You Rule

Internet round-up for the week of January 15, 2024

Hey hey! Happy Friday!

Another snowy, chilly day here in Chicago — but it does look like it’s going to warm up (30s) next week, so I’m looking forward to that!

And yes, I know I said I missed winter, and I did! Clearly I’m not like wanting to sit outside when it’s below 0. I think what I really missed the most was this sort of forced hibernation. It’s a time to kind of sit, reflect, work, and also look for jobs so you can pay your bills and have some money to spend when it warms up in a few months. 🙃

When we were in California, it never felt like the seasons changed at all. It was definitely rainier and a bit cooler in the winter, and of course hotter in the summer, but — there was no like, time demarcation — suddenly it was Christmas, and then it wasn’t, and it never felt like any actual time was passing. There’s a sense that you get in the midwest in the spring, like — anything is possible when the weather starts warming up. And you never take summer for granted. You want to be out, doing everything, because you know it won’t last. Even if you don’t feel like doing something, you’re gonna go — because you know in a few short months, you are gonna look outside, see the sidewalk covered in brown slush, and be like, “absolutely not.”

So, yeah. I’m happy to have it again. The only thing I have to do now is remember my cold weather accoutrements (scarves, gloves) when I do go outside. Plus, my hibernation has (surprisingly) been busier than ever.

Last week I mentioned I had a ton of writing projects that needed to be done, some of which I was already behind on — and the good news is, I was able to plow through most of them this week and am (mostly) caught up! I’ve had so many projects that actually make me tiny amounts of money that I’ve had to push the Deep Dives back a bit, so get ready to have two of them crammed into your inbox at the last minute before the end of the month!

As always, it doesn’t really matter what I’m doing during the week — there is time for Internet. So, here’s what I’ve got for ya:

Fast Foodie

I still haven’t made it out to CosMc’s yet, but I did want to regale you with some Mickey D’s breakfast tunes in the form of their recently digitized smash hit: the 1986 cassette tape, “Takin’ Breakfast By The Hand.”

Why aren’t companies spending marketing money on creating original songs (glorified commercials) about their menu anymore?? Gen Z is in to physical media again, I hear. Or put it on Spotify, I don’t care. I can’t imagine anything better than cranking this up when you’re handed the AUX cable¹.

Every fast food restaurant should be releasing one new album a year, minimum.

Plus, a little hot news out of BK this week as well:

According to Bloomberg,

One way to make interactions with diners more memorable — and potentially curb complaints — is Burger King’s requirement that workers offer guests the signature cardboard crown, Derby said. Staff is also required to say “you rule,” a new spin on the company’s decades-old tagline.

I love this. I do not care if the crown is designed for children. I want it.

Last year when we were in Arizona a lady was handing out stickers to some kids in the Tombstone Courthouse, and I asked her if they were only for kids and she said they were but she’d give me one anyway². She could have just…given me the sticker, you know? Adults should be allowed to have fun!!

As soon as I have a few dollars of disposable income (or any income at all, really) I will be headed straight to BK for an Impossible Whopper and a crown. But the real value for my money here will be in having someone say look me in the eyes and say “You rule.”

Because you know what? I do rule. Thank you for noticing, Burger King.

City of The Rat Hole

News of The Chicago Rat Hole™ continues to spread. This week, I had multiple friends text me to see if I’ve heard about it (or seen it), which tells me two things: I know exactly who is not reading my newsletter, and my brand is extremely strong.

Block Club reported the Lakeview Roscoe Village Chamber of Commerce had launched a survey allowing people to submit names for the new landmark. It also got its own Wikipedia page.

Here’s the worst news: This morning, it appears someone has filled it in, because there are people in this world that don’t like fun. We’ve been having awful weather lately so I was planning to go in the next couple of weeks, but I guess I’ll never be able to see it in all its glory. Devastating.

RIP.

@rubencordobajrblessing the grave of a god fearing Ratholic #chicagorathole #chicago #rat #rathole #ratpope #hole #fyp

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via CBS

Look, I understand this is a very Brand™ heavy newsletter, but they’re DOING THINGS this week.

“Fresh Carrot.” “Crunchy Celery.” Okay. Sure.

Jaya Saxena at Eater says they believe the line is intended to “evoke the feeling of making out with someone after a tailgate,” which feels like it’s got to be accurate, right?

And you know what, okay. This is fine. This is fun, actually! Let’s try new things!

But also, I cannot imagine enjoying this AT ALL. As someone who is currently working their way through most of the Lip Smacker Crayola package (most of it, because I do not like watermelon or banana flavored things), I’ll often find myself wondering why I’m eating spaghetti, but tasting orange. Then I realize it’s my chapstick and I have to wipe my lips off so I can finish my meal in peace.

Thank god they didn’t decide to go with “wax” flavor

Let me add: I LOVE RANCH!

But wow, I do not want to be randomly tasting it when I’m eating an ice cream sandwich or something.

I’ll be honest though: I’m very curious about whether or not the “buffalo sauce” flavor is going to burn the shit out of your lips? Plus, like, of all the flavors in the world to have a hint of on your mouth all day, fucking CELERY?

I’ve never gone out of my way to find and eat celery. I only ever eat it when it’s on a veggie tray, the carrots and cherry tomatoes are gone, the broccoli is dry, and THERE’S RANCH. Are you supposed to mix and match? Top lip celery, bottom lip ranch? I have a lot of questions.

Shameless Self-Promotion Corner

I have a new piece out today in Weekly Humorist!

As a former Girl Scout Cookie sales…girl(?) I’m excited to have a Girl Scout-related piece out in the world.

I noticed some fun similarities in the names last year working on another project, so I put together this fun little list/quiz just in time for cookie season.

(Also, y’all go ahead and enjoy your Thin Mints — but they are not for me!)

Randomly Selected Animal Cutie

In honor of the Rat Hole, today’s cutie is, of course, a rat. (He’s an NYC guy but we’ll let it slide this time.)

@jimmyjames1027#fyp #newyorkcity #subwaycreatures #rat

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I believe in my heart that he WILL make it to the top of that escalator, and will find a glorious trash treat there waiting for him. 🙏🏻

That’s it from me this week! Hope you have a fabulous weekend. Stay in, stay warm, and mourn the loss of Chicago’s best landmark, The Rat Hole.
K

1. Are we still even making AUX jokes any more?? Is everyone connecting to the car or party speakers via Bluetooth now? I don’t think I’ve been to a party in at least 4 years. Also I haven’t left my house in three weeks other than to get curbside grocery pickup. Help.

2. This could have been commentary on my height, but I got a sticker, so it’s fine.