Plunger Heimlich
Internet round-up for the week of August 10, 2026
Heads up: Substack is telling me this post is too long for email. I refuse to make cuts because that’s what self-editing is all about. You may need to come to the site, app, or click “view entire message” to see everything.
Hello, and happy Friday, my friends!
It’s gray and overcast here in Chicago — we’ve been having an exceptionally rainy week (and if the Weather app is to be believed, we’re in for another one next week, as well). It’s been odd, though — the stormiest parts of the day only seem to last for a short time, and then the sun pops out and it feels like there was never a second of rain.
This worked out great for us on Tuesday night when we went down to Rate Field for the White Sox’s Pope Night event. The weather ended up being absolutely fantastic, and it was a truly gorgeous night for a ball game (even from the outfield).
Of course, the main reason we attended was to obtain the “Pope Hat” giveaway. Since we purchased tickets before they decided to give the hats to everyone, we actually got Pope jerseys, too (I do love a novelty item):
This was our first time seeing a Sox game, and it was super fun! Admittedly, the easy walk home from Wrigley is preferable to the ~40 min train ride it takes to get down south, but they still had really fabulous food in the stadium and overall good vibes.
Otherwise, this week has been busy but good. The majority of my time has been spent writing (both for work and for play, which is, technically, also kind of work), watching Big Brother, catching up on Major League Balatro matches, and of course, being Online™. All the important stuff, really.
So, without further ado, let’s dive on in to the goods I’ve got for ya this week:
Headline of the week
Thanks to astute TMI’er Michael for sending this article my way:
Oh boy.
Fine, I guess I might as well hear what’s going on down there. Let me have it:
Several barrels were in an advanced state of deterioration. Researchers saw badly corroded containers and documented material that had escaped from some of them onto the surrounding mud.
That wasn’t all. Life had moved in, too.
Anemones, sponges, crabs, and other organisms were growing on or near the containers. In a strange way, pieces of industrial waste have become hard little islands on an otherwise soft seabed.
Apparently all the nuclear waste is from us (not ME, obviously — other humans) just dumping radioactive trash into the ocean ON PURPOSE with the expectation that it would, yes would, eventually start to leach out of its containers at some point in the future.
GREAT!
I’ve got a quick question, though, people from past decades: Did any of you take a moment to consider what radiation is going to do to this????
No, of course not. We’re too busy looking for a hidey hole for “200,000 barrels” of garbage and not even considering what Teenage Mutant Abyssal Creatures we’re creating down there. Y’all realize not every ooze’d organism is a weapon-wielding ninja crime fighter, right? For every Donatello, there’s at least one Bebop. Is this the world we want to create???
(OBVIOUSLY NOT ME!!!!! Scientists???? What do you have to say for yourselves?!?)
My long-held belief that these light-free trench goblins will eventually make their way to the surface only grows more terrifying by the day.
Brands a-branding
I kind of thought Dude Wipes had cornered the market on “malevolent wipes we tell people are flushable but will definitely result in them having to call a plumber,” but it turns out there’s actually another brand out there called goodwipes, and they’re just as evil.
Check out their fall/Halloween collab with Liquid Death, “sCREAM SODA”:
Yes, that’s right. goodwipes wants you to “Quench your bum” with what Walmart1 describes as “vanilla-scented [wipes] with notes of sandalwood & musk and infused with real Liquid Death mountain water - the exclusive goodwipes x Liquid Death drop your bathroom has been screaming for.”
I think there may have been a misunderstanding: My bathroom is screaming because my toilet is choking to death on a wad of water-scented ass-napkins the plunger Heimlich has no power to disperse.
Blegh.
Not to be outdone, Cheetos announced a new Halloween collab with Blumhouse, “designed to fizz, tingle and even leave your mouth feeling numb”:
Personally I am not even remotely interested in finding out what “fear” tastes like, mainly because I have a sneaking suspicion it’s just as bad going in as it is coming out.
(May I suggest some cream soda-scented butt towels? 🙃)
In the meantime, OREO is continuing their chicken experiment with an American release: OREO Chicken & Waffles. They’ve also got Banana Pudding and “Deep Fried Cookies,” coming out, the latter of which are not actually fried but are just meant to taste fried. I’m willing to try them, but also think it’s a bit of a cop-out. Why not just fry the damn things?
On top all those new releases, Mr. Peanut is On One over on Threads:
I really, really need everyone to calm down. Please.
Billionaire boys
Vigilant TMI’er Viktoria sent me a link to Bryan’s appearance on the NYT’s “Interesting Times” podcast this week. I read through the transcript, and while the majority of what he discusses are things he’s covered in the past, it’s not a bad read as the interviewer asks some interesting questions around what Bryan plans to do with the extra years he’s hoping to gain through his protocol.
I did have to cut out a couple parts of the transcript I particularly enjoyed, of course:
Firstly, learning that Bryan’s left ear is 64 years old and seeing the interviewer absolutely dog his own dental health:
Johnson: For example, I’m 48 years old, but my left ear is age 64 based upon some hearing loss I had as a kid listening to music too loud and shooting guns. So I’ve gotten hearing aids to try to correct for the deficiencies.
We aged the gums in my mouth — what’s the recession, etc.? Some data sets are very robust, some are emergent. We just take whatever data we have.
Douthat: My lower gums are ancient. I won’t show them to you.
Johnson: Do you know the measurement?
Douthat: No, no. I just can see them in the mirror, and they’ve clearly aged more rapidly than the rest of my mouth. This is just a rough estimate based on trips to the bathroom.
Then Bryan constantly recommending the sauna, but reminding the interviewer that he needed to ice his crotch:
Douthat: So you’re saying I should take my question to the sauna?
Johnson: [Laughs.] Yeah, with ice on the boys.
And this exchange, re: Bryan’s drug use:
Douthat: Was it cooler to take psilocybin than to fall in love with Kate?
…
Johnson: I’m looking at her right now, and gosh, she’s so beautiful, and she’s so sweet, and she’s amazing. And I would say they’re equal.
Incredible stuff.
Also, discerning TMI’er Tyler graced my messages this week with this tweet from Kate:
Bryan subsequently put up a related poll (you can see what I voted for, haha):
With these comments:
THEN YOU SLEEP WORSE, BRYAN.
My god. The woman is holding an electrode in her junk at night for science. Give her a few nights with another body in the bed!! Every woman deserves somebody to sleep next to that she can put her ice feet on for warmth during the night.
Hopefully he holds up his end of the bargain in 85 days.
Randomly selected animal cutie
Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium has acquired four more belugas, and are planning to take up to two more. I can’t wait to go and see these guys once they’ve settled in!!
And in Japan, baby polar bear Momota is making waves for being obsessed with traffic cones and annoying his mother in the process:
But MOMMMMM. How could you be mad at THIS LITTLE FACE?
He’s just a baby!! A baby who enjoys the tools of traffic control, and who I now love dearly and would protect wth my life.
That’s it from me this week! I’m off to finish a gigantic glass of tea and catch up on Silo and Ted Lasso. Have a great weekend!
K
If you click this link and buy the wipes, may God have mercy on your soul.
Omg dying at this sleep experiment
Very curious about the taste of fear but it sounds like something my teenager and his friends might be willing to try. I'll keep you posted....