Man Mouth
Internet round-up for the week of March 2, 2026
Hey hey, my friends! Happy Friday to you and yours.
It’s a very grayish-yellow day here in Chicago — rain on the horizon — but the high for the day is 69° (nice), so I really can’t be too terribly mad about it. Our apartment is pretty bright (we’re on the 3rd floor), so we usually don’t have to turn any of the lights on until sunset, but it’s so dark out I’ve already got them on this morning.
It will come as no surprise that I’ve been a busy busy bee this week, and I’m seriously looking forward to the weekend. For the first time in a hot minute I have no plans that require me to leave the house, and I’m thrilled to wear sweatpants and sleep as much as physically possible.
The internet has felt relatively quiet this week, all things considered — so I’ve got a bit of a shorty here for ya! Without further ado — let’s get on in to the goods:
Brands a-branding
Pardon?
Oh. Um.
The…paste.
It’s…brown?
You guys…you’re seeing this, right? It’s a brown paste? And you’re just. Putting it on your toothbrush. And then. Brushing your teeth with it?
Okay.
Does it…at least…taste like candy??
The limited-edition drop captures that unmistakable chocolate-and-peanut-butter flavor profile and somehow translates it into a sugar-free Fluoride+ formula with a cooling finish.
Cooling?
Look. I get it. Maybe you’re not into peppermint or something.
But if you really, really need another flavor, get Kids Crest or something. You can’t be using poopaste. I don’t care how cooling it is. No.
Sorry, wait. It’s only available in Australia and New Zealand. Let me rephrase.
Naur.
CEO Wars
In case you missed it, the McDonald’s CEO recently went viral for a kind of awkward taste-test video of a Big Arch burger, in which he referred to the burger itself as a “product” and took an anemic bite of it on camera.
Well, this week has seen the rise of basically every other fast food CEO trying to prove that they have the largest Man Mouth™ and can take the biggest, messiest, and most hearty-looking bite of their company’s food possible. Here’s Burger King’s, Wendy’s, A&W’s (is now a good time to remind people your business serves something called a “teen burger”???), and P. Terry’s CEOs going to town, along with a couple of posts that tickled my fancy:
For a CEO’s pay, I suppose I would be willing to go on social media, unhinge my serpentine jaw, and crank my neck veins while biting into an overpriced food item.
Ultimately I kinda wish they’d just record themselves sipping water out of their palms from the sink until they feel like they’re about to throw up. The CEO who can tolerate the most sips gets to serve me lunch tomorrow. Go!
Randomly selected animal cutie
Man, what I wouldn’t give to have a pack of raccoons that live nearby:
Also though he’s gotta cut these things in half. Some of the babies aren’t getting a dog!! YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE GETS A TREAT!!
To his credit, though, he’s feeding them at their house, not at his, which is how you end up with 100 raccoons on your porch and have to call 911 on them (note: you do not have to call 911 — you can choose to succumb to your new raccoon overlords instead).
That’s it from me this week! I’m off to zone out in front of the TV for a few hours (gotta finish Love is Blind and The Pitt!) while it rains1. Have a great weekend!
K
The weather is so bad my internet is going out, and if it precludes me from being a couch slug I’m going to be furious.
I am glad you explained that McDonald's thing to me because I saw a lot of "I want to see the CEO of X doing X jokes" on Threads but was not sure of the origin. So thanks for this important information!
My favorite man mouth is Guy Fieri. That sumbitch can unlock his jowls like nobody’s business!