I Cannot Know The Drip King
Internet round-up for the week of June 5, 2023
Hello, and happy Friday! You won’t be shocked to hear that it’s very cloudy and overcast outside and will be for the next four days, threatening a barometric pressure migraine from hell — but guess what — we’re not going to talk about that!
Not here! Won’t catch me talking about shitty weather in the Golden State™! Never! *Ahem.*
Overall, this week has been relatively chill — just doing a lot of writing on various projects I’m working on at the moment. I’m in the middle stages of a whole bunch of things right now, which is kind of maddening, because the best part of projects is finishing them! I’m trying to be more patient, but like, who wants to do that?? Ugh.
I did watch the Apple WWDC announcement this week so I could peep the ridiculous Vision Pro. Seems incredibly reasonably priced at only $3500 and super useful in my day to day life. Honestly I hope I get a job one day for a company that buys these for their employees instead of computers so I can sit through meetings with my “eyes” displayed while I watch softspoken Disney bloggers talk about their pin collections or take a nap.
I think this is my favorite image from the preso:
Couple small updates — our girl White Gladis is back and her crack team of whale boat destroyers is at it again. Get them boats, girl! Also they’re trying to bring back that goddamn double-decker airplane seat. Remember the “Chaise Longue”? I SAID NO.
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This has been a wild week online — and I’m not sure anything can top the news that Bill Murray and Kelis are dating (yes, Kelis, of milkshake fame), but here we go:
Headline of The Week
Now this is journalism!!
This is behind a paywall, but I think you get a few free articles a month from Vulture. If you can’t read it, this’ll give you the gist:
The ghost of Tom Wambsgans texts Shiv, asking if she wants to go get consoled over breakfast at a restaurant I made in Oasis Springs called Molto Bene Italia Si Si. That’s not going to happen, Tom. First of all, Molto Bene Italia Si Si doesn’t do breakfast. Also, your wife is about to die from rabies.
I’m sorry but there is absolutely no game that can top The Sims, ever.
I’m Being Personally Attacked
I don’t know where this came from, but somebody drew a picture of me in my bed at night, and I’m fucking pissed.
I should be compensated for modeling for this.
Sorry for the wasp jump scare, but they are part of my Texas summer nostalgia. Also, more bugs, whee!
In particular though, this brought back a memory from just a few months back when I was eating lunch outside on a warm afternoon with my Google coworkers, and one of them said “Oh look, a bee!”
And I turned to see not a bee, but a BIG FUCKING YELLOWJACKET buzzing around his plate, and I was like “Uh, my dude, that is not a bee, that’s a yellowjacket,” to which he replied, “What’s that?” And it was then that I realized I was looking upon the face of a sweet summer child.
“Maybe the worst insect out there. They’re mean,” I said. It landed on his tray and started walking around. He picked up his fork. “What if I kill it?”
And then I had to explain — every wasp is Omar Little. You come at the king, you best not miss. You take a chance and you fail? That wasp will be waiting for you all the days of your life. He’ll take your picture back to the nest and they’ll hang it on the wall where the soldiers train. Generations of wasps will know your name.
You want to try to kill the wasp? You go ahead, but I’m the fuck out of here.
I felt like an old sailor telling the warning tale of the great white shark that ate my foot and forced me to get a peg leg. But, everyone decided they were done eating real fast and we went inside for free soft serve, sting-free, so I guess it worked.
I’m Gonna Have to Google This, Aren’t I
This tweet has been making the rounds this week:
I — I really do like to think I’m on the up and up. I’m heavily online. Honestly, I’m proudest that I can actually understand the context of this statement, though the content?? I am lost. The related article helps a lot:
Baby Gronk stole Livvy from Drip King, which might make Baby Gronk the new Drip King. However, there are very real concerns that Livvy is just using Baby Gronk for clout.
Oh now I get it. The last paragraph is the most explanatory.
My biggest takeaway is: I can’t tell if any of this is real? I’m afraid to Google “Baby Gronk” — mainly out of fear that if I do, I’ll be forever changed in a way that makes it impossible for me to return to the life I had before. Once I truly *know* the Drip King, can I un-know Him? What if an understanding of Livvy replaces a heartfelt memory of my grandmother? I can’t chance it.
If you’re not familiar with Trevor Rainbolt, a little background: he’s mostly picked up steam on TikTok for playing Geoguessr, a game that has you find locations on a map from a prompt image. He’s like, extraordinarily good at it.
This week, he shared on Twitter that he was stumped trying to locate a bagel in NYC.
He didn’t give a lot of additional details, but finally released this video:
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He spent EIGHTY hours finding a bagel. A BAGEL! The original poster was trynna gatekeep deliciousness and Rainbolt is the one that found and shared their business, so, as you can see in the caption, the bagel shop named that particular sandwich “The Rainbolt” after him.
This is just the right amount of pettiness for the internet.
Also, I’d just like to add that after reading about bagels for more than 5 seconds I’m DYING for a good bagel sammy, so if anyone knows where I can find one in the Bay Area please let me know ASAP.
Today, I graciously gift you access to this long-form piece in the NYT about the resurrection of Casa Bonita by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park.
Non-Coloradans like myself are likely only familiar with it from the “Casa Bonita” episode of the show, where it sounded completely made up. But — it was a real place, and they’ve spent millions restoring it to its former glory.
Hoping I get super rich one day so I can do this for Peppermint Park.
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
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This is such a great video. The gosling drama! The long walk! The happy ending! I aspire to the net-skills of the volunteers.
That’s it from me this week! No luck getting to the fancy Pacifica Taco Bell yet, but we’re planning to go to another one of those funky food fairs this weekend! I think a lot of the vendors are similar, but I’m happy because I can only try so many foods. I’m gonna have to go to like 10 of these to taste everything. Have a great weekend!!