Slime Holes
Internet round-up for the week of June 15, 2026
Greetings my friends! Happy Friday, happy Juneteenth, and happy three-year anniversary of the OceanGate disaster!
It’s a lovely sunny day here in Chicago, and though it’s been in the 60’s all week, it’s finally supposed to get to the mid-70s today and I’m absolutely thrilled. I love this city more than anywhere else in the world but it’s June and I need to be outside without a jacket, stat.
As I’ve mentioned previously, there’s been quite a bit of roadwork going on around my apartment of late. They have: installed curb bump-outs on both ends of the block to make it safer to walk, scraped and repaved the entire street, and taken out the esplanade on either end for replacement.
It’s all really nice except THEY’RE STILL NOT DONE and my god the jackhammering has been out of control this week and also they’ve blocked off all the parking for like three blocks in either direction and it’s excruciating. I keep trying to scoot the car around to areas where they’re not working even though I’m technically not supposed to be parked there because my husband is out of town and he usually has the car at work during the day and as y’all know parallel parking is the worst thing that humans ever invented.
Otherwise, this week has been pretty solid — as I mentioned, my hubby’s been at a work conference in Vegas, so I’ve been puttering around the house all by myself, eating weird microwave meals because my personal chef (husband) is not here, working, and of course, watching Love Island.
Speaking of Love Island…last night’s vote was a rigged election!!! Stop the count!!!!!!!!
I am HEATED. Sincere is on my last fucking nerve. Honestly, I’m about ready to start Love Island UK at this rate. (I’ve heard this season is particularly good, so I’ll follow up if I actually decide to plague myself with another 40-episode television show in the near future.)
ANYWAY. While my teeth get vibrated out of my skull from this giant steamroller running over a patch they just put in the street for manhole cover access, let’s get on in to the news of the week:
Brands a-branding
Kwik Trip, a gas station/convenience store in the Midwest, has created a new, green affront to god and nature: Mountain Dew Dunker Donuts.
Seems like their R&D team has discovered the Secret of The Ooze1.
From what I can gather, these appear to be regular donuts with some kind of Dew-laden glaze. I’ll wager it has just the right amount of sugar and caffeine that it can, when enjoyed with a morning coffee, send your psyche directly into another dimension.
I’m mostly just dying over this USA Today article that says, “In an email sent to USA TODAY on June 17, Kwik Trip said that the feedback has been mixed, with some loving the creation and others saying it's not for them.”
REVIEWS ARE MIXED ON THE SLIME HOLES, GANG!!
That said, it’s time for the worst part of this whole ordeal:
My nemesis, always at the scene of the crime.
I swear to fucking god, Dude Wipes. It’s on sight.
Maxxed out
For some time now, I’ve been trying to decide how I’d like to introduce a new character to TMI. Since he’s not a billionaire, he doesn’t really fit into my “Billionaire boys” section, even though there’s something about his intention to — not live forever, but be the prettiest boy in all the land, that sort of feels BB-adjacent.
So for now, welcome to a brand new section of the newsy where I’ll cover “Looksmaxxers”— and in particular, my new favorite freak of the week, Braden Peters, aka Clavicular.
For some quick background, Clavicular is a streamer who has gained notoriety for his desire to maximize his looks, which included doing things like taking steroids, using meth as an appetite suppressant, and hitting his face with a hammer (a technique he calls “bonesmashing” that was supposed to make his jawline look better somehow).
He’s kind of like Beej, if he wasn’t super rich (or a former Mormon) and his desire was less about living forever and more about looking the best. Though to be fair, he did discuss his own research on a different kind of longevity on Logan Paul’s podcast2 (he puts weights in a plastic shopping bag and hangs it on his dick in an attempt to lengthen it — that’s science, baby!).
Anyway — Clav isn’t the type of streamer that sits at his computer playing video games. He livestreams himself like, out and about, doing things, like walking past women, OD’ing at a club (he’s fine, he’s FINE) and sitting in a limo while two guys call him gay for getting plastic surgery. And he streams on Kick, which is, for the uninitiated, the Mike’s Hard Lemonade of streaming platforms. He also has his own little harem of fancy boys, including another streamer named Androgenic (brought to my attention after someone yanked his wig hat off).
Back in February, the New York Times (gift link, duh) ran a piece on him, and it’s worth checking out, if not to read, to at least get a look at his old nose. GQ did a solid profile as well. (Spoiler alert: he’s not a great guy!) And speaking of interviews, one of his favorite hobbies seems to be getting up and leaving during them to make a dramatic exit (especially when he’s getting mogged (read: losing a handsome guy competition) by the interviewer.
Anyhoo, that’s all to say that I felt today was finally the day because this week, Clav showed off his recent rhinoplasty results, and the internet has decided he looks like Young Sheldon (who later replied, saying he’s mogging Clavicular) and it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in a very long time.
Personally I think the nose job has given him the distinct vibe of someone wearing a Patagonia vest while figuring out how to increase shareholder value.
So, yeah. Prepare yourself for more of this kind of stuff:
Also: I’m definitely adding Clavvy to the long, long list of Deep Dives I’d love to get back to when I have a little more time. More than anything, I just needed a little space and context for him here, and well, now we’ve got some territory staked out.
Billionaire boys
Not to be outdone — back to everybody’s favorite Lifemaxxer, Bryan Johnson!
Thankfully, Beej has recovered from his jet lag, and is back to his normal (?), everyday self, telling us way too much about his personal life.
Of course the tweet is 6 billion words long, so feel free to click through and read the rest of his research. I’ll be honest, I’m kind of disappointed by this??? Like come on, man. I thought they were sitting under red lights and eating tocopherols for breakfast together before heading upstairs to a joint genital-zapping session. But I guess…Kate is following along with his protocol…AT HOME??? How lame.
Also like. She’s NEVER slept over??????? Do they just have sex and then Bryan’s 8:30 PM bedtime alarm goes off and he just puts on his eye mask and calls her an Uber? Put this man on Love Island!
He’s also swallowed a miniature computer for sauna research and launched a new medication for gut health that he’s selling through Blueprint, and if any of you would like to buy a bottle of this and see just how many times the human body can shit in one day, I’d love to hear about it.
Wholesome fun
TMI favorite Neal Agarwal (of Deep Sea and Size of Life fame) has released a fun new website this week called Wiki Spy, an endless game of I Spy. It is, as always, incredibly cool, and each of the images leads to more and more similar pictures, and all of them can be traced back to Wikipedia so you can learn new things. It’s like a visual rabbit hole, and it’s perfect.
Randomly selected animal cutie
Congratulations are in order to Jonathan the tortoise, who now holds a Guinness World Record as the oldest living land animal! He’s ~194 years old, which is WILD.
According to Wikipedia, Jonathan lives on the island of Saint Helena (yes, that’s where Napoleon Bonaparte lived during his second exile) with his mate Frederik (Happy Pride!), and is taken care of by the government there. (I’ve also learned that his picture is on their 5p coin, and have decided that I must obtain one immediately.)
It will come as no surprise that I love him. Here’s to the next 100 years, my guy!
That’s it from me this week! I’m off to run a few errands before I pick up my hubs from the airport later tonight. Have a great weekend!
K
Best Turtles movie and I WILL die on this hill.
I know. I’M SORRY.