Hey hey hey, gang! Happy Friday!
This week feels like it’s absolutely flown by. Is that because I am back in the never-ending cycle of a full-time job? Perhaps. Is it also because someone is perpetrating a DDoS attack solely on the time calculation portion of my brain? Unlikely, but who knows?
Things feel incredibly busy, but I could not be happier to be out of weird no-job-no-money limbo. Plus, I get to spend the majority of my time perusing the internet for content (amazing)! This week I’m also slowly learning how to work again without having 10 hours of sports on in the background every day. I’ve never watched the Paralympics before, but I’m really interested in checking those out this time around. It’ll be nice to have Olympics round 2 in a couple of weeks.
One kind of interesting thing about my new gig is really seeing how fast topics move and shift on the internet. Obviously y’all know I am Online™, but it’s kind of wild just how much there is to write a full explainer article on or round up memes about every single day. For example, two independent topics that arose in just one week’s time:
Big ups to Raygun the Aussie breakdancer and the cursed carousel horse from the promotional photo of We Live in Time; catch ya in random memes for the next 10 years. Sorry y’all didn’t make the cut for full TMI coverage, but I barely have a spot to include this TikTok of Rod Blagojevich singing “Don’t Be Cruel” at the Taste of Elmwood Park or this Kirkland brand Rat Hole. 🤷🏼♀️
Anyway, I digress. Let’s get on in to what I’ve got for ya this week:
Writers, what’s wrong with us?
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more seen.
Brands A-brandin’
Friends, the brands are completely out of control this week. Did they have some kind of giant meeting earlier this year where they agreed to all dump their insane collabs at the end of summer?? Signs point to yes.
Please let me know which, if any of these, you’re inclined to eat:
Cinnabon x WARHEADS
Cinnabon x WARHEADS Topped Bons will be available in three bold and fruity flavors, Blue Raspberry, Green Apple and Watermelon. These Topped Bons sprinkle WARHEADS Sour Popping Candy onto Cinnabon’s smooth, creamy and iconic cinnamon rolls for a perfectly balanced sweet & sour flavor explosion unlike any other. For flavor explorers looking for a way to cool off from the summer heat, the collaboration also features a limited time, sour yet refreshing WARHEADS® Chillatta.
Babe, there’s nothing “Chillatta” about Warheads. Sorry, WARHEADS. Even their brand name is in all caps, screaming a warning that your tongue is going to sting for a week if you have more than 3 of their candies in a sitting.
Like, just take a moment — think about the last time you had a Cinnabon (for me it was at the airport on my way home from Kansas City/AWP — turns out you can actually just buy a cup of cinnamon roll bits covered in icing, and it was fantastic). Gooey. Sweet. Warm. Icing that’s made of some kind of addictive liquid polymer.
Now think about eating a WARHEAD.
“These Topped Bons” are not it, my friend. There’s something very suspicious going on here. I don’t like it.
OREO x Coke Zero
The OREO® Coca‑Cola™ Sandwich Cookie features two signature chocolate basecakes paired with a Coca‑Cola taste, embossed with Coca‑Cola designs, with a smooth white-colored creme and studded with red edible glitter. Coca‑Cola® OREO™ Zero Sugar features a refreshing Coca‑Cola taste with flavorful, OREO cookie-inspired hints.
“Signature chocolate ‘basecakes1’” with red glitter? “OREO cookie-inspired hints” in a Coke Zero? Every single element in the description of this collab sounds like a pointed attack on my bowels. OREOs already turn your poop black. Now we need a drink to terrify us first thing in the morning until we remember we had one with dinner, too? I think not.
And I cannot get over the “Besties Forever A Limited Time” line on the ad. I really need this on a friendship bracelet.
I’m also just now noticing that their brand name is in all caps, too. Okay OREO! We see you! Calm down.
