The Last Pope

Internet round-up for the week of February 17, 2025

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Hello hello, and happy Friday, friends!

It’s a lovely sunny day out, and it is THIRTY. DEGREES. After a week of negative and single-digit temps, it’s absolutely beautiful. ☺️ I had a wonderful vacation over the end of last week and beginning of this one — it was really, really nice to have a little break and a brain reset.

In about a month, will someone please remind me to do that again??

I’ve been fairly busy at work, but nothing too significant. Internet views are a fickle thing, and lately a fair amount of my work has fallen victim to the whims of Tech Boy Algorithms™. But, we press on. (Yet another reason why Substack is so great — you can’t escape me because I live inside your inbox.)

Otherwise, I’ve recently become obsessed with this salsa, which I picked up at the grocery store on a whim and then nearly finished off in one sitting. I’m still thinking about it right now, actually, even though it’s all gone and my bag of tortilla chips is just the little broken bits and crumb dust.

I mentioned The Traitors last week and that I was rooting for Carolyn, and you will not be surprised to learn that (SPOILER ALERT) I jinxed her. Sure, sure, there’s no way that my musings from seven days ago went back in time and altered footage recorded in 2024. I’ll keep telling myself that. 😤

Over the weekend, I binged the first six episodes of Love Is Blind season 8. This season was weirdly made with five of the most same men who ever existed. Here, have a look:

I know, I know. Some of their mouths are different, and one of them has less hair. And there are two(ish) beards. But like, if I run in to one of them in the wild it’s gonna take me at least two full seconds to process which one it is.

After watching six episodes back-to-back, I actually can tell them apart. I’ve made a helpful guide, if you’re thinking about starting the show any time soon:

Only three of them ended up getting engaged (Daniel, Ben, and Dave), and I look forward to seeing what traumatic events they’ve inflicted upon their partners in the next set of episodes.

Speaking of which — it’s about time for me to start watching those, so let’s dive in to the goods I’ve got for you this week:

Deep Sea Freaks

I continue to be plagued by the existence of that goddamn anglerfish.

This week, TikTok user @sydbecrafty shared a piece of artwork¹ designed to make me feel like an absolutely horrible person.

via Twitter.

*Grumble grumble grumble.*

No! I will not succumb to having empathy for a deep sea fish. I refuse! This is exactly what they want. Just look at these comments from TikTok:

Get it together, Driftman!!!

Sunny, that’s just what their mouths look like

I’M NOT CRYING, ALEX

STOP ENCOURAGING THEM!!!

This fish did not simply desire to see the sun. It was a TEST SPECIMEN, making its way up to see whether or not it was safe to bring its foul-toothed cronies above sea level.

Imagine this: It’s late at night. It’s dark out. You’re headed to the bus stop, and you notice a nice, warm light illuminating a bench. Thank goodness, you think, as you approach. It’s safe here. You sit down, thinking it’ll just be a few minutes until you’re on your way home.

NOPE. ANGLERFISH.

Is that what you want??

It was a trap, and now you’re lunch. Or…like…maybe three of your toes are.

When you first saw the anglerfish, how big did you think it was? Because I had an idea, you know, in my head, that it was like, one or two feet long. I even looked them up when I was researching the differences between male and female anglerfish, but I didn’t spend any time seeing how big they were. I would’ve also easily believed five feet long. Or ten.

Well, uh…here it is, actual size:

BUT THE TEETH!!!!!!

This is why we can’t let them up here. What if they get access to whole milk and grow up big and tall? What then??

And as if Madame Anglièré weren’t enough, I’d like to present YET ANOTHER creep making its way up from the bottom of the ocean where it belongs:

Great. Via The New York Times. (Gift link.)

Sigh. Here, see for yourself:

@cbsnewsSurprised beachgoers found a rarely seen oarfish swimming in the shallow waters of a Baja California Sur beach in Mexico. These animals are often referred to as “doomsday fish” because in some areas of the world, they are seen as a warning of a incoming disasters, such as earthquakes. “The fish swam straight at us, lifting its head above the water about two inches,” a man on the beach said. “We redirected it three times out to the water, but it came back each time.” #mexico #animals

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(I only know what the Oarfish is because I caught one in Animal Crossing and it’s currently displayed in my museum.)

Anyway, here’s what The New York Times has to say about it (gift link, obvs):

The elusive oarfish, a creature nicknamed the “doomsday fish” because of its place in folklore as a precursor to disaster, was captured on video this month after it was seen in shallow water in Baja California Sur, along Mexico’s Pacific Coast.

Oh, a “precursor to disaster,” huh? You don’t say.

Well everything’s going GREAT, so no idea what they’re on about. 🙃

Honestly though, is the concern here only a disaster in the deep ocean? Because I don’t care what goes on down there. Why would the oarfish come up here if that’s where the disaster’s going to be? Idiot.

In Japanese mythology, oarfish are viewed as harbingers of doom, signaling impending earthquakes. But researchers in Japan debunked any significant link in a paper published in 2019.

Oh, we can debunk superstitions now? I would honestly love to see the “broke a mirror” 7-year running statistics. Are those available?

For the record, Oarfish can apparently get pretty big (up to 33ft) and maybe live up to 30 years? More importantly, they “were found to have late or slow flight responses towards approaching remotely operated vehicles, supporting the hypothesis that they have few natural predators.” Great.

