Vag Plebes
Internet round-up for the week of July 13, 2026
Heads up: Substack is telling me this post is too long for email. I refuse to make cuts because that’s what self-editing is all about. You may need to come to the site, app, or click “view entire message” to see everything.
Hello hello, and happy Friday, my friends!
It’s a hot and sunny day here in Chicago, and thankfully it seems like the wildfire smoke that’s been hanging over the city is finally clearing off a bit today.
This week has been very busy, but also very good — and to cap it off, we’re headed to a Cubs game tonight! (Yes, I’m about to be at Wrigley Field for the second time in two weeks…and am also going again…on Monday. I guess I live there now.) John Mulaney was fantastic on Saturday, and I was pretty floored to get to see not just him, but Buddy Guy, Richard Kind, Fred Armisen, and David Letterman all in the same place as well. He actually performed for over an hour and a half, which was WILD.
After his show ended, we couldn’t catch a bus so we ended up walking two miles home. It was surprisingly pleasant1, and if the smoke isn’t too bad tonight there’s a good chance we’ll do it again.
Since I’ve got an event to attend this evening and less time to dilly dally, let’s get straight on in to the goods from this week:
Brands a-branding
Summer is in full swing, and it’s truly the best time of year for us sick freaks that love watching Brands™ do weird shit.
Quaker Oats is coming out with a drink, of course, because how could they afford to be left behind such innovators as Beyond Meat, creators of the Carbonated Protein Piss Foam Punch?
According to Quaker, “Quaker Oat Shake & Go is a blend of oats, protein powders and other delicious ingredients that, when mixed with cold milk, milk alternative or water creates a smooth and creamy beverage that can help fuel you for the morning ahead, with no blender or refrigeration required.”
And according to me, I don’t believe for one SECOND that those beverages will end up “smooth and creamy.” Protein powder is never smooth and creamy, and you want me to believe that adding OATS to the conversation is gonna make it better? Larry, talk to your people, please.
Also: no refrigeration required? Well for the oats, sure. I hope the adjective “cold” in that sentence is also meant to apply to “milk alternative or water.” Because what if someone put lukewarm water in it? What then? It’s gonna be “smooth” (no) and “creamy” (no) and …real fucking tepid. Ugh. Just thinking about drinking a room-temperature smoothie is making my stomach lurch.
Plus, this note from their FAQ is not instilling confidence:
It comes in two flavors, cinnamon vanilla and strawberry & banana. Do they taste like these aforementioned flavors?
Great!
Smirnoff Ice launched a giveaway this week for a special Smirnoff-Ice theme bag shaped like a hot dog, which I’ll be honest, I would do dastardly things to get my hands on (and subsequently pick every tiny thread of the branded embroidery out of).
It’s part of a promotion for National Hot Dog day this week, and are they at least giving one to Father Chestnut, I hope??? Honestly, Dude Wipes needs to up their game if they want to sponsor our boy. This is way cooler than some lame-ass (ass?)wipes that are supposed to be flushable but will 100% end up clogging your pipes.
Billionaire boys
Welp, Beej announced this week that the previously mentioned article about Kate Tolo from the Wall Street Journal finally came out (Archive link). They discuss her longevity protocol, and things are exactly as I would have predicted:
At night, she’ll sleep with an acrylic device inserted into her vagina, which she said is intended to track blood-flow variations.
If we’re not talking about genitals, are we really doing medical research???
Of course, I have combed through for the most important excerpts. Let’s dive in:
Tolo and Johnson are skilled at capturing the public’s attention and leveraging it for business opportunities. Together they run the company Immortals, which includes their Blueprint supplement and product line, access to prescription medicine and a concierge medical practice. Immortals is funding Tolo’s wellness project, which is expected to cost $2.6 million annually, a figure that encompasses spending on equipment, testing and a dedicated team to keep it running.
OH. Okay. So just 2.6 million dollars a year for medical testing. Totally reasonable. Quick question, how much are you guys spending on the Device™?
Ahem. Moving on.
After years of outreach, [Kate] started as his executive assistant at his neurotechnology company Kernel in 2021. She quickly learned of Johnson’s antiaging quest, which at that point he was conducting privately. It was Tolo’s idea to take the journey public. The two became partners in that effort; a year-and-a-half in, their relationship turned romantic.
Thank you, Kate, for bringing Bryan and his research (and schlong) into the public sphere.
In the 2025 Netflix documentary “Don’t Die,” Tolo admitted that she used to frequent McDonald’s. Then she tried Johnson’s antiaging “protocol,” eating just 1,700 calories a day and taking 60 supplements. She’s been eating healthier ever since.
Has anyone told Kate that they brought back the Fried Apple Pie? I’m worried fast food news is being censored in their joint households. Can we get a TMI subscription in there?2
Immortals, which has more than 150 employees, declined to disclose how much money it makes. The company is on the verge of launching products for women: In Tolo’s bathroom was a stack of Immortals-branded vaginal microbiome tests, which it plans to soon sell. Through that lens, Johnson’s recent tweets recounting details from his and Tolo’s sex life and praising her vaginal health read not just as TMI, but as marketing.
TMI MENTIONED!!!!!!!
(They declined to disclose how much money Immortals makes, but we can assume it’s at least 2.6 million a year…)
Also: they’re going to SELL vaginal microbiome tests? I mean. Of course they are. But like. Are we sending this off to a Blueprint-sponsored lab? Can you imagine the scatter graph they create where Kate is the standard, and the rest of the world’s vag plebes are graded on a curve? Excellent stuff.
The article closes with a quote that indicates Kate is at least somewhat self-aware:
“He’s living in a cage. I’m going to join him in that cage,” she said. “This is not a normal way to live.”
I agree. But also thanks for putting yourself in a human zoo that we can spectate on. Best of luck, guys.
Wholesome fun
Beth Hoyt’s Claire Danes impression is incredible, and also, I need a salad more right now than I’ve ever need a salad in my entire life.
I usually want to eat lettuce about once every eight weeks, but right now, I do believe I will die if I cannot ingest a fully-loaded Cheesy Gordita Crunch before the end of July.
Randomly selected animal cutie(s)
Animal? Yes. Cute? Subjective.
Jimothy, a raccoon with Short Spine Syndrome, has been bopping around the Seattle area giving cryptids everywhere a good name.
I mean, just look at this little guy:
Tons of videos of Jim have been popping up all over the place this week, but this one of baby Jimothy hanging out with his family is by far my favorite. Long live Jimothy!
Also important: this rainy raccoon rescue in Austin:
And also, firefighters put a human-sized oxygen mask on a pigeon with suspected smoke inhalation to save it. Adorable.
That’s it from me this week! I’m off to finish my laundry so I’ve got clean shorts to sweat in for the game tonight. Have a great weekend!
K
P.S. From a person who used to spend a lot of time around bovines — should you ever find yourself running from a large cow (or bison), ZIG ZAG. They can’t turn very quickly, but they’re VERY FAST. Look to the rodeo clowns! Serpentine!!
Well. It wasn’t pleasant for everyone. Please keep my left hip in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I’m kidding. If Bryan and/or Kate find out I exist I will walk into the sea (and you know I hate the sea).
Your titles never disappoint, but “vag plebes” has to go in the TMI Hall of Fame 🏆
Truly had no idea Smirnoff Ice continued existing after like 2004