Dry Way of Life
Internet round-up for the week of February 3, 2025
Greetings, and happy Friday, my friends!
It’s a fairly gray February day here in Chicago — but there’s enough sun peeking through the clouds/blinds to create a giant glare on my glasses, so things are going great.
This week’s been pretty busy for yours truly. I’ve got a lot of things in progress at work at the moment, all of which I’d like to have finished by mid-next week, so I’ve got my head down and am powering through. I scheduled a couple days off at the end of next week for a long weekend (I’m off for President’s Day) and am really looking forward to it.
Writing full time is, of course, a dream come true, but there are definitely some weeks where the writer’s block is hitting me hard and I feel like I’m wading through waist-deep water just trying to get my work done. I think having a few days off to not have to do any work, be a little more offline, and also maybe play Civ VII (it comes out next week!!) will give my brain a little reset.
Until then, though — I will be at the computer with a glass of tea and my hands firmly resting on the keyboard.
As usual, I’ve spent an ample amount of time online this week in between transcribing an interview, scouring pictures on Reddit, and outlining a bunch of Ancient Roman drawings of dicks (more on this soon). So let’s get into the goodies:
Rat City, Bitch
You may recall last summer when Eric Adams rolled out (pun intended) New York City’s newest initiative: using trash cans instead of throwing all their garbage in a big pile on the curb (destroying what I can only assume was known on the streets as Rat Heaven).
Well, things are going great:
I mean. Literally, of course? Rats can chew through concrete.
One container was spotted in Williamsburg Thursday with a rat-sized hole one expert said appeared to have been made from a rodent, marking a battle lost for humans in the so-called Trash Revolution.
The rats won this battle, and they will win the war.
Big ups to my boys for doing what they do best: never giving up. If you’re looking for inspiration to follow your dreams, look no further than the hearty city rat. As I mentioned, they can (and will) chew through concrete. Isn’t that the mindset you’d like to have as we venture further into 2025? I say yes.
TMI Hath Foretold
Welcome to a new and exciting section of the newsletter I never wanted to have to create, but considering this newsy has been around almost three years now, it’s safe to assume some of my predictions will eventually come true.
This week, my prophecies are, indeed, coming to pass. I’ve done nothing but ask that we stop dicking around with fish from the deep sea before they start coming up here looking around at what’s on land. And wouldn’t you know it…
THEY’RE ARRIVING.
Also I’m not taking any responsibility for taunting the Anglerfish by saying that it had the chompers for cheese but would never get a taste. This is not on me.
Anyway, here he is:
As if the photo isn’t bad enough, there’s a video of this thing, floating around, looking menacing.
For the record, I didn’t put the music to it, the creator did — though I absolutely would have if the video was mine. Look at it. Just…swimming. Coming for our dairy and our dry way of life. Ominous.
Anyway, back to the details from The Canarian Times:
The deep-sea predator, usually found at depths of between 200 and 2,000 metres, was spotted by marine biologist Laia Valor during a research expedition on pelagic sharks. "We were returning to port when I saw something black in the water that didn’t look like plastic or debris. It seemed unusual," Valor told the EFE news agency. "We spent a couple of hours with it. It was in poor condition and only survived for a few hours."
Okay. Well, I’m sorry to the fish, but the one saving grace here is that it sounds like their efforts to overtake us are not yet ready. But they’re trying. That’s my main concern.
The fish got his moment in the sun, but we’ve gotta put a stop to this before they make reverse scuba gear or something. Hopefully they tied a brick to him with a note that said, “Nothing to see up here” and dropped him back down to the depths.
After the fish died, the research team carefully transported it in a water-filled container to the Museum of Nature and Archaeology (MUNA) in Santa Cruz de Tenerife for further study.
Goddammit.
Hi. Scientists — can I call you Scientists?
Please stop taking things from the deep sea and bringing them up to land. I’m begging you. Let them have their world, and we shall have ours, and then I will not be subjected to viewing the needle-like teeth of a terrifying ocean creature. Thanks.
Also, I’d be remiss if I glossed over the scientific name of this dark-sided gremlin, which is Melanocetus johnsonii. “Melanocetidae” is Greek for “black sea monster,” and “johnsonii” is English for weird wet billionaire who injected his son’s plasma. Interesting stuff.
In other news, you may also recall our previous discussion about McDonald’s Green Irish/St. Patrick’s Day Grimace, named Uncle O’Grimacey — well, McDonald’s is bringing him back this year. I said America deserved heinous mascots, and well — McDonald’s listened.
Also I feel like People should issue a correction for calling Grimace an “oblong-shaped fluffy mascot” in that article instead of correctly naming him as a taste bud, which they themselves reported on LAST YEAR. Get it right, gang.
Good read
I thoroughly enjoyed this New York Times piece, “How My Trip to Quit Sugar Became a Journey Into Hell” (gift link, you know) by Caity Weaver this week. Caity went to a fancy retreat in Austria to try and detox from sugar, and — spoiler alert — it was not a great experience. Her writing is incredibly funny and specific, and I really felt a kindred connection to another adult who a) loves Fruit Roll-Ups and b) actually scientifically proved that their body is mostly fine when they eat food that’s considered “junk.”
I’ve said a thousand times my body runs better on Taco Bell — and while I don’t have the bloodwork to prove it — I continue to believe this to be true. I should exercise though. (Note: I am unlikely to move from my chair in the next two hours.)
Randomly selected animal cutie
This is Berry, the 525-lb black bear that was found hiding from the Eaton Fire in someone’s crawlspace:
Berry, our sweet little survivor, was apparently too big to tranquilize but was lured out with “apples, peanut butter and some rotisserie chicken.” He was relocated to the Angeles National Forest and he now has a GPS tracking collar which I hope they’ll make public one day so we can see what he’s up to. Also LOOK AT HIS FACE I love him and I’d hug him if he wouldn’t slice me in half in .5 seconds.
The main takeaway here is: we should all aspire to be too big to tranquilize.
That’s it from me this week! Hope you all have a great weekend. I’ve got quite a few things planned, all culminating in kicking back and watching the “Big Game” on Sunday. (I hope you’ve gotten as many ads from Brands™ this week as I have using the generalized version of a term that the NFL has trademarked.) Not much skin in the game for me since the Giants suck and my fantasy quarterback/large son Joshua Allen didn’t make it, but I think I’m gonna root for the Eagles (sorry, Taylor) because I love it when a streak gets broken. Have a good one!
K
Love the new section!
I, too, also loved the new section, as well. I lol’d several times while reading it (and fully agree; sharks are enough, I don’t devil-fish in my shallow waters, nor on land).
I would, additionally, like to suggest a writing topic (that you have likely done already and I was too lazy to search for): solo working tips. I am thinking of making this a thing in my life, and would love to here your take 🙂