And hey — those guys just threw it right back in the water to go home without a warning message, so…uh…prepare yourselves, I guess.

I swear if someone makes a sad little video or pictures about how the oarfish just wanted to see the sunlight one time in its life I’m going to lose my fucking mind.

I feel like Jennifer Lawrence in Don’t Look Up. THEY’RE COMING.

Harbingers of yikes

Speaking of horrible signs that something terrible is going to happen (what is a warning, really, when a commercial plane went upside down on the tarmac last week?²), the Pope is currently in the hospital battling pneumonia in both lungs.

I’m not Catholic, so I only know the Pope as an old bubble boy who appears in a puff of white smoke and wears fancy outfits. He seems important, though.

At any rate, he is old, and he is sick.

And apparently, there is a prophecy out there that he is…The Last Pope™.

via Twitter.

Sure, Community Notes says it’s not true, but again: can we really debunk superstition?

Truly, nothing creates a sense of relief like reading the words “the city of seven hills [i.e. Rome] will be destroyed, and the dreadful judge will judge his people. The End.^”

Romantic.

Get well soon, Pope Francis!!

Next up, this fun little headline:

via The Guardian.

CLOSE IT UP.

CLOSE IT UP RIGHT. NOW.

“In fact, the tomb turned out to be completely empty, not because it had been robbed, but because it had been deliberately emptied. We then worked out that the tomb had been flooded. It had been built underneath a waterfall, and it had filled with water at some stage within about six years of the burial.”

Somehow, this feels worse. Like, sure, you can tell me it flooded, but maybe it had extremely wretched and evil vibes so they moved this dude out??

Look, I’m all for archaeological discovery. We’ve opened this thing up, and guess what? Nothing to see! Time to close it before the plagues start.

Oh, and one more thing.

What in the actual fuck is this?

Has anyone even seen Westworld??

That better be a man in a suit. I’m serious.

The Daily Mail says:

Polish startup Clone Robotics has shared a terrifying new clip of Protoclone, its 'faceless, anatomically accurate synthetic human'.

I mean, anatomically accurate to a Ken doll, but…go on.

Protoclone has a 500 watt electric pump circulating water akin to a human heart pumping blood.

'Pneumatics are loud and usually exceed 86 decibels whereas Clone’s water pump runs at 36 decibels without any acoustic insulation,' the company explains.

Oh cool, so it can sneak up on us. We get closer and closer to experiencing the Torment Nexus every single day.

Please keep it on the hooks. It needs to stay up there.

EVERYTHING NEEDS TO JUST STAY WHERE IT IS. THE POPE, THE TOMB, AND THIS ARTIFICIAL-MUSCLE FIBERED FREAK OF THE WEEK.

At least there’s a giant asteroid that might hit Earth in 2032.³

TMI Hath Foretold

Look. I don’t want to talk about this as much as you don’t want to read about it, but fungus is doing shit.

via CNN.

I honestly can’t decide which of these two things I hate worse.

Apparently, “the fungus lures them out of their webs before instigating an untimely death and then uses the spiders’ corpses to spread its spores.”

Okay this one kind of matches my purple-themed desk. I don’t hate the look…Is that how it starts? I let it get too close because it’s pretty? HELP.

Wow! How extremely cool and not at all worrying!!

The authors have not yet identified which metabolites — compounds produced by the fungus that can interact with other organisms — G. attenboroughii is releasing in the brain of the host.

WELL NOW THERE’S SOMETHING TO WORK ON, SCIENTISTS.

Everyone stop spending your time creating faceless white muscle monsters and figure out what the fungus is up to before the Bloaters show up!! Why is this so hard??

Okay that’s ENOUGH FOR TODAY. Let’s look at something cute!

Chi-Town classic

I’ve told ya once, I’ve told ya a thousand times — Chicago loves an animal mascot. Our newest addition: this “remarkably rotund” beaver!

Block Club Chicago is really going to town on this poor girl:

The group has observed this particular family, with an abnormally globular beaver as its matriarch, on the South and West Sides for at least a year now, Wesley said.

Damn. Call me “abnormally globular” and you’re taking a one-way trip to fist city.

Apparently, there’s like a whole family that hangs out in an area called the Wild Mile, where environmental development seems to have brought them back into town. Also, in the summer, around sundown, you can see them?? Marking this down on my calendar for June.

Anyway the city is trying to name her, and someone on Reddit suggested “Lori Heavyfoot,” which I really hope wins.

Randomly selected animal cutie

OH NOOOOOO HE IS SO SAD. 😭

Let the baby get in the icy pool, he won’t care! Give him whatever he wants. Give him everything!! Poor sweet kid!!

That’s it from me this week! I’m off to wrap up the rest of my work day and probably spend my evening playing a game that is 20% fun and 80% just makes me mad (it’s Against the Storm, if you’re wondering). Love to find ways to make myself mad during my leisure time!! Have a good one!
K

1. She’s selling prints, and if you want to buy me a set I’ll hang them up in my office and give them dirty looks every so often as a warning.

2. Our travel choices now consist of: terrifying plane ride, 78 hour train trip, or trying to stay awake while driving for long periods of time. Yay!

3. Either that, or somebody makes a phone call to Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck. We’ve got some drilling to do, boys!