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Part personal essay, part humorous take on the news of the week, all "wow, this person spends wayyy too much time on the internet".

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Chicken Scripts

Internet round-up for the week of August 19, 2024

Kelley Greene

Aug 23, 2024

Hi friends! It’s Friday again!

This week has been insanely busy — I’ve written more this week than I have in a loooong time. Lots of deadlines combined with really big projects I’ve been dragging my feet on + the desire to sleep for 12 hours every day made it tough, but I’m very close to having it all D-O-N-E. Now all I need to do is tackle the 100+ unread emails hanging out in my personal inbox. 😬

I’m really excited to slow down the pace a little bit next week, especially because Tuesday is my birthday (💅🏻) and I am looking forward to spending some time chilling before the long Labor Day weekend.

How is it almost September??? The passage of time has become completely beyond my comprehension. Yesterday I gave in to the hype and got an Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai from Starbucks. Yes, on AUGUST 22nd. I know, I know. Don’t get me started. All I have to say is that this new date does align with my previous research. Take that, science.)

As usual, I’ve otherwise spent my days scouring the world wide web on behalf of work and all of you, so let’s dig on in to the goodies I’ve got for ya this week:

Collab redux

You’ll recall that last week I conjectured that we were in the midst of a single week of insane brand collaborations. Well, it’s not over yet. Monday morning I signed into my work email, and the first thing I saw was a PR email from KFC Canada, announcing…

KFC X KD

In Canada, they call Kraft boxed macaroni and cheese “Kraft Dinner.” Which is…something, I guess. Do they call all mac & cheese “Kraft Dinner” the way that we call all cotton swabs “Q-Tips” and all tissues “Kleenex?” Or is it just specifically Kraft brand mac & cheese? Help me out here, Canadians.

Anyway, here are the details of the collab, complete with fun extra Canadian U’s:

Starting today, Canada's favourite mac n' cheese is teaming up with one of the world’s OG fried chicken brands, KFC, to serve up a series of Canadian-exclusive, limited-time only offerings at KFC restaurants and grocery stores nationwide.
KD KFC Original Recipe Flavour Mac ‘n Cheese: Now Canadians can season their KD with the Colonel’s secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.
KD Mac & Cheese Chicken Sandwich: Tops KFC’s signature triple-breaded, classically seasoned chicken with creamy original flavour KD to deliver the ultimate cheesy experience.
KD Mac & Cheese Snacker Wrap: Features KFC’s beloved crispy chicken tenders alongside original flavour KD, wrapped up in a warm and fluffy flour tortilla.

So we’re looking at KFC flavo(u)red mac & cheese, a mac & cheese sandwich, and a mac & cheese wrap. The second two honestly sound like something you could get at Cheesie’s, so I’m less intrigued. But mac & cheese with eleven herbs & spices?? Hmm.

How wonderfully dramatic.

I’m really not entirely sure how I feel about mac & cheese with fried chicken seasoning in it. Sometimes I eat rice made with bouillon for flavor. Is it kind of the same?

Also, how did they get their secret recipe into the KD boxes? Is there like a single Kraft employee that was allowed to know, or did they send pre-mixed packets over? Is there one KFC employee that’s allowed to work in the Kraft factory? Are the spices taken over in an armored car?

A brinks security truck photoshopped to look like it belongs to KFC. It's outside a Chase bank that now says "Kraft" instead — VERY SECURE

This is the important stuff I need to know. Also, I really do want to try this, but my biggest holdup is it being delicious and then almost immediately unavailable to eat ever again because it’s a limited-time collaboration. Sigh.

Plus, just for fun: my husband’s maternal grandfather used to play Colonel Sanders on TV — and he loved it so much, he started dressing as him and really taking on the identity. Unfortunately, his family has no insight into the secret herbs & spices recipe. KFC is holding this shit too close to the chest. But, I digress. Here’s a pic of hubby’s grandpa (his name was Woody Gaspard):

Two men stand next to each other, one is wearing military regalia and the other is dressed in a full white suit and looks like Colonel Sanders. He's also wearing military medals on his jacket — Objectively very adorable.

Addendum

While I’m on the topic, I’d like to make a little addendum to last week’s newsletter. On Saturday, I realized that the WARHEADS candy in the Cinnabon X WARHEADS collab wasn’t just sour. It’s also POPPING CANDY.

WARHEADS are bad, but I’m not sure I can think of anything more inclined to ruin the experience of eating a cinnamon roll than fucking Pop Rocks. Woof.

Also: Disney has decided to drop their wild legal argument. So if you wanted to watch The Acolyte (already cancelled, of course), you’re safe — for now.

Chicken goes to Hollywood

Wow, we’re very chicken-centric this week, eh? (That “eh” is for the Canadians.)

Anyway: 10 points to Deadline for the puns in the headline here. Quality work, folks. Here’s the gist:

Chick-Fil-A is moving aggressively into the entertainment space with plans to launch a slate of originals for its own streaming platform.

Um…brb, just editing a couple of quick lines about spicy deluxe chicken sandwiches, waffle fries, and being off on Sundays into my pilot scripts. Er, chicken..scripts. I’ve got a 2-piece chicken script ready to box up, any time. No sides at the moment, but I can get those together quickly if needed.

Anyone have any contacts at the new Chick-Fil-A studios?

Tweet from @aaronserna that reads, "image your rep telling you 'Chick-Fil-A passed'" — via Twitter.

Honestly, though…like…can we just go back to having cable? A one-stop shop where we can get all the channels, and see all the shows in one place? And then like, the movies can come out in the theater, and if we don’t want to go walk all over the sticky floors and sit near strangers on their phones we can just wait until it’s released later and rent it or get a DVD? Because I feel concerned that we’re getting dangerously close to a “sorry you got E. coli from that salad but you signed up for ChickF’lix so we are absolved of all wrongdoing” situation.

If Taco Bell or Chipotle wants to do a streaming service though…well, I’d sign my life away for a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Sorry. (To me.)

Oh, and speaking of Hollywood, have fun reading Guillermo del Toro’s descent into madness on Twitter this week over a haunted hotel room in Aberdeen, Scotland.

Billi’ Boys

Nothing too exciting from the boys this week, but I had to share this tweet that really made me laugh. Extremely Dave Pascoe coded.

Tweet from @edzitron: "My name's Bryan Johnson and I'm a 43 year old man. Using $2m of science, I have been able to reduce my age to 42" — via Twitter.

Randomly selected animal cutie

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This horse is 100% getting revenge for being interrupted during whatever trouble it was getting into behind the barn. I will say — as a person who’s spent time around large livestock (the mooing kind, mostly), they have both a very acute awareness of their giant bodies and also absolutely no idea how strong they are. They definitely know just how close they need to get to a pole so that you can’t squeeze through a gate next to them, but then are like “How come when I head butt you playfully you fly three feet away?” This horse for SURE knows exactly what it’s doing, and I love it.

That’s it from me this week! I’m gonna finish work, chill, and catch up on all the TV shows I haven’t had time to watch in the last couple of weeks. Have an excellent weekend!
K