Christ. Does anyone have one of those brain wipers from Men in Black?

And THIS??

I’m sure you’re a really nice guy, but absolutely not

I’m going to throw up. WHAT ARE THEY DOING DOWN THERE?? EATING?? LIVING?? GOING TO THEIR FRIENDS’ ART SHOWS? No. Don’t tell me. I don’t need to know what they’re up to. Because if they’re down there, working together to develop suits, so they can come onto the land for research and tourist adventures and spectate — No. They can stay in their part of the world, and I’ll stay in mine.

I’ll be staying on land, thanks. Up here where there’s great books to read, and I can watch Silo. And eat cheese. Sorry you’ll never taste cheese, Anglerfish. Lord knows you’ve got the fucking chompers for it.

One OTHER relevant note:

Inventors really not even THINKING these days

SO YEAH. I did see some stuff online this week, though I’m gonna be honest — my week on the web was heavily tainted with sub news. I’ve tried to sprinkle some other stuff in throughout. Y’know, mix it up. Here ya go:

Headline(s) of the Week

via Daily Mail

What in the Mad Libs¹?

‘(Exclamation)!’ Man whose (relative) is on (noun) asks (occupation) to (verb) on him (amount of time) after pleading for (noun) as he triggers war of (noun) with (musician) over (another musician) concert

When I first saw the detail about him going to the Blink-182 concert and tweeting at all the band members, for some reason, I thought he was like 13? BUT HE’S 37?! And has also been arrested for armed robbery and online stalking?? Everything I have learned about this man this week has been against my will. Sorry about your stepdad, bro.

And just when I thought things were settling down after they announced the sub had imploded, this popped up:

via NY Times (gifted link)

I —

Look. I know this isn’t ever going to happen. Or maybe it will! Right after Zuck brings Legs™ to the Metaverse and Elon starts colonizing Mars.

But honestly? I deserve this. We all do. We should get to watch this in primetime, and we should all get the day off for it, and we can make little fight themed finger-foods like “Zucks in a Blanket” and “JalapElon Poppers” and “Chips and Dip(shits)”. We can cheer for both of them and neither of them. And then we can etch the story onto a tiny CD and send it into space so that alien anthropologists can make an attempt to determine just what the actual fuck is going on on Earth.

What are we doing here? What even is life anymore, really?

Good Reads

Honestly, I’ve learned more this week about the deep sea than maybe ever, in my life?

I spent a good couple of hours reading about the Mariana Trench, James Cameron, and the Trieste on Wikipedia. But I think my favorite thing of all is this informational scrolling site:

It’s amazingly cool, if not completely nauseating (I mean, again, it’s the fucking OCEAN we’re talking about here).

And one land-based article this week I really enjoyed:

via Slate

The folks interviewed here are older than me, but I can definitely relate to and remember some of this. I hate having to have nostalgia for a time when we could leave work at work — at least my first few jobs still functioned that way, up until about 10ish years ago when I regrettably installed Slack on my phone.

I love being able to contact people more easily now, and have access to the world’s knowledge at our fingertips — but I also miss just like, sitting, quietly? Even now I find myself reaching for my phone during commercials on Hulu. But I’m not going to like go into the woods or something just for a break. There’s no toilets out there.

Wholesome Fun

Literally me watching Love Island UK for the last couple of weeks. I really try to make it without the subtitles, but inevitably one guy will come on with a completely unintelligible accent and mumble his way through 15 conversations until I finally get annoyed enough to turn on the captions so I can see what the girl he’s talking to is giggling about.

It’s never anything funny, by the way, usually something like “Don’t look at me like that!” or “Let’s keep getting to know each other.”

So far this season is a complete train wreck, so it’s perfect and I love it.

Randomly Selected Animal Cutie

@debs191307No food involved! #urbanfox,#urbanwildlife,#wildanimals,#wildlife,#bekind,#foxes,#tamefox,#handfedfox,#Biscuit,#biscuitthefox,#viralfox,#happyfox,#feedthewild,#mrfox,#latenightfeed,#cookie,#basil,#cookiethefox,#basilthefox,#fox,#cute,#cuteness,#fyp,#chip,#chipthefox,debsthecrazyfoxlady,#debs,#chipchip,#cutefox,

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LOOK AT HER LITTLE FANGS. I want a little fox buddy like this that I can pet!! She looks so soft!!

All right. That’s it from me for this week! Have a great weekend and — I cannot stress this enough — DO NOT GO INTO THE OCEAN. Even if you want to. Just for this week. Give it a rest. I can’t take any more.
K

1. Are they still making Mad Libs? Is anyone playing these on car trips anymore? WAIT. I bet it’s an app now, isn’t it. *Googles* Yep, it sure is. Wild.