Sorry, Trees
Internet round-up for the week of October 28, 2024
Heads up: Substack is telling me this post is too long for email. I refuse to make cuts because that’s what self-editing is all about. You may need to come to the site, app, or click “view entire message” to see everything.
Hello hello, and happy Friday, my friends!
This week, I can finally feel the end of the year slowdown shifting into motion. I hit all my number goals at work last month, so I was able to take some time to work through old pitches and prep for November. I’ve also been able to dig into a few personal projects that I’ve been dragging my feet on for months.
And most importantly, I’ve gotten an email from Goodreads encouraging me, saying that I can definitely hit my reading goal for 2024 if I try really hard (I cannot read 20 books in two months but thank you so much for believing in me, Goodreads).
I even got around to cleaning up my spider’s bug-guts-o-rama in the shower this week and reorganized the shelf — and it looks great! I’m looking forward to spending some more time (and money…why does everything cost money?) fixing this apartment up over the next year. (Landlord drama aside, barring any unforeseen circumstances, we’re planning to stay in this spot for the long haul!)
Anyway — I’m keeping my intro short this week in an attempt to head off the inevitable “this is too long for email” notification I expect to get from Substack after I add in all the photos I have piled up on my desktop at the moment. We’ll see how it goes. 🤷🏼♀️ (Spoiler alert: I didn’t make it.)
Here’s what I’ve got for ya this week:
Rat City, Bitch
Thrilled to finally see a headline that’s about us working together with our little fuzzy neighbors rather than some baseless “war on rats.”
Well, I say little, but it turns out the Gambian pouched rat (AKA the African giant pouched rat) can reach almost 3 feet long (including the tail). I’m obsessed.
I mean, look at this fella working hard in his little harness:
And just listen to this:
The “negative image of rats as dirty animals” belies that they are disciplined and “very clean, intelligent and likeable”, said Kate Webb, another study co-author and an assistant professor at Duke University.
“When our rats are at work, they are focused on the job,” Webb said.
That’s right, Kate Webb! Let ‘em hear it! Can someone please send this to Eric Adams and all the Orkin Men?? GIVE RATS JOBS. They are clean and adorable and focused!!
Proponents of the use of rodents say their compactness and formidable smelling skills should allow them to reach cargo container crannies and ventilation openings even dogs may struggle to reach.
They’re absolutely perfect. Can I please hire a rat to help me dust behind the radiator?? There’s a spot back there I can’t get to. And, also, sometimes we drop stuff between the tub and the sink cabinet that I know a rat can reach. I would even be willing to pay in Doritos.
I love this and I can’t wait to hear more about rats and their adorable helpful jobs. For good measure, here’s one more picture of one of the hardworking boys:
LOOK at his little face, he’s so happy!!
May Eric Adams, rat warmonger, never experience this kind of pure joy.
Oh, and speaking of NYC — please take a moment to read this piece from Salon and this piece from The Cut covering the incredible Timotheé Chalamet (read: TIM-OH-TAY SHALL-A-MAY) lookalike contest held there last Sunday.
Billionaire Boys
Wettest boy Bryan Johnson has broken his ankle dancing at a music festival.
Check out this extremely weird video he made about it where he describes how a few days out of the gym made him feel “lethargic” and calls himself a “rejuvenation athlete,” brags about how clean his plasma is (again), and talks about having a friend randomly smell his feet (very normal!!).1
Hm. Millions of dollars spent on anti-aging protocols, insane food and sleep regimens, penis shocking…and then he breaks his ankle at a music festival.
Alanis — hit it!
Anyway he seems to be almost fully healed up.
And in not-quite-a-billionaire news, Tom Brady posted an emotional Instagram reel after the news broke that his ex, Gisele Bündchen, is pregnant. Couldn’t make it in stand-up, a mediocre sportscaster, and now…Gisele fully moving on? Tough stuff.
Just ask AI
A few months back, I pitched an AI-generated image-based piece for work. I thought it’d be cool to try something a little outside my comfort zone, plus get some hands-on experience. This week, I finally got around to spending some time trying to get Meta AI to show me what a font might look like if it was a person.
Sadly, I think I killed 285 trees in the process of trying to get this thing to make me anything that looked remotely normal. I eventually got enough “good” pictures to pad out the piece, but of course had to do something with the horrors it provided me as well.
Before you scroll down, I just want you to take a moment and picture something in your head. Like, imagine a font. Any old font. And then you know, like, what that font might look like represented by a human being. Here’s some inspiration.
Now, take a look at these abominations.
I call this one Fontman:
I get it. The fonts are like, On Him™. He’s ready to stop all the villains in…Graphic Design City…? But why is the suit splitting open like the T-1000 after The Terminator blasted it in the face? I’m frightened.
This one is a fucking nightmare:
It’s the “HELLO WPLD WORLD” and “HEELL” written across its chest and head for me. Please stop looking at me, robot letter dude.
This one seems fine, except: what the hell is that thing, Shoulder Tumor Jafar™?
Why is he there, why is he part rat, and why does he have a chin strap beard and cat-winged eyeliner? I don’t know what is happening here, but I need it to stop.
And finally, perhaps my favorite of the bunch:
Honestly, who doesn’t love a cropped button-up with strange man on one side and the name “John Doe” written across half a pocket? Where it got the idea to put literally anything on a shirt, I will never know. But yeah, uh, this is exactly what I had in my head. No notes.
Now, an honorable mention — while I was using Word 365 to take screenshots of my selected fonts, this tiny blue diamond appeared. Not knowing what it was, I clicked on it, and Word was like ADDING AI IMAGE and I was like — what?! No! Stop! I don’t need that, I’m literally just typing the name of a font! The next thing I knew, well:
Um. Okay. Thanks for the owl, I guess.
So — yeah, happy to report that AI is honestly so smart and good? And helpful? And so so ready to take all of our jobs.
Also, uh…sorry, trees.
Randomly selected animal cutie
AS IF the illegal-wildlife-trade-sniffing rats weren’t enough…
I’m “near email length limit” … can we get one more link in here?
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Sadly, we cannot.
But you know what, if there’s anything that’s worth going over the email length limit for, it’s aardvark sniffing ASMR. Enjoy!
That’s it from me today! I’m off to enjoy the rest of my afternoon and attempt to mentally prepare myself for election week. Have a great weekend!
K
I would have given absolutely anything to have attended the Tech Roast of Bryan Johnson.
