Perceived Capri Sun
Internet round-up for the week of August 26, 2024
Hey there, gang! Hope you’re having a great Friday! It’s overcast here, but I’m not mad about it (for once). It’s keeping the apartment relatively cool, and considering the wild heatwave we had earlier in the week it’s actually kinda nice.
As I’m sure you can tell from the belatedness of today’s newsy, my “chill week” somehow, unexpectedly (but also kind of expectedly), turned into another extremely busy seven days. Surely next week won’t be so busy, right? Right?
ANYway, at least I’ve got a 3-day weekend out of the deal. I’ll take it.
I’m hoping to spend at least some portion of that time catching up on the billion shows I want to watch that all seem to be on at once. Last night we started Rings of Power, plus we’re currently watching Big Brother, Love is Blind UK, and The Mole. And now Only Murders in the Building just dropped its new season and like…HELLO?? How am I supposed to watch all of this?! I have to work!! And I also have a couple of satire pieces I’d like to get out before the end of the year! Give me a break, TV!! I’m trying!!
I’d love to catch up on them during the day, but most of those shows are things I really want to actively pay attention to. If I’m going to have background noise (which I can almost never tolerate), it has to be something relatively chill. Speaking of which: I started watching a bit of the Paralympics today while I worked. I’ve never watched them before, and am so completely blown away by the skill level of the Paralympians. There’s an archer who literally draws back the bow with his mouth. I don’t think I could even successfully shoot a bow, period. Amazing.
Otherwise: I’m currently enjoying the fact that Mercury Retrograde officially ended on Thursday. My birthday was good (had a great cupcake and delicious Chipotle 💅🏻), but it’s been a bit of an eventful week even outside of all the actual work I had to get done. I’ll just say this: if the universe takes one more swipe at me this year, we’re going to fisticuffs.
I’ve been super online today because I had my pitch meeting pushed up to this morning instead of Monday, which means I was hardcore scouring the internet for Content™. So, let’s get in to what I’ve got for ya today:
Who approved this product?
The brands continue to brand, and this week, Capri Sun announced that they’re going to start selling their previously pouched beverages in bottles.
This created a fair amount of backlash before Capri Sun took to their Instagram page to reassure fans: “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet - we’d never disrespect the pouch and they’re here to stay!”
So I guess, from what I understand, the bottles are bigger, and are meant to be more aimed at adults. Personally, I have no issue carrying around a little pouch as an adult and feel like 6 oz is plenty of high fructose corn syrup sauce per day, but sure, okay.
Here’s my main issue: Capri Sun is not to be seen. It is a mysterious libation that exists inside of a dark, reflective pouch that you must puncture with an opaque straw to imbibe. The bottles, fortunately, appear to be covered. But they make it far, far too easy to pour the contents into a glass.
And what then? What am I supposed to do when I’ve perceived Capri Sun? Just go about the rest of my life with the knowledge that it’s…well, whatever it is? Yuck.
Oh, and before we move on from the topic of brands — I get that we’re trying to be cutesy with the arrival of fall, but Dude Wipes must be stopped at all costs:
The mere existence of the phrase “DUMPkin spice” is why the aliens will destroy the earth without even trying to communicate with us first.
Rat City, Bitch
This post from April made its way to me via Twitter this week, and I’m completely obsessed.
Look at these little guys go!! This video is really making me want a rat. Are they stinky? Talk me out of it, please. (Also, I’m following this account now so be prepared to see more of their shenanigans.)
And as always, Eric Adams continues his outrageous attacks on our boys in gray.
What kind of person photoshops a TEAR onto a HUNGRY RAT? Awful. For the millionth time: give them the damn trash, okay??
Nostalgia corner
As an elder millennial, a large portion of my fashion-formative years were colored by the overbearing, terrifying voices of Stacy London and Clinton Kelly. I absolutely loved watching What Not to Wear and dreamed of the day they would come tearing into my messy bedroom to toss out my heinous Big Dog soccer t-shirts, stick me in the 360 mirror, and give me the perfect style. I would’ve cried over my haircut1, but I would’ve liked the makeup.
That shirt says “While you were eating cheesy poofs” (front) / “I was training” (back). I was not actually “training.” I just liked the soccer ball and the South Park reference. I went to normal weekly soccer practices like a normal kid. Also I thought this was a great choice for school picture day. Very cool.
Anyway, Variety announced this week that Stacy and Clinton will be back with a new show called Wear Whatever The F You Want on Amazon Prime, and personally, I’m very excited. Can these two actually be okay with someone wearing whatever they want? I believe the answer to this is no, and I cannot wait to find out if I am correct.
Non-Newtonian fluid and jelly sandwich
The TSA started a firestorm this week when they tweeted this:
And as you can see, they were quickly corrected by Twitter’s community notes. Peanut butter is apparently not simply a liquid, but a non-Newtonian fluid. And it is a non-Newtonian fluid that you cannot carry on an airplane unless you have it spread onto a sandwich, at that.
Prior to this week’s drama, I actually would’ve had no clue how to properly classify peanut butter. But thanks to this mess, I learned on Wikipedia:
A non-Newtonian fluid is a fluid that does not follow Newton's law of viscosity, that is, it has variable viscosity dependent on stress. In particular, the viscosity of non-Newtonian fluids can change when subjected to force. Ketchup, for example, becomes runnier when shaken and is thus a non-Newtonian fluid.
So I guess we’re just eating these things all the time. Weird.
Anyway, the best part of the whole thing were the responses, and this is my favorite:
A very reasonable question.
Randomly selected animal cutie
I know what you’re thinking. “Kelley, you’ve already given us a cute video of an animal today!” And you’re right, I have. Those little driving rats were adorable.
But this is maybe my favorite video I’ve seen all week. I’ve watched it probably 50 times since I first saw it, and so I have to share it with you:
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There are so many amazing things happening here. The dog perfectly riding the one-wheel and missing the puddle. Knowing how to turn, speed up, and slow down. Slowly approaching the cat and wagging his tail. The cat walking up wondering what the hell is going on here, and knowing for a fact his cat friends are not ever going to believe this story. And then the dog hopping off to mark a tree. Utter perfection.
That’s it from me this week! I’m off to kick my feet up, act like I’m going to rest, and then find something else to busy myself with for the rest of my life, I guess. Have a great weekend!!
K
FTR, crying over getting my hair cut has unfortunately not been limited to my teenage years. Is it impossible to get a haircut you actually like these days? How come it’s always 3” shorter than you ask for it to be? Are there really THAT MANY dead end bits? Why won’t my old stylist answer the phone after the pandemic? Does she hate me now? All this and more, tonight at 9.
Very upset about dumpkin spice omg