Staircase Poop Minefield

Internet round-up for the week of September 23, 2024

Happy Friday, buddies!

It’s been another busy week around these parts. It rained here this week for the first time in a while, and it’s actually been nice because it brought some fabulous fall weather along with it. Plus, the city was getting kind of stinky (yes this is a real thing) so I’m happy the sewage is er…on the move.

I absolutely cackled earlier this week when, shortly after sharing my pigeon saga, I saw this TikTok of the Please Don’t Destroy crew returning to their office after SNL’s summer hiatus only to discover — you guessed it — a pair of pigeons hanging out in there. And to absolutely no one’s surprise, they’d pooped.

What is it with birds, man? Like, they’re so cute. Especially the little fuzzy babies. I’d love to have them around more often. Why can’t they just find a single area to poop in? Just one big bird toilet, like..I dunno, in a dumpster? Why do they have to create a staircase poop minefield? Birds keep your poop contained to a single area challenge.

Our little disgusting brothers are still hanging around most of the time, and I absolutely love them. I would happily put a feeder out on our back porch if the landlord wouldn’t have my head for it. And also if it wouldn’t completely ruin my rubber “taking the trash out” Birkenstocks. I can’t be walking in all this poop, team. I live in an apartment. I don’t even have a hose for shoe or stair rinsing.

My favorite part of the week is when I get a “person seen” notification from our doorbell camera and the “person” is a pigeon:

But — I digress. Last week I mentioned that I have another Creature™ friend at the moment, the spider that’s living in my bathroom window area — and I said they were a story for another day. Well, friends — you’re in luck. Today is that day.

I’m sure you’re probably wondering why, last week, I didn’t just share pictures of my actual bathroom window. Have you ever been to Texas Roadhouse, where they have you dump your peanut shells all over the floor? That’s basically what the spider is doing in my bathroom windowsill corner, but with bug carcasses.

The spider often comes out and crawls around while I’m showering to see if there are uh…any peanuts, I guess, left in the shells(?)…which, as you can imagine, I don’t love. But we’ve got a little agreement, which is: she’s welcome to stay and eat tiny bugs, but if I gently blow on her, that’s the signal that she’s getting too close and freaking me out and should move the other way or I’ll have to smash her (and I really don’t want to do that).

So far, she takes the hint and gently turns around and goes the other way, so things have been working out fine. She makes a tiny web across my bottles of Olaplex and keeps bugs out of my orchid, and I…just let her do that.

Earlier this week, though, I saw my spider and something looked different about her. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was off. Then she started plowing straight toward me, so I blew on her, and she just froze instead of turning around. I was like “Girl please. OUR AGREEMENT??” but I couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t listening and was, in fact, taking kind of an aggressive stance — UNTIL SUDDENLY, from her usual spot, MY SPIDER CAME OUT.

Sir, a second spider is in the shower

My spider started heading over and I blew on her to warn her away and she LISTENED, because that’s what she does, and I swear to God if this secondary spider does ANYTHING to her I’ll SMASH IT TO BITS because original spider and I had a totally great thing going. (Yes, I can tell them apart, and no, I can’t explain why. It’s a vibe. Help me.)

I’ve seen them both a couple of times this week and all I hope is that if there’s some kind of battle *my* spider wins out. And also that they don’t have babies or something because I truly don’t think I could handle that. Fuzzy birds in a nest are one thing. IRL Arachnophobia is another.

I’ll keep you updated as the spider drama progresses.

And now, onto the news from the week!

Me and karma vibe like that

I’d like to quickly share a a story about my former employer paying an insane amount for a startup company solely so they could rehire an employee that left because they didn’t think his original AI project was worthwhile. I am, of course, no fan of AI, but finding out they spent $2.7 billion to rehire someone based on their own poor decisions just feels, well…~karmic~.

And now on to the true recipient of karma this week: New York Mayor Eric Adams.

You, sir, decided to wage war on the rats.

It appears that, as I suggested, the rat mafia has finally gotten their revenge. Put their trash into cans, will ya? Well, someone, somehow got a little tip about all those private, all-expense paid trips to Turkey.

“Did someone say Turkey? I love Turkey, boss!” (I will never stop using this picture. It’s the best thing I’ve ever made.)

And I’m not the only one who sees the truth here:

via Twitter.

via Twitter.

Finally: those of us who were on the right side of history can celebrate alongside the Rat Crew. It’s done, boys. Time to party.

I really think I should get a rat.

Congratulations to rats!! Trash for everyone!

Brands a-branding

Look, I’ll be honest — this is maybe the first time in a long time that I’ve seen a specialty item coming out of a brand and thought, “I NEED THIS.”

I simply must have this. I must. It sounds amazing.

Last year I tried the Winter Spiced Cranberry Sprite and it tasted like I was drinking a bowl of effervescent potpourri. But this? Straight up pomegranate and cherry in 7UP? This has to be better, right? RIGHT, SHIRLEY?

Her name is further immortalized by the mocktail named after her, although Temple found the drink far too sweet for her palate. In 1988, Temple brought a lawsuit to prevent a bottled soda version from using her name.

Oops. Thanks, Wikipedia. Sorry, Shirley.

Damn. Can you imagine having a drink named after you that you hated?? Immortalized forever in a flavor you find too sweet. Everywhere you go everyone tries to be cute by serving you your namesake beverage and you find it disgusting. Nightmare.

Anyway — I’ll try to get this when it comes out and report back.

Good Reads

As if the Willy Wonka Experience earlier this year wasn’t enough, a Bridgerton Ball-themed scam was held in Detroit earlier this week. But the best related read is absolutely this interview from The Cut with the sole pole dancer from the event.

And this is fun: Meta is soon going to be integrating AI-generated content directly into our feeds. When are companies going to realize we don’t want this?? If I see my own face in an ad I’m going to lose it.

Randomly selected animal cutie

Another adorable baby animal has entered the chat! Meet Pesto, the ABSOLUTE UNIT of a baby penguin born back in January at the Sea Life Melbourne Aquarium.

Pesto next to an average-sized king penguin (via New Atlas)

Pesto is an extremely large boy who weighs almost FIFTY (50) pounds — and I truly cannot think of anything more I want in the world than to squeeze him. Look at his little (giant) wingtip! I want to pinch it. I’m sure he smells terrible (as we know, birds poop a LOT and EVERYWHERE) but I do not care.

Here he is waddling out from behind his mom:

@kiarap688#greenscreenvideo

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Just a massive, massive boy. Pesto forever!

That’s it from me this week! I’m off to do some work and enjoy the rest of my afternoon with the windows open taking in these fall vibes. Have a good one!
K