Hi babes! Happy Friday!
I’m back from Erma and back to the grind (writing many things and job hunting)! As I mentioned previously, I’ll be doing a Deep Dive on my experience there, which should be out next week. I had a fantastic time, met tons of internet friends, and I can’t wait to talk more about it!
We had amazing weather during the eclipse and got 93-ish% sun coverage in Chicago, which was pretty cool. I hadn’t bought eclipse glasses, but Damon and I went out into the courtyard with our neighbors and shared a couple pairs. It was super rad to see and really fun to experience in a group of people who were all just as excited as us.
Here’s a cool picture someone took near the beach, and you can really see how odd the lighting outside got during the point of not quite totality:
I also turned in a take-home test for one of the interview processes I’m in this week, and wow I realized just how long it had been since I did technical writing or looked at code. I guess it was kind of like riding a bike, if the bike was very rusty and the handlebars were on backwards. But I got through it and felt as good as I could about what I turned in, so we’ll see what happens!
And now, I’d love to spend some time telling y’all about an experience I had at a McDonald’s on my drive home from Dayton. Steel yourselves. It’s gross.
Normally, I’d just use the drive-thru while on a road trip, but I had to pee — so I figured I’d make a single stop at a McDonald’s and go inside to use the restroom and grab food.
This Mickey D’s was CROWDED. I assume with eclipse traffic? But I was already off the highway, so it’d have to do.
I went into the restroom and there were 3 people waiting in line — an older woman and a mother and her son. As soon as I got inside, the mother turned to me and said, “There’s only one working toilet. One stall has a mess in it, and one doesn’t flush.” I wasn’t surprised to hear about the mess, because it smelled heinous in there. “Okay,” I replied. Not a problem. I covered up my nose and mouth with my hoodie.
“If you squat down there on the floor you can see it,” the old woman said, pointing under the handicapped accessible stall. “Somebody missed the toilet.” “Um, no thank you,” I said politely. Why…would I want to…see…? Just then, a teenage McDonald’s employee entered the bathroom. “In there,” Old Woman said, pointing again toward the stall. Teenage Employee nodded and went in, and said loudly, “Oh my god. I’ve got to get a mop.” She left.
Old Woman then entered the available stall, and shortly after, another woman entered the restroom. As the last person in line, I was now responsible for informing the next guest of the situation. “There’s only one working toilet,” I told her. She sighed and got in line behind me. “Somebody missed the toilet! You can see it if you squat down and look!” Old Woman called out from inside the stall. New Woman gave me a confused look, and I just shook my head.
Teenage Employee returned with the mop and bucket. “I’m so sorry,” I said to her, as she passed by. What a shitty way to spend your Sunday afternoon. Like, literally.
I used the restroom, then went out front. Old Woman was having trouble ordering at the kiosk, so I helped her, and she thanked me. Then I ordered and went up to wait for food beside her, along with a late-20s-ish guy. Teenage Employee passed by, headed into the back. Then she returned, with A SECOND MOP AND MOP BUCKET. (I am so, so glad I didn’t look.)
“Still bad in there?” Old Woman asked. Teenage Employee nodded. Old Woman and I made eye contact, and I shook my head. 20-Something Guy looked at us, and I said, “There was an accident in the bathroom.” He grimaced. “And it wasn’t urine, either!” Old Woman shouted. “You could see it if you squatted down,” she continued. “It wasn’t logs. It was mushy.”
Just then, 20-Something’s food arrived. “Enjoy your meal,” I said sarcastically as he walked away, and all three of us burst out laughing. After he left, Old Woman turned to me and said, “Oh my god, I didn’t even realize! I don’t even want to look at my hamburger now!”
YOU DID NOT REALIZE THAT WE WERE IN A RESTAURANT AND YOU’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT POOP INCESSANTLY FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTES?! Old Woman!! Come on!
Old Woman’s food arrived, and she said she’d “really enjoyed talking to me” as she left. I eventually got my food too. Fries hadn’t been cooked long enough and my drink was watery, but it was enough to hold me over until I got home for real dinner.
The moral of this story is: People are weird, and you do not have to look.
And on that note, let’s get in to this week’s internet jazz.
I’m being personally attacked
This is honestly the number one reason to rent for the rest of your life (never mind all the insane housing prices, interest rates, etc.). Your Lord of The Land remains responsible for all these filters and things, so not only do you not have to know what they are, you don’t have to pay to have them cleaned (or repaired when you didn’t clean them and a thing broke).
