Happy Friday!!
It’s a lovely day out today, and if you want to know how I know, it’s because just as I was sitting down to start this at 9:30 AM our damn fire alarm went off for the second time this week and I had to go sit outside on the stoop for 25 minutes. According to the email from the complex, “dust” in the “hallway” from a “surrounding home” triggered the alarm.
“Dust”, huh? Great.
We seem to be the only people that actually go outside when the alarm goes off, unless either no one else actually lives here (maybe they just cycle through redoing the floors in different units for fun — they’re doing another one this week), or everyone who does has been karmically punished by having to return to an office for work. But like, even if it turns out to be just a dust alarm, I’d rather be outside, and not, y’know, burned up.
Speaking of jobs and work, I started perusing a bit more in earnest this week to see what’s available, which may be the most depressing task a human being can take on. I’m so suspicious of any company that gives off those like “We’re a family!!” vibes because they’re gonna expect you to fully commit to them, mind, body and soul, while CEO Daddy cuts half the “family” off when his stock price needs a lil boosty so he can buy a new yacht. Teeheehee! (Can someone give me White Gladis’s phone number?)
Here are some excerpts from a real job listing (which has already had over 200 applicants!!) I saw this week:
Are you looking to accelerate your career without having to hide your authentic self - a place where you can be you? A career that’s making a bigger impact on the world?
Well sure, that sounds nice. Sounds like you guys are gonna be cool with me having my freaky little goat puppet in the background of all my Zoom calls? Because I’m not moving him.
We understand that pursuing a new job is a big deal. Maybe you’re afraid you won’t fit in. Well, here’s the good news. … If you are looking for a people-first culture that is wired for growth, driven to serve, and totally committed to having your back, give us a shot. Your best life awaits.
Hm. Honestly I’m looking more for a goat-puppet first culture that is weird for growth. Still listening, though. So tell me — what exactly is this groundbreaking work, then?
Work closely with IT Operations teams, IT M&A team, Product Owners, and business stakeholders to create and maintain training material, user guides and descriptions of product functionality to document current processes and newly released functionalities.
Holy shit. It’s like — all I’ve ever wanted was to not have to hide my authentic self — the REAL me that fucking LOVES “WORKING CLOSELY WITH BUSINESS STAKEHOLDERS.” At night I dream of a better world — one where I truly make an impact by “CREATING AND MAINTAINING DESCRIPTIONS OF PRODUCT FUNCTIONALITY.” I mean, what could be better? It’s not like they’ll let you write for a variety of audiences or anything, right?
Write for a variety of audiences, from non-technical end users to programmers, system administrators, and integrators.
OH MY GOD.
Their only saving grace is that this job is remote. Because I DO NOT WANT TO GO INTO AN OFFICE. I’m looking at you, “Hybrid Workweek!” Been there, done that, sat awkwardly in a meeting room where I could hear my coworker swallowing his coffee after every sip.
I don’t deserve this!!! I’m a good person!!
I’m fine. It’s fine. We’re all fine. Eeeeeverything’s fine.
MOVING ON.
Quickly, two updates: First, the “Wholesome Fun” from last week, regarding Rainbolt, apparently was less fun than it initially appeared. And secondly, I finished the Bigolas Dickolas recommendation book, finally, and I liked it! I gave it 4 stars on Goodreads.
Okay now. Internet things. From the week. Yes. Here they are.
I’m Being Personally Attacked
The problem is absolutely not the weird way that I’m sitting, or that I almost never actually stand up at my standing desk because that would require me actually getting up out of my chair and pressing a button. Definitely not.
I Am Extremely Invested In This
The Barbie movie is coming out soon, and while I wouldn’t consider myself like a Barbie “fan”, I played with them as a kid and am definitely planning on seeing the film, though I’ll wait to do it at home because I truly hate the Theater Experience™ of sticky floors and other humans in close proximity. Anyway, I’m pretty chill when it comes to Barbie stuff (other than the above meme, which is perfect in every way). Y’know, it’s cool or whatever. Except.
THEY MADE THE BARBIE ROLLERBLADES.
THE BARBIE ROLLERBLADES, YOU GUYS. Did anyone else have these for their Barbie? Do you remember that they ACTUALLY MADE SPARKS??
Because I did. And I do. I *actually* might even still have them in my bin of old toys.
Look, I’m not a good skater. My balance is terrible. But I need these. Okay? The nostalgia is too strong.
El*n M*sk
A couple links here about things continuing to get worse for my absolute least favorite person: Twitter is refusing to pay their Google Cloud bill (you know what, I’ll let this one slide because I can’t stand anyone involved here), which may leave the site even more susceptible to spam; and they’re being sued for $250 million for copyright infringement by music publishers.
He also seems to have inspired Reddit CEO Steve Huffman to take similar steps and create outlandish API fees for Reddit, which is turning into a gigantic disaster that’s destroying yet another one of my favorite websites.
Cool dudes. Very cool dudes.
Shameless Self-Promotion Corner
I’ve got a fun little Father’s Day piece in Weekly Humorist this week, inspired by sanding my dresser a while back and having to figure out just wtf each grit of sandpaper is for!
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
THE LITTLE RUNNING PAW FROM INSIDE THE BAG. This dog is living his best life and I’m so happy for him.
Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!! Get out and enjoy some sunshine, if ya have it! See ya next week!
K
P.S. Can someone please recommend a good milk alternative for chai lattes? I’m back on them again because they’re delicious, but they’re also just a big fucking glass of milk at 3 in the afternoon. Every oat and almond yuck tastes so goddamn watery! Help me.
Solidarity in looking for work, my friend. An insane time.
Dust 😂 Have you tried So Delicious coconut milk?