The Dark Side of 90's Toys
Before the internet, we were encouraged to wage war on our siblings
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Ah, nostalgia.
Who doesn’t love a little trip down memory lane?
Recently, I’ve seen a bunch of old commercials for toys from the 90s while scrolling through TikTok. Most of them I was familiar with — some, I even remembered the little jingles!
But the more of them I watched, I started to notice a little trend: a lot of these toys seem designed either directly or indirectly for beating the hell out of your siblings.
Look, I’ll be real here. It’s not like I never bashed my little brother over the head with a Barbie, and they do make fine weapons when your kid sibling is doing something heinous like touching your stuff or asking to hang out with your friends1.
But these toys mean business.
I’ve compiled a short list of my faves to illustrate my point. Take a look at these bad boys!
(Also, get ready to feel old when you see how blurry these commercials are. Woof.)
Socker Boppers
First up, a “toy” that is essentially a pair of inflatable boxing gloves with absolutely no other purpose than to punch.
This commercial is fantastic, too. “You can sock all day, and bop all night!” I’m sure parents just loved that.
And I get it, okay? Maybe your kids are already punching each other 24/7 and and you’re thinking this will make things a little less dangerous. But let me tell you, these are not gonna stop little Johnny from punching your priceless Ming vase right off the shelf into a thousand, un-kintsugi-able shards. (However, it may stop him from punching out his sister’s teeth.)
Give the kids the the Boppers, throw ‘em in the backyard ‘til dinner.
Super Soaker
A gigantic water gun that you can pressurize by pumping it up.
Great for a pool day, also great for being really annoying when someone doesn’t feel like getting wet.
These things are military-grade space water guns.
I’m serious — the guy who invented the Super Soaker, Lonnie Johnson, literally worked for NASA and the Air Force. This dude was no bullshit. His Wikipedia page says:
Johnson holds more than 250 patents, most of which are for his Super Soaker. Johnson was awarded the Air Force Achievement Medal and the Air Force Commendation Medal. He received several awards from NASA for his work in spacecraft system design at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.
The JET PROPULSION LABORATORY!!
Have fun blasting each other, kids! Oh yeah, and remember:
(Don’t worry: every child will definitely read this label and follow all legal instructions while playing with their toys like they always do!)
Shout and Shoot 2
Tangentially related to the Super Soaker, except the water sprays out of a headset and the trigger is the sound of your voice.
This toy isn’t hugely different from the Super Soaker, but look at the transition in the commercials from pool party revenge sprays to an all-out tactical assault.
The drama of this commercial kills me. “You wouldn’t shoot a guy in the back, now, would ya?” We may be giving you water weapons of war, but remember kids: there’s a moral code we stick to here. And that’s that everyone deserves a chance to blast someone in the face with water.
Anyway — speaking of all-out tactical assaults:
Nerf Guns
A bunch of different gun shapes with “soft” bullet darts.
Yet another battle toy that your kids will shoot at each other and is also likely to destroy all your heirloom china.
Millennials remember being outside a lot more as kids because our parents had to stick us out there so we didn’t destroy the house with our toys, I guess.
To be fair, at my first big corporate job we were still having Nerf gun wars — so I guess some of the desire for rivalry battles never goes away. The little bullet darts were smaller though, and if you destroy a company-owned TV you’re not gonna get grounded.
Oh also yes — that is Devon Sawa of Casper fame in the commercial. *Teenage swoon*
Mongo Bat
A giant plastic bat that makes a satisfying throngggg noise when used.
I know what you’re thinking: that’s for baseball or something!
Come on now. If you tell me kids weren’t wondering if hitting their siblings over the head with that thing would make the same noise, you’re 100% wrong.
Exhibit A: a comment on this Reddit thread:
Exhibit B: this one too:
It’s not just me, okay? It’s weaponry!!
Stretch Armstrong
A stretchable toy man that provides up to minutes of fun.
Sure, sure, these kids are just having a blast stretching this toy to its limit and then waiting for a bit and stretching it again. Or tying it in a knot or whatever. How long do you think that lasts?? The answer is: about 10 minutes after Batman: The Animated Series ends.
Look. Maybe this is a stretch (har har har), but from what I recall, the real point of Stretch Armstrong is to see just how far you can stretch him and then let go so the person holding on to the other end falls down. (He wasn’t elastic enough to actually snap back and hit someone — retracting was a fairly slow process.)
It’s tug o’ war, but with a guaranteed victory.
‘Big Slammu’ Street Shark
A Street Shark action figure with a weighted fist that you can pull up and drop down.
Don’t ask how I know, but the fist is very heavy, and it does hurt if it hits you on the head. And if you’re wondering about the giant fist, you need these Important Facts™ about Big Slammu from the Street Sharks Wiki:
His most prominent attack is called the "Seismic Slam" where Slammu sets off an earthquake by hitting the ground with his fists really hard.
Slammu and his brothers were gene-slammed into the Street Sharks and have been fighting Dr. Piranoid and other villains that try to harm them and [make] them look bad.
GENE-SLAMMED? What kind of gene therapy is this??
Now I just can’t stop giggling about Street Sharks. This seemed totally normal to me as a kid, but I really need to know who came up with this premise and what drugs they were on!!
From Wikipedia:
While the Street Sharks are known to enjoy eating hot dogs, hamburgers, and shakes, they have shown a disdain for pizza.
Is this a jab at the Ninja Turtles?? Wow. I might have to do an entire deep dive on fucking Street Sharks. A Deep Dive inside a Deep Dive? It’s a Deep Dive-ception!
Bonus Fight Starter: Talkboy
A fancy recording device with a voice changer.
First off, we gotta touch on the coolest part about this toy — it was originally created as a prop for Kevin McAllister to use in Home Alone 22. Honestly, a genius idea, and then being able to make them real for kids?? Even better.
Anyway: this one’s simple: record your sibling saying something awful, then play it back to your parents.
This isn’t a physical weapon, it just instigates a fight that you can subsequently finish with the Sockem Boppers, Mongo Bat, or any of the other fine choices listed above.
Those are my favorites, so now I have to know: what battle ready toys did you have as a kid? Also, was this just the natural state of toys before we could leave mean comments on each others’ posts on the internet??
JUST FOR THE RECORD my brother is great and was one of my bridesmaids (bridesmen?) at my wedding. We are very good friends and I would never hit him with any toys (or anything else) now!! Kids are idiots!!
Best Christmas movies of all time, there are only two of them, I have never heard of any other ones, nothing else in the series exists. John Williams music, JOE PESCI, and loophole free storytelling. Utter perfection.
YEP. The Soccer Bobbers commercials are seared into my brain!!
I was very explicitly NOT allowed to have any toys that even suggested violence but I PINED for a nerf gun or a super soaker! All the fun kids had them! Silly putty and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures for me.
Also, we just watched Home Alone the other night and can confirm, it's incredible. My face when the theme started and I squealed, "DID JOHN WILLIAMS DO THIS?!"