But honestly, there should be some kind of an easily referenced list somewhere for those of us who are working on pretending to be adults.
Marine mistake
All right, I’m a couple of weeks behind on this one but it came to my attention for the first time this week via this tweet:
Sigh. We've been over this, okay?
We do not need to do any further research into the ocean or understand ocean life. It’s done! We’ve seen enough. We found stuff to eat in there. Why can’t humans ever be satisfied??
I pulled a few screenshots from a related YouTube video for us to discuss, so let’s take a look at some of the horrific new discoveries.
What the fuck is this?
Why are there a bunch of clear fried eggs stuck to each other in a big wad? Are they squishy? Is each brown yolk sentient? Is any of it sentient? Place this back in the ocean, immediately.
It’s not going to get worse than, this, right?
OH MY GOD.
They’re telling me this is a sea cucumber, but cucumbers are green, and this is made of flesh. IT IS AN INFLATED BALLOON OF FLESH. And what is that goo being expelled from the end? You know what, I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me about the goo, or what’s in it. Just place this…thing…back in its home, and let it do whatever it does down there.
Which is, I guess…scoot? Or does it float? Is it stationary?
Never mind. Don’t answer that. I cannot know any more information about this baguette organism or its disgusting skin. I’ve seen enough.
That’s it, right? Can’t be a worse weird little sea freak than that.
*Gag* ABOMINATION!!
Are those nipples or feet? Is that clump of feet-teats the butt or the mouth?? WHERE IS THE HEAD ON THIS SO CALLED ‘SEA-PIG’???
Does it even have one? Does it think? Does it feel??
Why is it so round?? Does it have antennae, or are those rudders? I’ve never hated anything more IN MY LIFE. Put this fucking thing back. Send it home to its friends, or its solitary lifestyle, and let it do whatever fucking strange shit it wants to do. I should not have to know that this exists.
Let these little freaks of the week do whatever weird ass shit they’re into down there in the ocean, beyond the reaches of my comprehension.
And my god, don’t bring them up here! Now they’re going to telepathically explain to their friends what’s going on up here and they’re going to come up and do their freaky shit topside. Y’all might as well be opening a cursed sarcophagus.
Send these creatures back to the depths. That’s enough research. ENOUGH.
Shameless self-promotion corner
Last week, I wrote the newsletter on Thursday night since I knew I was going to be busy in sessions all day on Friday. But later that morning, I realized one of my pieces had actually gone up on Points in Case!
So first up, I’ve got this helpful guide for anyone out there currently looking for a job: “Job Listings, Translated.”
Here’s a little snippet:
“Salary is commensurate with experience and qualifications.”
Translation: The pay is low. VERY low. Like, intern-level low.
“Applicants should have a strong interest in technology.”
Translation: Your boss is going to expect you to use the fax machine.
And then Monday, while I was having my usual existential crisis over the fact that I didn’t have any pieces in queue to be published and wondering whether I’d ever have a good idea again, I pitched a piece about the eclipse to Hard Drive that I got to write up titled “Guy Ignores Eclipse in Favor of Destroying Vision by Looking at Screens 16 Hours a Day.”
This was my seventeenth published piece so far this year, which is kind of wild considering my best year prior to this was 9 published pieces back in 2021. I can’t wait to get a larger look back at my stats when I work on my Deep Dive later this year!!
Randomly Selected Animal Cutie
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We love a neurotic pet with an unreasonable hang up!! My dog used to fly into a (playful) rage if anyone moved in slow motion in her immediate vicinity. Or if anyone danced. Or walked backwards. I love a pet that’s a weirdo. They’re the best.
That’s it from me this week! Substack is bitching that my email is too long so I’ve gotta wrap it up. I’m off to eat some lunch before catching up with some friends and then getting back to the ol’ grind. Gotta keep that “Shameless Self-Promotion Corner” full somehow!
K
Okay, I had to scroll through the sea creatures part. I'm sure there were good jokes but I was terrified to look for too long. Don't know what it says about me that I was fine reading about poop while eating breakfast but living organisms creeped me out. And I loved your PIC piece! Congrats!
"The moral of this story is: People are weird, and you do not have to look." Excellent takeaway 😂