Oh, and — OREO, while we’re here — I came up with a better name for the Mega Stuf2, since it’s got 4x the stuffing of a regular OREO. It is: “Eufoureo.” Or an alternative spelling: “EuphOREO.” Get it? That’s a freebie, OREO. On me. But keep in mind: you only get one. Anything after this requires a lifetime supply of Double Stuf.
Liquid Death x Van Leeuwen
The first ever flavored sparkling water that tastes just like chugging a hot fudge sundae, from Liquid Death x Van Leeuwen Ice Cream. Very limited edition flavor.
Sorry, but who chugs a hot fudge sundae?
I mean, look. I’m not a sparkling water person (don’t @ me).
I don’t even like LaCroix — I am absolutely not the target audience here. But…I’m kind of wondering if there even is one? Maybe not, considering they’ve called it a “very” limited edition flavor.
Imagine you’re hot, sweaty, looking for a refreshing drink to cool down. You bypass the WARHEADS Chillatta because, well, it’s a WARHEADS Chillatta. Then, you grab what looks like a can of water, start gulping it down, and it tastes like ice cream.
It’s either that or this is intended to be a self-flagellating calorie-free dessert. No thank you.
Dr Pepper X Krispy Kreme
Literally while I was in the middle of working on this I stopped to scroll Twitter (please feign surprise) and saw this:
Which honestly just confirms that this is, officially, the week for brand madness.
Dexerto got information off a leaked Instagram post that says:
The new Dr Pepper x Krispy Kreme collab lineup will include:
Kreme-filled football: This is an unglazed donut filled with white creme and dipped in chocolate icing. It’s decorated with white piping to look like a football.
Buttercream goals: An original glazed donut with green icing, rainbow sprinkles, and a yellow buttercream goalpost.
Dr Pepper Kickoff: An original glazed donut topped with Dr Pepper cream, red and white sprinkles, and a chocolate Dr Pepper logo.
And you know what? This is the only one of these collabs I’m not completely perplexed by. Dr Pepper seems like a totally reasonable thing to make a donut glaze out of. I’d be all over this if I actually liked Krispy Kreme donuts (again, don’t @ me).
Honorable Mention: Disney x Insane Legal Defense
Disney’s new collab is apparently with a legal defense team that thinks they should be allowed to force arbitration after someone died from eating allergen-ridden food at Disney Springs because they subscribed to Disney+.
The streaming service.
Bob Iger, this is wannabe billionaire boy behavior!!
Billionaire boys: rare W
Speaking of billionaire boys, Mark Zuckerberg has continued his glow-up/existence apology tour by showing off this gigantic statue he had commissioned of his wife, Priscilla Chan.
According to The Guardian:
In a photo of the statue, posted to Instagram, the Facebook CEO and co-founder said he was “bringing back the Roman tradition of making sculptures of your wife”.
Hmm.
I now dislike him one unit of dislike less.
Shameless self-promotion corner
This week I had a piece go up on BuzzFeed about one of the US Olympians getting free healthcare in the Olympic Village, which I’m really proud of. Otherwise, I’m churning out a couple of pieces a week, though they’re mostly internet roundups at the moment. If you’re interested in checking ‘em out, you can look at my author page here.
Perhaps more importantly: the tuna saga continues. My tuna taste test went up on the Tasty Instagram page and the commenters are going wild again. I truly cannot believe how up in arms everyone is over TUNA POTATOES. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Randomly selected animal cutie
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Utterly obsessed with Lulu and her couch dent. Kinda feel like they need to meet up with the gal who made her cat its own living room from last week and get Lulu set up.
That’s it from me this week! I’m off to spend my weekend being demure and mindful while finishing up a giant list piece I should’ve had done months ago. 😬 Have a good one!
K
What the fuck is a basecake? That’s a cookie, Nabisco. I am prepared to go to war over this.
One F? Rally the troops. We ride (to Mondelez International) at dawn.
Would absolutely try the Dr. Pepper/Krispy Kreme (though I'm morally opposed to their purposeful misspelling). All the other collabs felt like pranks.
And I loved your buzzfeed article this week!